...little things

Last night as I brushed my teeth, I was reminded of something my Dad told me recently.

He said, "it's funny because it's the little things that make him miss Mom the most".

He told me over the 50 years he and Mom were married, some things she did just drove him nuts. (I'm quite sure he did her as well). He said, he always tried to get her to squeeze the toothpaste from bottom up.  She always just squeezed it from the middle and he hated that.  He constantly found himself "fixing" the tube, curling the end tightly to get every bit of the paste.  Now that he doesn't have Mom to share the toothpaste with, it makes him sad to see the tube as he left it, and not "messed up".

I thought about all the little things my own Hubby does, that drive me crazy.  And the things I do that drive him "nuts" as well.  One day, we will miss that.

My Dad is doing amazingly well since my Mom died.  He still blames himself.  He knows he was a "burden" and his demanding needs wore her down.  No matter how hard I try to explain it wasn't his fault, I can't change what he feels.

It's funny,  Because he can't convince me either that I wasn't to blame. Mom and I had a strained relationship to say the least.  I do not blame her for that.  Her illness, her mental state, is to blame.  She was sick, and did not mean the things she did.  Still I wonder if only I had done more, forced my presence into their lives, could I have changed the outcome?  Could I have made their lives more comfortable, less stressful?  Could I have convinced her to make different choices? Could I have given her what she needed?

I realize I can't change what happened.  And I can not put myself through the should of, could of, would of's.  Still, no matter how hard I try, I feel the pain of maybe I did not do enough.  I am a strong Christian believer that accepts, only God knows the day, hour, and minute, of our deaths. Our plan is in His hands and no matter what, we must find acceptance of what He has planned for our lives.

As I struggle to move forward and grieve her death, I also have been Blessed to have a second chance with my Father.  He has been put in my hands and I have showed him what I am capable of. He is thrilled with how things are going.  He is healthier than he has been in years.  He is laughing again, and I think he actually is enjoying life again.  He does miss Mom.  But he and I are getting through this together and in the process getting very close as we once were many years ago.  I am proud of him, and I believe he is proud of me.

One thing I have learned through my Mom's death, is not to take the little things for granted.  For these things are grander than we know.

stronger than you know...

As Thanksgiving arrived I had that nervous feeling.  I knew I could handle the day, and what God had in store.  I had Hubby, and both daughters to spend the day with so, feeling rather ready to face the day and start my cooking frenzy.

Emily & Annie

After much thinking and missing of my parents... I picked up the phone and spoke to them both. Not as easy as it sounds, and no I will not go into it. Let's just say I wanted to tell them I love them and let them know they are in my thoughts & prayers.

I was able to reach my Sis, which always brings me love. I am saddened that we were unable to meet up for Thanksgiving. She & Hubby were going to stop by later but were unable to. Sis was able to update me on some family developments but I stopped her, as I really wasn't ready to discuss too much of these details.. not now. Not today.

As I hung up the phone, I noticed Dakota chomping on something. DAKOTA!!! That's my new Mouth guard! ugh. I already know insurance will not allow me another one, & frankly I don't have another $400 sitting around.  Maybe I can "alter" it, cutting the chewed ends off and still utilize the purpose as the center seems unaffected.

My Husband's Sister, Nora, & her handsome guys joined Hubby, the girls & I for a nice Thanksgiving meal. That was good.  To have their company as well as breaking bread together. I can make a mean Thanksgiving dinner and all was tasty.

Nora & Sergio

Cousins~ Emily Annie Chris & John

As the evening arrived, Emily's boyfriend had to skidadal to his family dinner. The in-laws also headed out.  We visited and grazed with our girls for a while longer.
For the most part... it was pretty good.  We are Blessed.

Right before hitting the sack, I opened my Laptop to check mail.  That's when I saw it. A message from a ghost. A molester. Someone that I grew up believing I was to trust, that in turn, molested me.

The message was short. He had found me through a mutual person on Facebook. He said something about despite what happened, he had a lot of photographs of me and my family that he would like to pass to me.
Now, as much as I love photos, and he was an amateur photographer that took tons of us, I don't want a thing from this person.
He stirred up some painful memories. Thirty-five years later, and the pain is just as fresh when surfaced.

Just when my plate is so full of peas and they are starting to overflow off my plate, I have tripped, and they are flying off. 
I felt so overwhelmed with the problems I had.  I really don't think it's fair to get this thrown on top of the lot.
BUT, apparently, God knows I can handle this.  He knows what He is giving me & He knows that I can handle it.  I just keep telling myself to BELIEVE & to TRUST.  I do realize how fortunate I am, and I am very grateful.  It's just sometimes I feel... well, dang it like, OKAY! I think Ive had enough... please give me a break.  God knows me better than anyone.  He knows that I am Stronger than I know. 
I do believe. I do trust.

Me & the Hubby

Extraordinary

Emily & Izzy

my daughter

she is amazing

sometimes life throws us a curve ball

sometimes things don't go according to our plan

you can curl up and cry

or

you can pick yourself up

brush yourself off

and start all over again

Em has been thrown the curve ball

she has chosen to be strong

she realizes that 

what doesn't destroy her

makes her stronger

that

experiences we endure

help us to become

better

that sometimes we need to 

listen & follow God's plan

to trust

that He is in charge

that He will see us through

with God

all things are possible

Hi God!

So, this evening I was driving home from getting my sunroof replaced, and I started to have an anxiety attack. I haven't had one in a while so it surprised me. I started getting overwhelmed thinking about things I can't change, people I can't fix, and this little bird ALMOST got ran over by me...He is okay, he flew out of the way in the nick of time.

I hated the feeling as it started to engulf me. I was feeling my hand start to shake & my eyes start to water.

Suddenly, I felt something tug at me. I glanced up and to my amazement, the sky had rays of light streaming through. I lifted my sunglasses, and it was gone. Lowered them, and I could see it. {Has that ever happen to you how sunglasses filter things and you can see things that can't be seen with the naked eye}.

As quickly as I saw this, my dread went away. I felt peace. I felt a calming.

I smiled, and said, "Hi God!".

He is so Cool! Thank you for that, God.

Counting My Blessings

I know I often play the "Crappy Life" card. But, please know that I really have a wonderful life for which I am grateful. Venting and validating is just a way to get pass things.

The Blessings are far more plentiful than the bad, difficult or uncomfortable parts. I know I have said it many times, but, truly, I believe it is all a part of the big plan God has for me and I need to remember to enjoy the ride.

I am grateful for so much.

My God, Family and Friends. My opportunities and my experiences. My health, happiness and love. My sense of humor and my caring sensative soul.

I thank God every single day.

Who God Gives Us

God doesn't give you the people you want. Instead, he gives you the people you need. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you and to make you exactly the way you're meant to be.

I do not who wrote this. I am borrowing it from my daughter's blog. I love what it says, and feel it is so true.