...little things

Last night as I brushed my teeth, I was reminded of something my Dad told me recently.

He said, "it's funny because it's the little things that make him miss Mom the most".

He told me over the 50 years he and Mom were married, some things she did just drove him nuts. (I'm quite sure he did her as well). He said, he always tried to get her to squeeze the toothpaste from bottom up.  She always just squeezed it from the middle and he hated that.  He constantly found himself "fixing" the tube, curling the end tightly to get every bit of the paste.  Now that he doesn't have Mom to share the toothpaste with, it makes him sad to see the tube as he left it, and not "messed up".

I thought about all the little things my own Hubby does, that drive me crazy.  And the things I do that drive him "nuts" as well.  One day, we will miss that.

My Dad is doing amazingly well since my Mom died.  He still blames himself.  He knows he was a "burden" and his demanding needs wore her down.  No matter how hard I try to explain it wasn't his fault, I can't change what he feels.

It's funny,  Because he can't convince me either that I wasn't to blame. Mom and I had a strained relationship to say the least.  I do not blame her for that.  Her illness, her mental state, is to blame.  She was sick, and did not mean the things she did.  Still I wonder if only I had done more, forced my presence into their lives, could I have changed the outcome?  Could I have made their lives more comfortable, less stressful?  Could I have convinced her to make different choices? Could I have given her what she needed?

I realize I can't change what happened.  And I can not put myself through the should of, could of, would of's.  Still, no matter how hard I try, I feel the pain of maybe I did not do enough.  I am a strong Christian believer that accepts, only God knows the day, hour, and minute, of our deaths. Our plan is in His hands and no matter what, we must find acceptance of what He has planned for our lives.

As I struggle to move forward and grieve her death, I also have been Blessed to have a second chance with my Father.  He has been put in my hands and I have showed him what I am capable of. He is thrilled with how things are going.  He is healthier than he has been in years.  He is laughing again, and I think he actually is enjoying life again.  He does miss Mom.  But he and I are getting through this together and in the process getting very close as we once were many years ago.  I am proud of him, and I believe he is proud of me.

One thing I have learned through my Mom's death, is not to take the little things for granted.  For these things are grander than we know.

The Blame Game

Do you ever wonder why some people seem to always blame others when things do not go according to plan?

I hear people say, "Man, I got Scr*wed!", "I'm getting a raw deal!", "They are f*cking me like a alley cat". (sorry, I hear that alot from a friend).

I also hear, "You should have.." "If only You had listened..", "You, you, you..."

Lordy!

I know I can't make everyone see things my way. Obviously, my way isn't always the right way. What works for me may not for others. I just can't help but think that it is what it is. That stuff happens and it's up to you to deal with it.

For me, no matter how tough it gets, I have to believe that God won't put more in front of me than I can handle. That there is a reason for what I must endure. I don't like it, but it is healthier for me to assume that I will learn from this and become stronger for it.

Blame someone else? I sure could. In fact, if I wanted, I am sure I could point my finger at someone or thing for everything that has happened. But I won't. It would not be fair nor would it fix anything. Just make that person feel an unnecessary guilt.

I don't have the answers. I just go with the flow and pray for a better day. I also count my Blessing, and am thankful things are not worst. Someone may always have things better, but someone else has things worst off. Being in the middle isn't so bad.