Once Upon a Not so Long Ago Time...

I use to be a writer.
Not a grand one. Not a professional one.  But I was nonetheless a writer.  My heart & soul was spoken through the words spilling onto pages.  I spoke of my journey, my deepest thoughts came to life and I was able to express myself through writing.

Interesting how easy it is to become stifled. 
First it was misunderstandings... feelings hurt through not really reading what was written. 
Later it was fear... feeling others may misinterpret and get the wrong idea. (hence the experiences of misunderstandings some got)
And finally it was blank.  Just not having the flow of my words able to make it to print.  I would frantically see the sentences in my mind, but when I was able to actually write... I had nothing to say.

But.. I do have something to say.

I am not finished writing.

A part of me has withered by my stopping my blog.

This magical place that allows me to say what I want, and how I want... I NEED it.

SO I am back.  Hopefully, to stay. 

So with that in mind, let me state this disclosure.

This is not about you.
It's about me.
It's okay to disagree.
It's just stuff that is in my head. In my heart. It doesn't mean I am talking about you... or you or you.
It's just me.
Just Janis trying to Breathe again.

So please feel free to comment.  But don't over analyze. Just allow me to ponder... allow me to make mistakes.  allow me to find my voice again.

life breaths

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Sometimes, things are going so splendidly~ You find yourself actually smiling every day. Feeling giddy. Enjoying the little things.  You see the world with a brighter attitude.  You are proud of yourself for the first time in a long time. The way you handle the bumps in the road and the coping skills you have learned.
Life is good...
you are happy.

Then in a blink of an eye, something flips. Just like a light switch.

Maybe it is the weather...
Maybe it is financial...
Maybe it is just too many harsh words from someone you love...
Or maybe, it is all the above.

I look around me, and see so many things to make me happy. So many reasons to rejoice.
but sometimes I can't stop the vortex sucking me in, feeling myself spin, getting that sick feeling in my stomach, my head gets hot, and my heart starts to crumble.

I think about those less fortunate and carry many larger burdens. How impressive it is that they can manage and be so positive.

I try so hard to not carry a self pity for myself.  I remind myself that I must trust God's plan for me and not question it. To have faith that God is in charge and WILL see me through everything always. I can't change what is my destiny and instead embrace and try to better understand what I am to learn through each experience given to me.

My beautiful breeze has left us.  In it's place is horrible hot humid days with a heat index of 111. Yesterday, I feared I would have a heart attack as I cut the grass in this heat.  I know that the lawnmower stopped those three times to force me to catch my breath and to hydrate myself.

I am anxiously waiting to get back to work (not until mid-August), so I can receive my much needed paychecks to contribute to our cost of living. Also my work makes me happy.

I struggle with not being able to "fix" things for those I love.  I want to make things easier, I want to give comfort.  I want to give reassurance.  I keep trying to "turn that chair into a couch".

The Hubby's work is very intense and grueling lately (actually always).He is a tough negotiator and doesn't get contracts completed by being gentle. The tougher the situation the more likely it will trickle home. Which makes life at home hard for me.

There are other problems within those walls that is putting too much pressure within. In respect of my family, I don't write about this, but it doesn't mean it isn't there. Part of my biggest problem is the fact that I know I will never live up to high expectations. Nor be loved as much as I give. It is a harsh, taxing, and destructive walk. Sometimes I feel so ready to give up. But, God keeps me going.  I know He's got my back.

If you are a reader of Faith... I would appreciate some prayers.  If you are not, any positive energy sent my way would be appreciated.  I know I will get through this all, but I feel a definite struggle  with this.

Life is so short...

Happiness

Are you happy?
I mean REALLY happy?
How does that feel?
I should be happy. I have so much to be grateful & happy for.  A wonderful husband, beautiful smart daughters, an Arkful of animals. A roof over my head. Friends and family that love me.

So, what is wrong with me?
I feel like it is always three steps forward, two steps back for me. Every happy occasion in my life seems to come at a cost. I have happy moments but so many sad ones. I don't know what, where, or who I should be. I don't know.

I know so many people that have it bad, so many that have reasons to be sad, yet the are inspirational. They certainly don't play the poor me card. Again, I have so much to be happy for...so why do the things that get me down, get me so down.

Why am I so unhappy?
Why do I question what I am doing so?

I have a wonderful therapist that keeps me on track. She has taught me many coping mechanisms that help.  I am trying to let go and remember that I can't fix things.

But, I feel helpless with some things.

I feel a disappointment and failure to some that I love so dearly.
I can't change this, and that frustrates me.
My relationships are so important, (too important) and my Mom, Husband, and Daughters mean the world to me. To let any of them down is devastating.
I lost a close friend this year. Well, I didn't lose them, I had to make a decision to let them go. A healthy decision but painful never less. I miss them, but can't deal with them.
I can't find a job. What the flying fish? I'm 48 yrs old. Am I really that under-qualified or undesirable to everyone?

I am not looking for a pity party.  Really. I would happily accept prayers though. I guess I just need to vent. Therapy is a few weeks away and my Hubby doesn't "like" when I feel this way. I don't share this with him. He believes a person can "toughen up" and not be weak.
I am trying.

The Right Thing...

How do we know what the right thing is?

The right thing to do... how do we know?

I am perplexed once again.
Do I follow my heart or do I follow my head?

Sometimes the simpliest things can feel the most complex.

What is right for one, may be wrong for another.

Life isn't always easy or fair. But it is what it is, and we make the best of it.

This too will pass. There will be more mountains to climb, and more valleys to cross.

Collections of who I Am

I am a collector.

I like stuff.

I like things that bring a smile. I like things that reflect parts of me.

I remember my Great Grand Mother, had bright primary dishes when I was young. Many years later I "rediscovered" Fiestaware. It is my dinnerware choice. I can never have enough of the different colors. My table settings are festive and fun. I remember vaguely My Great Grandmother saying she like the variety of bright colors. (I gratefully have a few of her pieces, within my collection). I have China too, but my love goes to the Feistaware.
I love baskets. I am ashamed to say I have more than a few. But, I use every one! They each have a purpose! Especially the ones my cat loves to sleep in! (Rocky is in one now!)
You already know I collect photos... I can't ever seem to have enough of them. I like REAL photographs. Yes, I download and have many only in the computer. But, my true loves sit in albums, photo boxes, picture frames, and those useful Basket.
Books...Books are my friends! How could I not collect them? Yes, I borrow and give away, but some have to be kept. They are re-read, referenced to, loaned out, and a wonderful reminder of stories, facts, and memories.

I have alot of this and that. Fiction and Non.

A bunch of Children's Books in storage that are waiting to be brought back to life with Grandchildren (many years from now!)

You can find books on shelves, tables, counters, in cabinets, and yes, in baskets too. I like to display them along with "stuff".

I have a lot of stuff. Sergio sometimes call it clutter. BUT I see him sometimes looking at an ornament, an art object the girls had made once upon a time. I see him smile at this clutter stuff. And of course photos are tucked within the books & stuff too.
Strange, (nah...make that more interesting) stuff, are my collections like... stuff in jars and vases. I have jars with change, cups, & vases full of pens and colored pencils. I have an interesting jar full of the girls old toys and even ballet slippers. Funny.. I never could part with these items. Part of my desire to hang on to them I think is because I can. I remember when my sister Julie, and her family lost their home to a fire, it was the little things gone that hurt the most. Maybe, in turn, it made me appreciate them more. That and they are just so darn cute!

I have a cylinder vase with 27 beautiful stones. They each represent the young adults that went through my confirmation groups. Each young adult, chose a stone to represent themselves. I cherish these stones. They are a part of me & I hope that I am a part of these kids. Little reminders to pray for each one of these lovely young people. There is also a jar next to the cylinder, of old jewelry. The watch I got at high school graduation, ear rings from Deb's wedding, some of my Mom's & Grandma Kitty's "junk" jewelry, Disney jewelry that the girls wore, my ski pins, Realtor pins, gold chains, and charms. I could never turn the "good stuff" in to GOLD FOR CASH! I like it mixed together in this jar.
I could go on, but this has gotten quite long already. Recently I had a Partylite & Wine party. Several friends stopped by. One work friend, walked around looking at many of my displays and "stuff". she smiled and said, "Janis, I have learned so much about who you are looking around. I can tell God & family are very important to you. I like what I see. I am glad I have gotten to know you more." I said that's good right? She laughed and said, "Oh yeah, that is good!" Thank you M. that and you, made me feel very special.

What I Feel

Happy. Sad... Loved. Hated... Excited. Frightened... Skilled. Awkward... Calm. Anxious... Baffled. Satisfied.

Emotional.

I am an emotional mess. I never know what will strike me.

Will I be in a good mood? Or will I be sad?

Am I going to be a Bitch? Or a Saint?

Whine Whine Whine.

Poor me.

I know that much has to do with Menopause. It also has to do with my depression. Throw in finances, relationships, stress, and stability and you have my life.

What is so crazy is it is such a roller coaster.

I feel that it is up to me to make the best of each situation. To take what I get and make it good. Turn my frown into a smile.

My motto has always been, "You get what you get, so, don't throw a fit". It is up to you to make what you want out of every situation and opportunity.

I don't always suceed. Sometimes I am in the company of people that are so negative it is difficult to see past. That is when I work harder and hope that I will turn more than one frown upside down.

I am Blessed to have my religion, family and friends. Without them it would all be pointless. It is because of them I "pick myself up, brush myself off, and start all over again", when it gets tough.

Overwhelmed

No time for a nervous breakdown. My mind keeps begging me for one.

I feel numb. Not myself.

I actually hear people talking but am not paying attention to the words they are saying. I see them speaking, but hear blah blah blah.

I only have five minutes to write, then it's back to being a robot.

I miss you Blogworld. when allowed to write daily, I felt safer, saner.

I have had some wonderful parts of the week.
Annie's Award Day, the job is going well...

But I have had some hard parts pf the week.
The economy and Sergio's position in trying to keep UAW workers sane.
Our own finances, with graduation, insurances and license plates due. My dear little truck is still in the shop after a few weeks. The good news is it is a great truck worthy of saving, the bad news is the engine. It had a life of over 250,000 miles, and that is all it could take. We are waiting for a suitable donor engine. Meanwhile I am without a vehicle. As well as the usual bills due and extra expenses of...living.

I know I am blessed with the family & friends. I currently am employed with a job I am enjoying.

But, I am depressed.

I freakin' overwhelmed.

I have no time for me. I am expected to do this and that, and while I am at it, some of this too.

I want to go curl up somewhere comfy. I want to be invisible. I want to ...

relax.