Saturday, September 3, 2011

an apology

apology: An acknowledgment expressing regret or asking pardon for a fault or offense

 Monday was a difficult day.  More of a heavy heart day.  
I felt sadness for my Hospice patient's death. Not really for him as much as his beloved wife. This was my first "death", in Hospice Volunteering.  I knew it was going to happen.  I am glad I was able to assist in the family as far as giving respice care. I tried not to become too emotionally attached (yes I hear you snickering those who know me and my ability to get emotionally attached to everyone & everything). But, still it was sad to see the widow, of 62 years of blissful marriage, say good bye to her beloved.

I am sorry for the family's sadness.  For their loss.

I also attended a case conference for the student I work with at  ISD.  Of course I want what is best for this sweet child. I understand and appreciate all ISD has been able to do for this child. However, once again, I got myself emotionally attached and now, as it has been determined this child needs may be more than we can currently give, the child had to become a day student rather than residential, while we scramble to find ways to meet needs. At least until we are able to provide a more acceptable circumstances for the child. As I participated in this conference, I remembered to keep the child's best interest at heart, although I knew it may mean I may miss the child.  It broke my heart...especially hearing the family stress the child will be so broken hearted.

I am sorry for this situation. I am sorry it wasn't able to work out as many had hoped.

Later once I got off work, I checked my emails and ran across a message from my Sister.  We had both been to a high school reunion block party last Saturday.  Hubby & I left before my Sis & BIL.  Julie told me she ran into an old neighbor of ours. The Bully, that beat me up everyday for two years.  Apparently, this has been heavy in his heart for some time. He expressed to my sister, how regretful he is about the abuse he put me through. He told her, how he would tease me, wrestle me to the ground, and beat me up.

This boy was my age. We were friends, neighbors... then one day he started beating me up. Don't sit there & think, awe, his way of saying he liked you.  We were in the 6th and 7th grade.  He would stand on the bus turn to face me and say with a grin, "Time for your daily beating". I would try to get away. I would beg the bus driver to make him stop (whom rarely did... usually if it got rough he would tell the boy to wait wait till we were off the bus). My parents would confront his Mom (Dad was never available). My parents then tried to teach me to defend myself. {Thanks Dad~ I still remember some of those moves}. This Bully was odd. I would get beat up, once a day & the rest of the day he'd act like we were friends. He'd talk to me, played kick ball together with the neighborhood, we had school classes together, he once rescued a puppy a man was drowning in the nearby creek, and brought it to me, asking my Dad if I could have it... One day I was to be disciplined in class, for excessive chattering (imagine and I was going to get paddled.. My Bully stood up, told the teacher, he would take my whacks. She let him.. As he walked by me, he said, Im the only one allowed to hit you.
We all knew everyone's business in my little neighborhood. Everyone knew that he & his brothers got beatings from a drunk Dad. But, I still didn't deserve to get the beatings from him.  And by the way... he only beat me up. No one else, Except maybe for those neighborhood boyhood scuffles. Few friends ever tried to make him stop. In fear they would become his target. My Sister, his brother, Bestie Mary, and a couple others would actually stop him...or he would avoid hitting me around them.
One day, he caught me cutting through a hidden shortcut to a friends house.  I was terrified as he threw me down and rather than punches, he choice to start touching me inappropriately.    This was different and I was scared. Some older boys heard me scream and came into action. They pulled him off, Picked me up, helped me straighten myself out and told me to run home. Im not sure exactly what they did to him, but he never touched me again. the beatings also stopped.
I could breathe again.

Back to Saturday evening, when he ran into Julie...he proceeded to take the next 10-15 minutes telling Sis to be sure to tell me that he is so very, very sorry for all the trouble he ever caused me. She assured him she'd let me know but he persistently kept on about how he had it hard with his dad being a drunk and beating him, and how the big kids on the block used to beat him up too, and how he just turned mean and took it out on me. She told me there were tears in his eyes and she know he wished he were talking to me instead of her.

I am glad he saw her instead of me.

I am glad he is apologetic.

Thirty years later... apology accepted. Thank you Jamie, I do appreciate it.

A weight has been lifted somehow from my heart. And I hope he can be at peace as well.

This apology came at a rather good time.  I hadn't thought of the nightmare of getting beat for a while, however, it does come to mind sometimes.  It is hard to understand why a scrawny girl would have to be the victim of such a thing. But, I am sure that it has helped mold me into the person I am.

The cheerleader of the Underdogs.
The nurturing Queen.
The Goddess of kindness


ellen abbott said...

reminds me of the one and only reunion I went to. my 20th. We were on our way out when I saw the name of a woman on her tag...Diane Reed. this woman made every day of my life in 9th grade (it was still junior high then) miserable, taunting me and being a verbal bully especially in gym class which back then you took every day instead of the once or twice a week like now. the next year we went to different high schools so I was very surprised to see her at my reunion. Before I could even think I blurted out...Diane Reed. You made my life miserable in 9th grade. She just blinked at me, I did? she asked. She might have mumbled an 'i'm sorry but I don't really remember. What I do remember is that she had no idea who I was or recollection of how she treated me. So at least you got a sincere apology.

Reality Jayne said...

Janis...I still have a hard time watching two older people, that have been together for 60 years or so, separated by death.
If it makes you feel better, I asked an old 80 year old man one night, at work, if it was hard for him to know he was going to die, and leave his wife (who had been at his bedside all day and most the night)
He told me that as they had grown old together ...they talked about death and they were both ready and knew that on would go first...They seemed to just have an understanding about it....And when he died ...she was not your usual sad...she was business like about it, and just seemed to understand that it was all part of the deal that comes with growing old together.....She said that they had done everything,said everything, had a wonderful family together, and there was nothing left to do. She said they had talked about the whole process...and knew she would see him in a bit.
As far as that bully...that made my heart hurt for you... :(

Scott said...

Leaving 88 after 4th grade, I never knew this part of Jamie, but then again we were never close at any point. You really have to wonder at all the deeper emotions and motivations driving him. I have to think if he was beaten by his father, then perhaps he viewed beatings as a sign of love and affection. After all, a beating is sort of an intimate interaction, even if it is unpleasant. I don't know. I have spent my life avoiding confrontation and physical altercations, so I can't understand his reasoning.

I was waiting for you to lose that first hospice patient. I knew it was going to be hard on you. I'm sure you tried to be strong for the family, but showing and sharing the sadness can also be appreciated. I wanted to believe those around Mom felt some degree of emotion when she passed. So don't ever get jaded and lose that loving, emotional part of yourself.

Granny Bee said...

I have to Thank you for sharing your very emotional week! I know this is going to sound so cliche' but I feel happy to know you even if it's in Blog World...and on a lighter side you know my Kokomo Gals can help you accomplish many things on your list...Have a great weekend!

lakeviewer said...

Yes, Janis, our experiences mold us, but they also leave deep ruts in our psyche. You didn't deserve any of that young man's brutal acts, and your sweetness even now, allows his apology to be accepted.
Heck, it's about time he changed his ways.

Tina said...

Bless your heart...having to go through all of that when you were a child. My situation happened when I was older..about 16. This old boyfriend called me up a few months ago to apologize to me for his behavior.
You have a hard job. I know it's so hard to stay on solid ground and not get attached. It would be very hard for me.
I'll be praying for you!!

Lori ann said...

oh dear janis, like scott says, don't lose your lovely shining light. the world needs beautiful people like you. sending hugs and love my friend.

janis said...

Thank you all for your comments. I am also grateful for the ones I got on FB where this blog is linked.
As for losing a patient~ I am okay with it. Please understand I believe that this is a part of life...Death. My hope is to give some relief & opportunity for the living to get things taken care of & know that their loved ones are in the best of care while they need to step away. Or assist the dying in things they need help with. It's just a thing that I hope I can pay forward, I guess. And I truly want to be helpful.
My job~ may be difficult at times, but it brings me more smiles than frowns. This is the kind of job that gives you so much more than any salary can provide. I feel so fortunate to be here.
The Bullying~ I don't look for sympathy. I don't look for excuses. It is what it is. I was a target. Not just with this boy. Sometimes it looked as though I was a magnet to cruel things. physical & mentally. I try to look at what good it brought me and even others. It does you know. Just hard to see it sometimes unless you look.
No hard feelings. In fact, I got joy out of hearing that he was sorry. Even after all these years. I can let it go now. :)