Back in the Saddle Again

(I wish I was referring to a real saddle on a horse. That would definitely cheer me!)

Thank you to all of you that commented prayed and sent positive energy. I indeed felt it. Sometimes my depression gives me a little butt kicking and, well, I felt a whopper last week.  I do have wonderful coping methods to utilize and usually they work, just some days are tougher.

I come from your typical dysfunctional family with scary skeletons in the closets. A long history of depression on both sides as well as suicidal tendencies (more unsuccessful than successful). This family background also packs a lot of love and stories of happily ever afters as well as survival skills. 

Anyway, I feel back on track after a loving weekend and some spiritual growth. A Wedding, a Sister get together, a Daughter for dinner, some great Spouse time, chatting with a Bestie, enjoyment of beautiful weather, some work on the Baby Clothes Project, and some deep talking with God, made for a wonderful weekend.

I may not be perfect. I may never feel the self confidence and worth I should. But I am a fighter. I do know that God, my family and friends all love me very much. Once I start learning to accept, respect and love myself, then I can truly be happy. 

A work in progress... 

I have some challenges to get through this week. But with my head up, eyes wide open, I will face them, and do my best. This too will pass and I will have new challenges to come. How I deal with today's will help me prepare for tomorrow's. 

I am adding a couple of coping skills to my daily routine.  I started an Daily Audio Bible app on my phone. Determined to get through the entire Bible within a year. It's been a while, referring to my favorite scriptures is great but time to rediscover some others.  I am also determined to get healthier. Eating habits as well as excercise.  Is it too late at 48 to start running? I have NEVER been a runner, but I have been thinking about it.. Perfect neighborhood for it. If not, then my bicycle is getting the dust off and I'm replacing the rotted tires. Or maybe for the upcoming Mothers Day / birthday I can get one of these groovy vintage style bikes. Either way, I have 14 months before I turn 50 and I WILL get in shape by then, by Golly!

Well, neglected home is begging me to clean. Time to throw some tunes on. Maybe I will go to Brookie's Cookie Jar  I love her playlist, go check it out!

Love to you All♥

Never Enough

I am very hard on myself, and often feel that I am not enough.


Not smart enough;

Not strong enough;

Not happy enough;

Not pretty enough;

Not healthy enough;

Not content enough;

Not thankful enough;

Not grounded enough;

Not careful enough;

Not willful enough;

Not competent enough;

Not thankful enough;

And

Not good enough.


Self-esteem issues. I know. I am working on them. Sometimes I go about feeling my best is enough. But sometimes, often, I don't.


I pray about it. I seek counsel. I write and I have coping skills to help.


Sometimes, it isn't enough.


The overwhelming feeling can creep up building slowly, and sometimes just kick me in the behind so fast I certainly didn't see it coming.


It has a grasp on me some days. A strong grasp. The fight within is wearing me down.


I just want to go back to bed.


I know, I know, this will pass. I am good enough really. I have to remember I am like the little engine that thought he could. Just keep working it till I can convince myself .


Maybe one day I will feel it...

Self-Esteem

Sticks and stones
may break my bones,
but names will never harm me

Do you remember this? Often said in my childhood.

Said by me.

I remember...
...saying it when teased about my lisp.
...saying it when teased about being too skinny.
...saying it when teased that my Dad was Frankenstein.

Self-esteem is defined as the following: good opinion of oneself; self-confidence.

Have you ever witnessed someone strip a child of self-esteem? Have you ever been a victim?

When I was child, I had several situations where the very person that should be building up my self-esteem, instead, stripped me of it.

I vividly remember an incident when I was only 6 years old. I was in first grade. We were in the classroom, working on writing our letters with pencils. A boy sitting next to me, took my pencil out of my hand, to use himself. I asked him to give it back. He ignored me. I asked again. This time, the teacher appeared behind me. Instead of asking what was going on, she went on a rampage to the class about how I forgot the rules of talking in class. She scooped me up and dragged me to the front of the classroom. She announced to the class that I was BAD, forgetting this rule. She begin to shake me by the armpits, with my legs dangling in the air below. This bizarre teacher announced that I would have to sit in time out until I cried out,

"help, help! I am caught in the mouse trap without any cheese!"

(A strange discipline that she often used with us when in trouble.) The room erupted in laughter at what happened next. Apparently, when dressing that morning, I put my big sisters panties on instead of my own. They were now around my ankles from being shook so hard. I sat in the "mouse trap" time out for the entire day, including lunch.

When I was in seventh grade, I had a Reading teacher, that constantly got irritated with my lisp. (By 7th grade, I was already in my 8th year of speech classes). She wouldn't just correct me when I mispronounced words, she repeated it first the way I said it, which made the class snicker. By embarrassing me, I guess she felt I would try harder to get it correct. One day, as I tried to pronounce a word correctly after she made the point that I again said it incorrectly. She got this evil smile across her face and asked me out of the blue,

"Do you like McDonalds, Janis?".
I asked, her "what?"
She repeated, louder and slower, "I SAID, DOO YOUU LIKE MCDONNALDSS, JANIS!"
Softly, and embarrassed, now as the class look on for what was next, I answered, "no."
She said, "why not?".
I said, "I hate onions, they put onions on the hamburgers there."
She then said with a laugh, "well, you better grow to like them! you gonna be working there at McDonald's when you grow up, because nobody will hire you the way you talk, Girl!"

The class laughter burned through me. One friend teared up for me as I stood there stunned.

It is because of these moments and others, that I wanted to make a difference in children's lives. To be extra kind. To always show appreciation, and to praise them. The growing years are so crucial. From experience I know how important it is to help a child feel important, have self-worth and to be invincible.

Today as an adult I still struggle with self-esteem. I see what I do wrong more than what I do right. I constantly beat myself up. Sometimes. I will run into a bully even at 46. I can't believe I can still let it get to me. I always think of what I should have done and said later, kicking myself for allowing myself to be a victim.

The little nursery rhyme above came to mind last night as I allowed someone to bully me. I almost sang it. I think if she goes there again, I just might. Better than letting her words get the best of me!

Or maybe I will just smile, and let it roll!

When Breathing is Not Enough

What do you do when remembering to breathe is not enough?

When you feel so overwhelmed and so incapable.

I try so hard to keep things in prospective. I try to keep positive. I have so very much to be thankful for. Such a wonderful husband and dear sweet daughters.

Every time I am back up and happy, something or someone cruelly punches me in the gut or knocks me down. How do I keep that from sucking me into a dark place?

I was doing okay, trucking along, when suddenly I was blindsided by the Boogey Man. An evil crusher that takes my self esteem and destroys it.

Last night, I was so overwhelmed. I tried so hard to stop the tears from sliding down my checks. My supervisor, is sweet and reminded me I could take a 10 minute break if I needed. I thanked her, but told her my quota is too low and I could not afford the break. I finally pulled it together after Sergio's texts made me smile (God, how I love this man!).

Why can't I stay out of this funk?

I have so much I need to be doing.
I must find a job that gives me the hours and pay that will adequately subsidize our income.
I must clean this home before Emily and her friends arrive Friday.
I must get photos organized and start Annie's senior slide show.
I must get correspondence and bills together and sent out.
And I must get ready for my visit with Betsy. Ahh Betsy. Hopefully, she can shed some light on my dilemma and bring me to a happy or at least peaceful place.

Sorry to be doom and gloom. Just one of those weeks...