Evolving Bullism

At fifty, I am finding that victims of childhood bullies often find themselves being bullied their whole lives... The difference is, how we are now able to handle it.  Maybe, I needed to be a victim as a child so I could stand up tall as an adult.  Maybe, it was so I could teach and protect others.  Regardless, it is interesting to me to see. a target is a target. It doesn't mean I am weak.  Nor beneath others.  It simply means, unhappy or mean people will continue to pick on those they find that are not cruel by nature.

Bullying is the use of force or coercion to abuse or intimidate others. The behavior can be habitual and involve an imbalance of social or physical power. It can include verbal harassment or threat, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender sexuality, or ability.  The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target". 

I have written about Bullies before. Here, Here, and Here. But these are more of childhood bullied days.

As a child, my bullies were bigger than me. I was small, weak, and quietly accepting. An easy target.

This photo was taken at age 6. By a man, that molested me. He was my parent's friend.  This photo is intriguing to me.  Holding my hands, a nervous habit. No smile on my face.. a look of a frightened animal caught in her hunters glaze.  I believe the eye make up is because of a dance recital my sister and I were about to perform that evening. Haunting, but beautiful, to me.


 Today, as a middle aged woman, I continued to be pushed and pulled and threatened. This photo is more current (school photo taken last month).  I have learned to be a little more confident and have learned to be more understanding to things that have happened to me.

This week I have been "bullied" by those I love, and those I serve, as well as an over-zealous bill collector of my parents affairs.
My dad, while I know he appreciates all I do, gets frustrated at his situation, feels boxed in, or as he put it... "held up in this damn cell I have him in". He lashes at who he is closest to, which is now me.  {I am beginning to understand some of Mom's frustrations even more, and so wish she had allowed Sis & I to help more}. He was, not exactly kind to me with some rather harsh words.  Dad's behavior followed an argument with my Hubby... so I had already had enough of men in my life, telling me how things need to be.
Later in the week, I had a "friend/co-worker" feel necessary to try and hurt me.
To top it off...this same day,  I had a couple of minors try to bully me and tried to turn others against me, including making accusations that could have cost me much had anyone taken them seriously. This was immaturity at it's finest. A "child" with power struggles that wanted to show her power over authority. (but then again, as John Melloncamp has said..."I find Authority, authority always wins". Thank God!)
Seriously.  I give my heart, time, energy to these kids... To have one or two do something mean and to flat out LIE. Oh my gosh! My heart was broken.  I nearly quit.  But then again... remembering, survival skills and that I must show these young ladies as well as the ones watching... Bullying will not win. Especially with me.  Shoot.  I've had things happen to me that they can't even imagine.  God prepared me for the situations like this.  As well as putting wonderful strong anchor folks in my life that keep me up! I hid while some tears shed, got up some gumption and stood tall.  NEVER LET THEM SEE YOUR FEAR.

Some people go their whole lives without others trying to tear it down, provide pain or scars.  I am so grateful, I know some folks that have been Blessed with this.  They produce a sense of confidence that doesn't get picked into.  I may not have that kind of strength, however, I have a certain sensitivity that understands and perhaps can help others.  If nothing else, maybe I can set an example of admiration to those who get it.

Today, is a new day.  I wasn't destroyed last week.  Maybe torn down a bit, but I survived.  My head is high and I am ready for this new week.  What is it that God has in store for me?  What mountains to climb valleys to descend.  This is what I have been given, so bring it on. I am ready to inspire♥

an apology

apology: An acknowledgment expressing regret or asking pardon for a fault or offense

 Monday was a difficult day.  More of a heavy heart day.  

I felt sadness for my Hospice patient's death. Not really for him as much as his beloved wife. This was my first "death", in Hospice Volunteering.  I knew it was going to happen.  I am glad I was able to assist in the family as far as giving respice care. I tried not to become too emotionally attached (yes I hear you snickering those who know me and my ability to get emotionally attached to everyone & everything). But, still it was sad to see the widow, of 62 years of blissful marriage, say good bye to her beloved.

I am sorry for the family's sadness.  For their loss.

I also attended a case conference for the student I work with at  ISD.  Of course I want what is best for this sweet child. I understand and appreciate all ISD has been able to do for this child. However, once again, I got myself emotionally attached and now, as it has been determined this child needs may be more than we can currently give, the child had to become a day student rather than residential, while we scramble to find ways to meet needs. At least until we are able to provide a more acceptable circumstances for the child. As I participated in this conference, I remembered to keep the child's best interest at heart, although I knew it may mean I may miss the child.  It broke my heart...especially hearing the family stress the child will be so broken hearted.

I am sorry for this situation. I am sorry it wasn't able to work out as many had hoped.

Later once I got off work, I checked my emails and ran across a message from my Sister.  We had both been to a high school reunion block party last Saturday.  Hubby & I left before my Sis & BIL.  Julie told me she ran into an old neighbor of ours. The Bully, that beat me up everyday for two years.  Apparently, this has been heavy in his heart for some time. He expressed to my sister, how regretful he is about the abuse he put me through. He told her, how he would tease me, wrestle me to the ground, and beat me up.

This boy was my age. We were friends, neighbors... then one day he started beating me up. Don't sit there & think, awe, his way of saying he liked you.  We were in the 6th and 7th grade.  He would stand on the bus turn to face me and say with a grin, "Time for your daily beating". I would try to get away. I would beg the bus driver to make him stop (whom rarely did... usually if it got rough he would tell the boy to wait wait till we were off the bus). My parents would confront his Mom (Dad was never available). My parents then tried to teach me to defend myself. {Thanks Dad~ I still remember some of those moves}. This Bully was odd. I would get beat up, once a day & the rest of the day he'd act like we were friends. He'd talk to me, played kick ball together with the neighborhood, we had school classes together, he once rescued a puppy a man was drowning in the nearby creek, and brought it to me, asking my Dad if I could have it... One day I was to be disciplined in class, for excessive chattering (imagine that..me?) and I was going to get paddled.. My Bully stood up, told the teacher, he would take my whacks. She let him.. As he walked by me, he said, Im the only one allowed to hit you.
We all knew everyone's business in my little neighborhood. Everyone knew that he & his brothers got beatings from a drunk Dad. But, I still didn't deserve to get the beatings from him.  And by the way... he only beat me up. No one else, Except maybe for those neighborhood boyhood scuffles. Few friends ever tried to make him stop. In fear they would become his target. My Sister, his brother, Bestie Mary, and a couple others would actually stop him...or he would avoid hitting me around them.
One day, he caught me cutting through a hidden shortcut to a friends house.  I was terrified as he threw me down and rather than punches, he choice to start touching me inappropriately.    This was different and I was scared. Some older boys heard me scream and came into action. They pulled him off, Picked me up, helped me straighten myself out and told me to run home. Im not sure exactly what they did to him, but he never touched me again. the beatings also stopped.
I could breathe again.

Back to Saturday evening, when he ran into Julie...he proceeded to take the next 10-15 minutes telling Sis to be sure to tell me that he is so very, very sorry for all the trouble he ever caused me. She assured him she'd let me know but he persistently kept on about how he had it hard with his dad being a drunk and beating him, and how the big kids on the block used to beat him up too, and how he just turned mean and took it out on me. She told me there were tears in his eyes and she know he wished he were talking to me instead of her.

I am glad he saw her instead of me.


I am glad he is apologetic.

Thirty years later... apology accepted. Thank you Jamie, I do appreciate it.


A weight has been lifted somehow from my heart. And I hope he can be at peace as well.


This apology came at a rather good time.  I hadn't thought of the nightmare of getting beat for a while, however, it does come to mind sometimes.  It is hard to understand why a scrawny girl would have to be the victim of such a thing. But, I am sure that it has helped mold me into the person I am.

The cheerleader of the Underdogs.
The nurturing Queen.
The Goddess of kindness

Self-Esteem

Sticks and stones
may break my bones,
but names will never harm me

Do you remember this? Often said in my childhood.

Said by me.

I remember...
...saying it when teased about my lisp.
...saying it when teased about being too skinny.
...saying it when teased that my Dad was Frankenstein.

Self-esteem is defined as the following: good opinion of oneself; self-confidence.

Have you ever witnessed someone strip a child of self-esteem? Have you ever been a victim?

When I was child, I had several situations where the very person that should be building up my self-esteem, instead, stripped me of it.

I vividly remember an incident when I was only 6 years old. I was in first grade. We were in the classroom, working on writing our letters with pencils. A boy sitting next to me, took my pencil out of my hand, to use himself. I asked him to give it back. He ignored me. I asked again. This time, the teacher appeared behind me. Instead of asking what was going on, she went on a rampage to the class about how I forgot the rules of talking in class. She scooped me up and dragged me to the front of the classroom. She announced to the class that I was BAD, forgetting this rule. She begin to shake me by the armpits, with my legs dangling in the air below. This bizarre teacher announced that I would have to sit in time out until I cried out,

"help, help! I am caught in the mouse trap without any cheese!"

(A strange discipline that she often used with us when in trouble.) The room erupted in laughter at what happened next. Apparently, when dressing that morning, I put my big sisters panties on instead of my own. They were now around my ankles from being shook so hard. I sat in the "mouse trap" time out for the entire day, including lunch.

When I was in seventh grade, I had a Reading teacher, that constantly got irritated with my lisp. (By 7th grade, I was already in my 8th year of speech classes). She wouldn't just correct me when I mispronounced words, she repeated it first the way I said it, which made the class snicker. By embarrassing me, I guess she felt I would try harder to get it correct. One day, as I tried to pronounce a word correctly after she made the point that I again said it incorrectly. She got this evil smile across her face and asked me out of the blue,

"Do you like McDonalds, Janis?".
I asked, her "what?"
She repeated, louder and slower, "I SAID, DOO YOUU LIKE MCDONNALDSS, JANIS!"
Softly, and embarrassed, now as the class look on for what was next, I answered, "no."
She said, "why not?".
I said, "I hate onions, they put onions on the hamburgers there."
She then said with a laugh, "well, you better grow to like them! you gonna be working there at McDonald's when you grow up, because nobody will hire you the way you talk, Girl!"

The class laughter burned through me. One friend teared up for me as I stood there stunned.

It is because of these moments and others, that I wanted to make a difference in children's lives. To be extra kind. To always show appreciation, and to praise them. The growing years are so crucial. From experience I know how important it is to help a child feel important, have self-worth and to be invincible.

Today as an adult I still struggle with self-esteem. I see what I do wrong more than what I do right. I constantly beat myself up. Sometimes. I will run into a bully even at 46. I can't believe I can still let it get to me. I always think of what I should have done and said later, kicking myself for allowing myself to be a victim.

The little nursery rhyme above came to mind last night as I allowed someone to bully me. I almost sang it. I think if she goes there again, I just might. Better than letting her words get the best of me!

Or maybe I will just smile, and let it roll!