catching my breath

Sometimes finding my voice is so complex.  What once was channeled into words has become silent, censored, and even failed. I was so comfortable with my blog, and expressing myself, until I found some loved ones hurt, confused or embarrassed by what came so easily flowing across the keyboard. Rest assure, my intentions were never to hurt anyone.  I merely felt an outlet of expression and well, validation.  I have this heavy filter weighing itself on everything I type now.

So, carefully I am going to attempt to re-find my voice, and pray that others allow me to speak. Perhaps even cheer me on. I am still a work in progress.  Even at 54... I still have many of the same self esteem issues I did at 12, and then some! The blog was a tool for coping. A way to help me breathe and know that my life is really not so different from others.  So regardless to what we are fighting, what we are challenged with and even what we are Blessed with, while different from each other are also the same. Some of the best support I found were from women I may have never "really" met, but I feel understand me and love me nonetheless. I could openly express feelings and be honest. Something I am not always so comfortable with my loved ones.

So with that... I take a deep breath... and start to JUST BREATHE JANIS

It has been a while since I have really written.  I mean really written from my heart. Life has been a whirlwind. Sometimes a fucking tornado. But I am a survivor. Since my daily writings, a few years ago, so bare with me as I come back.

I am starting with several of my drafts that lingered unfinished.  This is actually one of them.  I started this draft 3 years ago, but didn't complete, didn't find the strength to post.  It's like I fell off the horse and frightened to jump back on. The longer I wait, the harder it will be.  I will find my voice again.  I will find my cheerleaders & friends in this wonderful Blog World that truly saved me when I most needed it...

So with that, Hello Blog World. I think I have caught my breathe & ready to jump back on.
Xoxo

Time To Take A Xanax!

These are the kind of post that help me most but I hesitate most about writing...

The day is going, well, interesting is a nice way to put it.

We awoke to a snow storm here in Indiana. No problem, we are use to changing weather. We have "weathered" them before. Nothing like the good ole days when SNOW meant SNOW.

One of my daughters, needs to be back @ school by tomorrow morning for an exam. We wanted her to go yesterday before the storm hit, but, she wanted to wait till today. Now, there are severe road conditions and she no longer drives an SUV but a small compact car. We are making her wait, much to her protest. I promise Baby, we will make sure you get there before tomorrow's exam!

The Hubby, cancelled his business trip to Louisville because of the weather. Headed out to plow some streets and parking lots instead. (Small side business). His 4 wheel drive won't work...Can't plow without it. He is awaiting help @ a repair shop. Not in a peachy mood.

I am working on a project that I can't seem to complete in a timely manner at work. Stressed out and tying to get my speed up to par. Timing is so important when you are "contracted" I really want to become permanent. I need to become a necessity instead of extra.

My friend's Dad just had MAJOR surgery. He is recovering, but, we all fear these times as our parents age and run into these situations. I want to go sit with her. Hug her and be by her side. We have many miles between us that make this impossible for me right now. I am with her and her family in prayer though.

My own parents are having issues as well. We will leave that at that for now. Again, I am deep in prayer.

Tuition, mortgage, utilities, as well as a mountain of other expenses have hit as promised this time of year. Gosh, what happens to our paychecks?

I have to get the tax stuff together... Where is everything???

Another friend has been going through the toughest of all times, yet I can't help her with what she needs most. The frustration of not being able to make it go away, or make things right is torturous. I want her happy and smiling again! Prayers, Prayers.

Health issues are pissing me off. Plus I start my weight watchers group. I am sure I will be a peach too.

My home is a mess. I keep cleaning and it just magically gets a mess by time I get home. How does that happen? I need a day off just to make it sparkle again. While I am at it I need to throw all the Christmas stuff in the attic for another 11 months.

I am having my first get together, since moving into the new house. A little Wine & Candle Party on Sunday. I am stressing over wanting everything so nice for this gathering. Plus many of the gals I wanted to see, can not make it. Crap...I have no chairs. Is this storm going to interfere?

I still have to drive home in this mess and it just hasn't stopped snowing yet! I miss my SUV. Will my Monte Carlo impress me or chicken out?

These are the days I fear most. I get overwhelmed. Overpowered. My depression creeps in. My anxiety goes sky high. I am feeling Kookoo!
I am praying. I am playing some great music from Pandora (Internet music). I am trying to remember to breathe.

But, some days, I have to listen to my body. My mind. It is telling me I could use a little extra help that my Doctor has told me I must use when this happens. After all, he is a strong Christian man that would never steer me wrong. He prays with me. He is a man of God over his being a man of medicine. He knows how I feel about medication. But, I will trust him and listen today. For I know not what else is to come. Today, I need a little help from panicking.
Hello Xanax.
Take me Away!
Chill Me Out!

More Songs

A couple more songs for the week.

This one titled "Just Breathe", from Telepopmusic was recommended music from AJ, my new Little Buddy from work. When he heard what my title for the Blog was, he pulled this song out of his ipod for me to listen to.

I liked it. Very different. European sound. Loved the words. Worthy of adding to the playlist this week.

"August Rhapsody", is from the movie "August Rush". I recently saw it (again), and wanted to share this magnificent piece. I enjoyed the music and loved how it protrays seeing music through this characters eyes and how he pulls a different sound from the instruments.

So, I hope you enjoy. If not, hit the stop button.