No Regrets.... from now on

I admit. I have had a few.
Maybe too many.
But...
Would I have arrived where I am without them?

I do wish I could twitch my nose, and POOF! that didn't happen!

But... I can't.

And that's okay.

I have learned a lot over the past few years. Particularly the past couple.

What has happened, has happened. 

As Betsy has taught me... "you can't changed that chair into a couch no matter how much you want it done!" With that being said, I am ready to move on.

From writing, and reviling some scars I have thought much about some of the things I have endured. I am not looking for pity here... I just wonder how things were overlooked and I was not rescued.
...from the abusive teacher
...from the abusive uncle
...from the abusive friend of a parent
...from the abusive boyfriend
...from the neglectful friend

was it really hard to step up and protect the child? the teen? the woman?

sigh

Then, I think of the mistakes I have made on my own. Sure, blame it on someone or something, but when you get down to it, I made my paths myself.
What was I thinking?
Why wasn't I thinking?

sigh times two.

Today is a new day. 
From here on, I am not going to allow myself to be a victim. 
I am going to continue to be me... moving forward with a generous heart full of love. I am going to be giving and helpful. I am gonna keep smiling and laughing.

I feel a sense of relief.  Like a heavy burden has been lifted.

dare i say it?

I CAN BREATHE

Unveiling old Wounds

Sometimes life throws us a curve. How we deal with it will determine the outcome.

It is interesting to me how someone that has a strong memory of things from long ago, can still be able to bury some memories that are too painful to carry with us. Years can pass thickening the skin, hiding the scars.

However, things can happen, things that can trigger an unpleasant memory or a pain from long ago. When this does happen, it is like an unbelievable blow. Or a deva vu.

A while back, Someone mentioned an old "thing". One of those buried memories that I had to put away a long time ago. When it was reveled, I swear I felt the exact same pain, the feeling in the same spot and the sickening feeling in my gut.

I know people that have the gift of being able to block bad memories completely. Someone close to me once said, "I only have small pieces of my childhood in memories. I am scared of what I have blocked and hope that I don't ever recall them."

Someone else close to me, said something very wise. "I don't live in the past. It is the past. I refuse to dwell on it or allow it to sadden me. I live for today. I look forward to tomorrow."

I wish I could do that. I know that when I dwell or over-analyze, it doesn't add one day. It doesn't soften the pain, but I feel driven to understand things better. To have clarity. It does that for me. Once I truly understand the why or how, I can have closure on things.

Sometimes, I amaze myself at how much I have grown and how much I am now able to prioritize and start being able to "forget about it". Sometimes, "it" really doesn't matter.

"Scars tell where we have been, not who we are".