Let Me Explain The Way I See It

~This is sort of a disclaimer.~

I was very private about my Blog for the first couple of years. I started it on June 6th 2007.

Before starting the Blog, my Grandma Kitty use to get snail mail letters from me for many years up to her death. She often told me she loved the way I told my stories. That she always felt right there and on the edge of her seat. I amused her. I made her laugh. She loved that I held nothing back & told it like it was.

After she passed, my Aunt Linda and I started emailing each other. At Grandma Kitty's Funeral, I told Linda that I was so happy for her life, however, my selfish side wondered,who was I going to send my letters to now? They were so helpful and habit forming for me. Linda quickly volunteered to fill that void. We became closer over the years through our emails. She told me she loved the emails. I made her laugh, I held nothing back, I wasn't afraid to tell it like I see it. She told me I needed to write a book.

My Bestie Sheri went to her annual Writer's Conference in New York the spring of 2006. She learned about this new world...Blog World. She was determined to start a Blog. She did. It was Amazing! And I saw how proud and therapeutic it was to her. She kept encouraging me to give it a try.

My Bestie Deb was right there as well, pushing me, encouraging me giving me the strength to give it a whirl.

Once I got comfortable, I started finding others and they started finding me! I was amazed to find people across this big ole world of ours interested in little ole me. I found that others felt and experienced some of the same things I did.

I always tried to be careful in my writing. I wasn't ready for "loved ones" other than the Besties, and Aunt Linda to read. Slowly I gave the website to others. Then people started finding me. Friends from High School, friends from college.

The coolest thing was I was making new friends in this loving Blog World where we listen, we lend a shoulder, we laugh, we relate. We started following each other and getting and giving awards.

I felt good. Really good about finding a niche. Expressing myself. And validation.

If you read my blog, really read it, I think you will find I am just an average person, coping with things the best I can. Finding resolutions, finding joy and sharing fun stuff.

I knew a day would come when some people would find my writings not to their liking. I had a few stalker-ish weirdo's and a few mean people with nothing better to do than say mean things. Mostly I have found love, friendship and respect. To hear someone tell me that what I wrote helped them or gave them joy made things feel good in life to me. I have never had someone that I knew, tell me I offended them. I always seek permission from Sergio & my daughters before writing about them. As well as friends.

My folks were another story. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to share this with them. I want them to be proud. I want them to be wowed. BUT... I don't know what mood I will get with them from day to day. I don't want them to misunderstand my writing. I don't want them to get hurt feelings. I do want them to see how proud I am of what they HAVE achieve, and to see how we get through what we have been dealt.

Recently my Mom has discovered my Blog. She did at the same time we had a disagreement concerning Facebook privacy. I have been anxious to hear what she thought about my Blog. I hoped she would be proud and "get it".

She hadn't been available for my calls. She emailed my sister and asked her to give the info to me. She finally spoke to me when I called, but was distant and careful with the conversation.

Today I got a cute card, and a letter from Mom. My letter stress' "she is sorry that my childhood was so awful. And that we stressed each other out." She said that she is glad that I have found ways to deal with it and wishes me good luck with the book. That now that she has knowledge received from my Blog, she can understand my feelings of discomfort with her and that maybe we can be close like we once were.

Mom didn't understand my writing. She only saw what she wanted to out of it.

Mom, if you are reading this, maybe you need to know this:

If you read my whole Blog, close to six hundred postings, you may have missed the fact that I write about alot of things, not just about my childhood and a "poor me" read.

I have written about:

1. Health issues 5%,
2. Product reviews and recommendations 5%,
3. Honoring people that I admire 10%,
4. Menopause & growing old 15%,
5. Funny things & thoughts 15%,
6. Friendships 25%
7. Family {including my daughters, my marriage, my growing up, Sis & parents, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, & cousins} 25%

I have readers and followers from across the globe. My regular followers that comment~ friends from California to New York. Wisconsin to Texas. Canada, United Kingdom, South Africa, France, India, Germany, Philippines, and an Military Base in Iraq. They like what I write. They can relate. They can get a smile. They come back for more. I have a MapLog so I can monitor where reader's are coming from and where. {yes I see when you are on Mom}.

I have gotten awards. Kindof goofy to some. Overkill to others. To me, I am so honored! Over the past couple of years I have received five awards. "Kreativ Blogger", "Honest Scrap", "Beautiful Blogger", "Sugar Doll", and "Your Imagination Is A Gift". I am so PROUD! I can not say thank you enough to my readers! The comments are so encouraging and enlightening. They make me laugh back and make me feel so lucky to have these "Blog friends". I have followers that are young ( a couple of teens) up to some friends in their golden years.

As for luck on the book, thank you~ I already published it. As A Birthday gift to myself. I posted about it here recently.

I have no problem with my parents reading this Blog. Even if they are not proud nor understand what I am saying with it, maybe they will one day. I have many people encouraging me to keep writing. I wish I was braver to put it all out there, but out of respect to others that may not want things "out there" I carefully choose my topics and curb my tongue when necessary.

Thank you to those of you that love me and my Blog.

Censorship within the Blog

This Blog has been very therapeutic for me. I find that writing my feelings and thoughts, validate how I am feeling and help me to understand that I am not crazy, just struggling with my life.

I try to be be very careful in what I allow myself to write. I don't dear write all that is playing inside my head. Frankly, I would scare the crap out of people that love me. There has been a couple of times when close friends called to talk to me about reconsidering some of what I "let out". I have edited a couple of things. Their opinions mean more to me than any.

I also do not share the fact that I have this blog with some people. No one from my employment know, nor would they have an interest in blogs. I also keep a tight lid with the family. My parents love me in our strange dysfunctional way, however, my Mother could easily be hurt and not read things for what they are. She jumps to conclusion and I would never want to hurt her. She would also worry way to much about things that she must not.

My oldest daughter, Emily reads this. She even posted an blog, that I was very honored. She gets me. And I think at 20, she is mature enough to see this side of me. It helps her to understand me.

My Annie has read a bit. Basically, at 18, in her Senior year she is just to busy with her own life. I always give her a heads up if the posting regards her, and she reviews them.

Sergio has read a little as well. He doesn't really have an interest in reading them. He doesn't understand my love of this and thinks it is a little weird. Letting strangers read about me freaks him out and he thinks some nut will stalk me or something. He thinks it is odd, but he tries to understand why I feel better when I write. He is supportive, but would rather see me pour my frustrations, depressions and energy into something like baking so he could "appreciate the outcome better".

My sister, and a few close friends read it. I have reconnected with a couple of friends that have found me. And I have a wonderful small circle of Blogger friends that have made me feel very good about myself and I so appreciate their interest.

This is my way of feeding a need of feeling more appreciated and heard. Everyone I am close to is so busy with their own crisis and life in general. I also have a therapist that keeps me from going over the edge and helping me to get back the me I miss.

Sometimes I may write about things that are heavy, but if I can help just one person that is going through this see they are not alone I know that would help. Also I appreciate advice from people that may have struggled like me.

I will continue to be careful with what I write. I will keep the too private stuff out. But I will continue to write from my heart, and hope that this will continue to bring me joy.