self worth? what is it worth?

 { self-worth- the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect}


So strange how one can have so much going for themselves and from the outside appear to have it together, when truly inside feel as if they are dying and full of doubt.

Picture perfect.
Nice house. Great husband. Beautiful successful children. Accomplished with work and service.

Inside, dark, sad and full of discontentment.

melancholy.

I can't make these feelings go away.
I certainly can (and do) make it better. I have wonderful coping mechanisms I use, I remember that I can't nor should I feel, I can fix things. Also, I take medication. 

It's the holidays, that make things feel worse. This is a season of joy. Of family and friends. Of celebrating the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. I am full of shame to feel this way at a time of celebration and joy. I am full of doubt, of my self worth.

I'm giddy of the arrival of my college daughters. Of them staying for a few weeks. Of getting to have them with us. Of getting to see the wonderful young women they have become.  But... I am also frightened. I have a habit of having high expectations and getting let down when things go awry.  My husband will be expecting them to be perfect. Or at least see things the way he does... When they don't (and they won't), he will blame me. The girls will then get mad at him, which he will get madder at me, as he thinks, "you girls always gang up on me. it's three to one." Regardless to the content of the subject. He will also tease me, which for the past 25 years he has felt I should not get mad, as he does it "lovingly" and he has forever, so I should be use to it by now. It's usually, nothing or very little & should not bother me, but, for the past 25 years, he KNOWS it bothers me & I wish he'd stop. It's just not funny to me.

Family will gather. And I will stress. Somebody will say something, do something. I will be the peacemaker.

Oh my gosh... when it rains, it pours...
I started this post earlier today. Since starting it, we discovered our car has been broken into, and yes things were stolen. Then the furnace tried to die... but Hubby scared that mean ole furnace into giving some more life into it.

The day has turned to evening.  Things already look brighter.  I hesitate to post this, especially since I am censored more now with readers that I don't want to take things wrong and over react.
But...
Truth be known, this is my life.
I promise myself to be honest.  I keep much to myself, but writing is so therapeutic. I know that I am not the only one that has these feelings.  I know that when I read others, and how they cope, how they made it better, I know I can too.  I hope that others feel that way when reading my blog.

I feel ten times better. Humor has helped. I'm about to indulge in a glass of White Zinfandel. That will help too. (Don't worry, I only have a glass now and then, never abuse and haven't gotten "tipsy" in many years.)

My lovely Therapist told me I must lower my expectations. I must accept things are GOING to happen. When they do, I need to say, "Oh, so that is the "Thing".  And Move On.  Funny.. It works.

I realize life throws us all surprises and disappointments.

Remember I am very grateful for my life, family, and faith. I just really need to work on that self worth thing.

The Pleaser

Once upon a time a baby girl was born. She didn't ask to be born, but was grateful. She was born to a Mother & a Father, that were struggling to get by along with their little girl, the Baby's older Sister. The young family struggled, but they were happy. The Big Sister loved her Baby Sister. The parents loved their daughters. But things were tough. Money was tight, the couple were young and inexperienced.

When the Baby girl was almost a year old, her parents were in a horrible accident. They survive but there were consequences. Her father was handicapped, her mother although her injuries were not severe, the emotional scars, and the burdens to follow were heavy.

The girls did not get the same care they once did. The accident changed everything. Their Mother had many new responsibilities to deal with and her time was thinned.

They survived. They made do. They were there for each other when the parents could not be. The little girls figured out the best survival skills they could find and that got them through and made them strong.

The older Sister functioned best by putting things out of her mind. She preoccupied herself with activities, friends, and life. She got thick skinned and learned to let things roll off of her without doing too much damage.

The little sister functioned best by trying to fix everything and everyone. She learned to be a "Pleaser". She tried to make others happy, comfortable and less stressed. This was not the best way to do things, especially for her, but was what she knew. It was how she coped. She always put herself last and served everyone. She learned how to be a good listener. She learned how to make others laugh. She worked hard to make others particularly, her family feel comfort. She constantly put herself in harms way (the thick of the family's dysfunction).

The family continued to have lots of problems. The parents had poor skills of how to make a better life. They would bring joy to the daughters & each other, but their long term thought process never kicked in. A good thing was always followed by a bad thing.

Depression, suicidal tendencies, drinking and blaming always interfered in this family. Growing up was difficult for the girls. Scary.

The older sister learned well that blocking the bad memories out allowed her to flourish, although things sometimes haunted her.

The younger Sister constantly tried to fix people. It carried through with her her whole life. When things went wrong she still blamed herself, as that was what she learned.

When a Pleaser allows to be a target, the arrow always finds the target. She will be blamed and take to heart any of the bad that happens.

The little Girl grow up and found ways not to be overwhelm. But she continued to try to fix and save people, animals and things.

She meet a wonderful Prince that turned her world upside down (in a good way). They had two little girls as well and were on their way to "Happily Ever After".

But the past haunts her. The present haunts her.

The girl's parents continue to have problems. They let their problems get enormous and out of control. They are in their golden years but miserable. They pour that out to the girls who want to help and have tried unsuccessfully.

One day the Girl, now a Woman, became frightened. She knew she couldn't handle it anymore. But rather than fall into the same pattern of her parents, she fought back. She let love ones know she was overwhelmed and needed help. Together with their support she was able to become strong, face her demons and realize none of it was her fault. Even when her Father tried once again to take his life, telling her that if anything happened to him it would be her fault. She got professional help and medical help. She let her daughters, who also are now adults know that it is okay, not to be able to burden the worlds problems. That when the going gets tough, you fight back.

Now, with a little something that helps her stabilize her depression, and a wonderful Therapist that makes her feel "normal", she has become a happy person. She enjoys her husband. She enjoys her daughters. She has learned to set boundaries. And best of all, understands, it's not her fault.

Even at 48, I find myself fearing the overwhelming guilt of not being able to "fix" everything. One of the parents, is again, threatening suicide. Throwing the guilt and Damning life. Amazes me that it still can grasp me and shake me up so. I am doing a really good job of keeping my head high and embracing the good things in life. I speak lovingly to the parents. I realize they haven't a clue what they do to me. I pray even harder. But... I also have made peace with myself. "I can't fix people". It's not my job, nor responsibility...

Poke, Poke, Prod!

In this past seven days, I have had a Helluva health conscious week.

I went to my Family Physician. Yearly routine and review. When I walked in, the assistant says, "Okay, Janis, just need you to step up on these scales." I said, "You know, I think I will pass this time." Three sets of eyes stare at me.. I continued, "The way I see it, This is the week following Thanksgiving, and I ate quite a bit. My clothes are not very forgiving right now, so I am sure I am still carrying these extra pounds. I am VERY close to a scary number, (what I weighed at 9 months pregnant). If I get on your scales, fully dressed, I may be at or surpass "that" scary number. If that happens, seeing how I am here to be re-evaluated about my depression issues, and my weight-gain has been upsetting me, I am thinking the Doc will end up needing to up my Meds as I will be more anxious if I am near "that" number. SO, I will be happy to whisper my weight as of this morning "BUTT NAKED" {coz we all know winter clothes, heavy sweaters & pants add a couple of pounds}, but since I want to not increase the medications, I will pass on stepping up on those scales." I am happy to say, they seemed very impressed with my logic and gave me the pass I requested.

Tuesday, I went to the Optometrist. It was raining buckets, it was late, I was tired and they were running behind. A lovely Associate decided to follow me around while I tried glasses on. Giving me her opinion on every pair. Thank you very much, but, I do kindof know what I am looking for. Been wearing glasses for over 35 years. Only plan on wearing them once a week to give my eyes a break from the contacts. Maybe I like these frames honey, wireless look great on you but that isn't what I want! I didn't say this but wanted too. She finally gave up when I picked what I wanted and stuck with it. I also now have a stronger prescription so I have had a bit of a headache since Tuesday evening. Damn I hate that!

Wednesday I went to a Podiatrist. Wonderful fellow. Very quite & gentle. My Family Physician wanted me to have my foot looked at because I still am having pain from falling last spring. Sure enough, I did fracture it! Luckily it is healing well on its own. The X-ray shows that it is still healing and he gave me suggestions on how to handle the pain, and how to protect it from re-injury while it is still fragile. I should have gone eight months ago and it would be fine now, but, like many, I put myself last.

Thursday, I went to the Dentist. Thank God we are friends. I hate having anyone poke in my mouth at my teeth & gums. She can put me at ease and is the Angelic Gentle Dentist. A simple replacement of an old silver filing. Discomfort, but she spared me the pain~ Gosh I love her! Never the less I am tender.

Finally, Thursday evening, my monthly check in with my Therapist. How fitting to see her last, after a week of body drama. She as usual, was wonderful. Helps me keep things in check, and makes me feel normal, not really crazy. I look forward to the day I need not depend on her, but fear it as well. She certainly is good at helping me learn new tools and methods of dealing and handling what life throws at you.

At least I got everything in before the year end. Gotta make sure things get done accordingly for our insurance lords.