Chapter 60 (plus 252 days)

  

It’s been so long since I was a devoted Blog writer. I miss writing. I feel a piece of me has been missing since I stopped. But things happen, and well, I needed to stop when I did. Starting back up has been more difficult than I intended. I thought I could & would just start typing my thoughts back out as I once did. Do I play catch up? Or do I start from present? Do I go to Just Breathe Janis, & just go? I stumble. I fall. I fail.

So today, I decided to start over. A second time. Same intention but a new format. A new beginning. A fresh start. So here we are. Just Breathe Janis Chapter 60. Seems to be fitting since I’ve turned 60 this year. So much has changed since Just Breathe Janis. And I’ll catch up slowly. I’m hoping some of my old followers will find me. And we can rekindle connections.

Life. What a roller coaster. Highs and lows. Twist and turns. We never really know what is to come. We have ideas, we have dreams, and we have hope. For me, I have all the above. But, it took me to learn to trust my journey and not fret so much when it goes differently than planned. I’ve had some beautiful blessings hidden amongst the sadness. 

I’m in a good place. It is well with my soul. I’m happy. I’m healthy. I’m fortunate. I’m blessed. My life is far from perfect. It’s very scattered. But I’m more confident and at peace with this life handed to me. 

I’ve discovered balance is certainly in place in my life. Life use to be unbalanced. But I now understand how to see more. I’ve opened up & realize there is this center. And I will look for the good that comes from something not so wonderful.

xoxo

perspective

Perspective ~ "a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view."

~sometimes you need to change your perspective to see things differently~

I need to write. I miss it desperately. It gives me clarity.  I have decided that because of perspective... not everyone is going to get me. That's okay.  I hope that those I love, and love me, can look past things they see differently and perhaps can allow me to write my heart & mind. Not worry about someone misunderstanding me.  Frankly, if those that love me understand me, then why should I worry?

Anyway... I want to start up again. For me.

Life is good lately.
Far from perfect, but I don't think perfect exist.

Things are interesting.
Changing, evolving, and thought provoking.

A year ago, five years ago, or ten years ago... I thought things would be very different today.
Life at 52. Not quite what I envisioned. A few surprises along the way. I don't mean in a negative way, or even a positive way.  Just not what I had imagined.

I'm happy. But I am also sad.  I have learned over the past few years that is okay. As long as there is a balance.
Menopause, aging, working and living... I am learning to have a new perspective on my life.

I feel this is right. Accepting some changes.  Standing up against some that are not alright with me.

My clock is ticking. Time is slipping away.  Where did yesterday go? And why have the years flown so quickly?  I am starting realize that some dreams are not going to be met. And some new wonders have filled in their places.  It is okay. Sometimes scary, and sometimes exciting.

My life.

It's not over yet.

I have time to make a difference.

Auld Lang Syne

 

Life is interesting.

As 2013 has come and gone, I, like many,

reflect on what the year brought me.

Pleasure and pain.

Sadness and joy.

Prosperity and destitute.

 

I am 51 years old and have had my share of a good life.

I have been Blessed. I have been dilapidated.

 I had to learn to really appreciate my life. 

To accept the life God has given me as well as the plan

He has for me.

 

Life IS good. Very Good indeed.

 

I see my life differently than previously. Finally learning to control the depression and to focus on the way I handle things that come my way.

 

I expect change for 2014. Good change. So much opportunity in this year and I am going to embrace it.

 

In order for me to see more positive and less negative, I must start within myself.

 

I am trying to think of the many things I can do every day to make a more positive impact within myself and perhaps outside the walls of me. Who knows? Maybe it can be contagious and others can enjoy more happiness and contentment as well.

 

Janis' euphoria list for 2014 in no particular order, what I intend to begin, increase, and continue for this Blessed year, every day or at least more often...

 

smile, laugh, kiss, hug, dance, compliment, listen,

 

walk, exercise, therapy, meditate, healthier eating, drink more water, more soaking in the tub & sharing the shower, manicures & pedicures (even just a do it myself),

 

read, sing, write & photograph more, 

 

less social media more live social interaction,

 

gardening, de-cluttering the home, simplify housework, master knitting and/crocheting, sewing,

 

make more time for loved ones less for those that do not need me

 

prioritize my work... do what I should, not what I settle for.

 

love my husband more, for he is my rock, that gets me through (and he is still such a hottie!)

 

get to know my adult daughters, as our roles have changed and I continue to be in awe.

 

The list continues. I could go on and on.  But, rather than write about it, maybe I should start living it.

Life is too short not to live.

xoxo

 

 

Welcome To Heaven Barbie

I need to go ahead and write about Mom and her death.
This may be too long and too much information.  Writing is more about me and my coping and processing. So with that, I am just gonna breathe it out of my cluttered head.

Most of you did not know her other than what I portrayed here in Blog World.  I recently went back and read some of it.  I still feel that what I wrote was honest and was loving.  I truly loved my Mom.  I wanted to better understand and realize that when she was crazy, it wasn't really my Mom, but the sickness of manic and depressive behavior.  She was thought to be bi-polar by some diagnose.  She was thought to be a manic depressant. She also was diagnose as a Boarderline Personality Disorder person.  And this fit her to a tee.

I want you to know that even when others felt my "Tough Love" was cruel, and when others felt my boundaries where unnecessary, I did what I knew best to protect myself as well as to help and not enable my Mom.

For most only knew this incredible loving and wonderful woman.  I am so glad of this.  I wanted all to know that side of her & prayed that others would not see the harsh or feel the pain.  Mom was a beautiful person.  She was full of love and very generous.  She was helpful, a rescuer.  She would give a stranger whatever they needed. She was a good Mom, and a good Wife.  I have a lifetime of the best memories a person could ask for.


However, with that being said.  She also had a deep side that was very troubling.  I don't blame her.  I blame her illness. Few knew, what my Sister and I really have been through over the past 50 years.  I am not looking for sympathy or even understanding. I wrote because it helped me.  It was really a way to help myself to understand and to heal.

Looking back, especially now that my mom has died, do I wish I had done things differently? Perhaps... but I can't go backwards only forward.  I forgave my mom a long time ago. When she was manic, I coped best I could.  It is extremely frustrating and heartbreaking to see someone you love self-destruct. Especially when your hand is out and it isn't accepted.  I'm sure I could have done things differently or even better.  But, the bottom line is I can't blame myself or anyone for Mom's problems or her death.  Only God knew the exact day, hour and even minute, my mom would be released of her demons and brought home to Heaven.

The weeks before Mom's death, my sister and I were in consent contact.  We are close and we "understand" much that others can not.  My parents moved just three weeks before she died.  She was on a ... mindset.  She had decided to go headfirst into another quick decision without thinking much ahead or allowing others to give input. It is thought that my Sis and I were not "cooperating" or being supportive.  That wasn't so much the case, rather we wanted my parents to rationalize their decisions and go forward cautiously crossing T's and dotting I's.  My mom decided to have a party, prior to the big move in which my Sister and I were not able to attend.  I had hoped she would wait and have this gathering following the move but, well, Mom does things her way.

There was much concern also as she was tired.  She recently was confined to have COPD and she has been very depressed.  She had decided to move herself from her apartment as well as my father from the Assisted Living where he was, and combine their households to a side by side independent living apartments.  We had a lot of concerns...

Sis started having strange dreams, and I started having an extreme desire to see Mom.  While she usually is very much in contact with us with emails and phone, she stopped the week they moved.  Not a peep, for more than a week.  And we couldn't get through.  Internet not yet connected, her cell was not in service, and Dad did not have voice mail on his line.  We got a hold of Dad on Friday the 11th of May.  I asked if we could stop by for a visit and to see the new place (they had been there two weeks now).  He was thrilled and put Mom on the phone.  She too said yes, I could come and she would like that.  So, the next day, May 12th, I packed my girls & self in the car and met Julie and her husband & daughter as we visited Mom & Dad for a while.  There place was dismayed and still packed.  Mom continued to have not felt up to unpack.  She agreed that maybe she could use some help and made arrangements with Julie while we were there for the following Thursday to come unpack.

Our visit was nice... Mom was so ..quiescent. Not at all talkative and animated as usual. But she was smiling and enjoying her visit wit us and the girls.

On Sunday, we chatted on the phone.  i called to wish her a Happy Mother's Day as I was heading to work.  She was apologetic and grateful.  I reminded her that she had nothing to apologize for and that I loved her always. On Wednesday, I got a thank you card from her for the Mother's Day gift and visit.  On Thursday, she cancelled getting together with Sis, to finish the unpacking.

On Friday, she was dead.

I was vacuuming at around 6:30pm. Annie had some friends stopping by and I was doing a run through on the house.  I saw I missed a call from Mom & Dad while the vacuum was running. The voice mail clicked.  I hit play...
Dad: " Yeah Jan, better call me. Mom just past away. I tried to get her help but she wouldn't do it. So please call."
Me: whatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt?  I played it over on speaker for Hubby to hear, then we tried to call Dad, Mom, Sis... again and again. I left voice mail for Sis to call me back ASAP. I then got a hold of Dad finally.  Yes, mom, died... she passed out while standing in the bathroom.  The paramedics were there now.  So was the police.  Yes, Dad, I am on my way.  then Julie called.  I carefully gave her the dreadful news and we agreed to meet at their apartment asap.

When we got there.  The Police were very kind, as were the paramedics.  We were waiting on the Coroner.  She confirmed...  It appeared, Mom had stood up, got that dizzy feeling we sometimes gets, but because she was on oxygen when she gasped, she got a burst of extra oxygen that slammed into her heart, causing it to go into cardiac arrest.  She most likely died before hitting the floor around 6:00pm.

I asked if I could go in...
She said, No.
I said, "please, I would like to see my mother now."
She said, she did not advise it and preferred me to wait till the funeral director gets her to prepare her, them we can see her.
I said, "well, I really want to see my mom now.. not later.  I understand that my mom may not look good.  I understand that she may have had body fluids leave her body... that I have worked hospice, and I get it. But, I needed to see her now. Right now".
A bit more arguing then, she let me go see my mom.

I touched her hand that peeked out of the cover. It was cold.. I uncovered her sweet face... I stroked her temple. The way I use to as a child. It was something I would do to comfort her when she was overwhelmed or sad.  I would sit with her, sometimes even on her lap, and stroke her temple forehead. pulling the tension away, calming her ever so.  I sat there on the floor, stroking my mom.. I told her it was okay.  I told her she could go home now. I told her not to worry anymore.  That it was okay.  That I would take care of Dad, and it was time for her to go home. I told her I loved her. I felt her peace.  I felt mine.

I am very grateful for those few moments alone with my mom. I needed them.

They took Mom's body. and we were left with Dad.  He didn't want to leave.  He wanted to stay and assured us he was okay.  We agreed, and since it was late, we headed home.

The next few days were fuzzy.  Our main priority was to get Dad in proper care.  He is fairly independent, but because of his many health problems and the fact that Mom did much of everything for him, we needed him in a safer environment. We all agreed (with Dad's Blessings to start the process of moving him closer to me.  That where he was (40 minutes west of me and 70 minutes east of Julie, was not an idea location.  Moving him to the East side made more sense as many of his friends, family can now visit with him.  My Sis plans to move back closer to this area also before too long so it was agreed.  Also, Dad agreed to assisted living as he was familiar with it while he briefly lived in AL while in Greencastle.  He liked the idea of having his own apartment, and still having a dining hall (with great food), nursing on staff, as well as a bunch of other opportunities.  Also, my In Laws live just 3 doors down from Dad at this wonderful place. So it came highly recommended.

We also, had to go through funeral arrangements.  We knew what Mom wanted. She had it laid out in her lock box.  We honored her wishes as well as added some love. Annie made these wonderful book markers.  They were just the ticket... gave everyone a smile as this is the Barb they loved.

Mom had two beautiful services.  First, at her church in Greencastle, a beautiful service, by a loving Pastor. Second, a Celebration of Life, held in Indianapolis.  Here we gathered, shared Barb stories, tears, and laughs.

what was left of the Barbie Bangles

My mom had a lot of Flare.  She loved big earnings, noisy bracelets, and bright fun colors.  I had gathered dozens (maybe a hundred) bracelets and bangles that Mom had worn over the years.  I placed them in a big Fish Bowl with a note asking for all to take one, in remembrance of my mom. This was a huge hit.  I looked around the room, seeing her friends wearing the Barbie Bangles as we started calling them.  It was beautiful.  Over the next week, I got wonderful messages of how much they were loved and appreciated, as well as where they were going wearing them.

There were lovely flowers as well as donations made to Mom's favorite charities... The Putnam County Humane Society and The St Andrews Non Food Pantry where my mom gave much of her time to help those less fortunate than herself.

We had a bunch of picture boards.  Much fun to see the many faces of Barb.. And the many hair styles and colors..lol.  Mom LOVED to jazz it up! She enjoyed coloring her hair, perming her hair, a variety of hair styles as well as wigs.  She was adorable in these many photos.  Prior to the funeral, I had the picture boards at home.  I caught my cat, Mischa, starring at the many pictures... moving across, looking in depth to each one.

I was thrilled to see so much love at Mom's services.  Just seeing a roomful of people that loved her so was wonderful.  At one point, an old friend approached me.  She said some things... some cruel things.  Some blameful things.  It was very unexpected and hurtful. I was very gracious.  I tried to change the tone. But as I saw, it wasn't going to happen, I said, I was sorry she felt this way, HOWEVER, my Father is sitting right here... close-by.  He just lost his wife of 53 years.. I just lost my Mom... we are trying to celebrate her life as positive as we can, and that I do believe it was time for her to leave. I calmly asked her husband to take her out..now.  And I retreated to the restroom, where I broke down in a heap...  Who could be so cruel?  Why was she so mean?  I quickly had friends & Sis surround me, and the love was uplifting.  As things were being said, I suggested (through my tears), that we all mourn differently.  That she said what she felt must be said. That, it is done, and best we could do is to Pray for her, as surely, her words, needed prayer.  Who am I to pass judgement?  She spoke what she felt and knew.  As we reentered the room, composing myself, I must say I was a bit tickled to see a couple of my dad's buddies (Oldies that is) scanning the place, making sure this negative person had left the building.  It was very sweet to see them so protective. I knew my Mom.  She would never want someone to put blame or say such things. I'm just relieved this person ran into me rather than my Sister.

With Mom's funeral services complete, we focused on the task of getting Dad moved as well as taking over Power of Attorney and taking care of his financial and medical needs.  I have been introduced into the world of the Veteran's Hospital, and the medicare system.  Dad gave us quiet a scare...Thankfully, we were at the new Assisted Living facility, visiting and got to see first handedly how prompt and caring they are. Dad went into a diabetic crash, sugar down to a 37 (35 is diabetic coma).  We got to know the local fire department as well as the paramedics.  I was terrified as I thought I was about to lose my Dad just two weeks following Mom.  Within 35 hours he went the opposite way with a high sugar at 408.  We are so grateful to now have him in a place where he can be regulated.  With a dining schedule and medication schedule as is he is flying toward a healthier sugar levels as well as general health.  And he is starting to show some happiness.  He is starting to laugh again.

Cousin Shari with Dad

My precious cousin Shari came to visit us and to help us with dad.  I didn't realize how much we needed her till she actually got here.  She is a blessing.  Dad said she "Sharitized" his place, as she spent much time with him and getting things organized.  (Dad can't tell Shari NO like he does Sis & I).

My role as a daughter has changed.  I am now also a caretaker.  I am a power of attorney.  Dad depends on me and Sis now. I'm now a Motherless daughter. Not an easy role, but one that I must accept.

The road is not over, it has just begun.

I will honor Mom.  I will take good care of Dad.  I will make Mom proud.

whew... this was long, but so therapeutic. thanks for lending your ear. 

Stumbling

I stumbled a bit this week. 
A couple of things tripped me up.
BUT... It's all good.
There was a time not so long ago, I could not handle stumbling.  Be it small and personal or something major upsetting me enough to take quite a tumble.

Not so long ago, I would get panicky... frustrated... or overwhelmed.

I would struggle with the stumbling and need help back up.

Things have changed for me.
I still stumble...
Things happen that, well, darn it, wasn't a part of the plan I HAD. 

Something has changed in me.  Something for the better.  Now, I can look past the tumbles and trip ups.

Even if I still get scraps and bruises.
I know I will be okay.

I think I have learned to take things with a little salt...
I have learned that maybe, just maybe, I needed that little trip...

You see, I have learned to make that stumble a part of the plan. Turn it into.. I meant that... kind of like, when you start to stumble and turn it into a goofy dance. 
That's where I am today.

just breathe j...

I haven't been able to write lately.
I've been incredible Blessed to be busy with my girls at work...
A house calling me to cleannnnnn...
I've been working on the Baby Clothes Project...
Dogs that are demanding...
Daughters to keep tabs on...
...and I've had some family crisis to deal with.
Frankly, while writing about this would help me to breathe and clear my head, it is not an appropriate thing to write about and I must leave the sharing to those that care most about me and keep things private. In due time perhaps, but, not today.
I have actually toyed with the idea of pinning a novel. If I write this life story as a novel, perhaps it would be more accepted and I can blend some fiction into it to make it a better read. And protect the many innocent as well. If someone that knew me or family read this as "fiction", it can't hurt so much. And hopefully some would think some truths were actually the fictional parts, and not become upset.
I don't know.
The chapters are swimming in my brain. Begging to flow onto paper.

However, I know someone, lets just say this person has been trying to pin a book for many years....not only her perception of what happened is inaccurate, she is using false data, and dragging her family into a slippery slope of ugliness. Not pretty at all.  And the saddest part is how it is written. Portions have been shared and I think she is spending far too much for a dead end story. She believes this book will make her millions.
I am not looking to make millions. I certainly am not looking to become well known. To be published, and for me not to loose money...now that would be an achievement that I would be honored to hold.

The words are all here... I lie in bed retelling it and tweaking it.

I think it's better to leave the good & happy in my blog. A whole lot of laughs & fun is better than sorrow and tears.

Anyway....
Having a lovely afternoon. Enjoying a pretty day and trying to get caught up on EVERYTHING!!!
I wanna go "play" in Pinterest Land.  that is such a lovely place.  So inspiring.  I have so many blogs to play catch up. I fear I have lost touch with many and need to check up on my Blogettes.  Hopefully all is good.

Dang... how can it be 6pm already?  I guess I should fix dinner.  Im only home for dinner a couple of nights a week so I really should be a dear wifey & go put some magic together on the stove.

Love to you all~

No Regrets.... from now on

I admit. I have had a few.
Maybe too many.
But...
Would I have arrived where I am without them?

I do wish I could twitch my nose, and POOF! that didn't happen!

But... I can't.

And that's okay.

I have learned a lot over the past few years. Particularly the past couple.

What has happened, has happened. 

As Betsy has taught me... "you can't changed that chair into a couch no matter how much you want it done!" With that being said, I am ready to move on.

From writing, and reviling some scars I have thought much about some of the things I have endured. I am not looking for pity here... I just wonder how things were overlooked and I was not rescued.
...from the abusive teacher
...from the abusive uncle
...from the abusive friend of a parent
...from the abusive boyfriend
...from the neglectful friend

was it really hard to step up and protect the child? the teen? the woman?

sigh

Then, I think of the mistakes I have made on my own. Sure, blame it on someone or something, but when you get down to it, I made my paths myself.
What was I thinking?
Why wasn't I thinking?

sigh times two.

Today is a new day. 
From here on, I am not going to allow myself to be a victim. 
I am going to continue to be me... moving forward with a generous heart full of love. I am going to be giving and helpful. I am gonna keep smiling and laughing.

I feel a sense of relief.  Like a heavy burden has been lifted.

dare i say it?

I CAN BREATHE

life breaths

http://www.timgrayphotography.com/

Sometimes, things are going so splendidly~ You find yourself actually smiling every day. Feeling giddy. Enjoying the little things.  You see the world with a brighter attitude.  You are proud of yourself for the first time in a long time. The way you handle the bumps in the road and the coping skills you have learned.
Life is good...
you are happy.

Then in a blink of an eye, something flips. Just like a light switch.

Maybe it is the weather...
Maybe it is financial...
Maybe it is just too many harsh words from someone you love...
Or maybe, it is all the above.

I look around me, and see so many things to make me happy. So many reasons to rejoice.
but sometimes I can't stop the vortex sucking me in, feeling myself spin, getting that sick feeling in my stomach, my head gets hot, and my heart starts to crumble.

I think about those less fortunate and carry many larger burdens. How impressive it is that they can manage and be so positive.

I try so hard to not carry a self pity for myself.  I remind myself that I must trust God's plan for me and not question it. To have faith that God is in charge and WILL see me through everything always. I can't change what is my destiny and instead embrace and try to better understand what I am to learn through each experience given to me.

My beautiful breeze has left us.  In it's place is horrible hot humid days with a heat index of 111. Yesterday, I feared I would have a heart attack as I cut the grass in this heat.  I know that the lawnmower stopped those three times to force me to catch my breath and to hydrate myself.

I am anxiously waiting to get back to work (not until mid-August), so I can receive my much needed paychecks to contribute to our cost of living. Also my work makes me happy.

I struggle with not being able to "fix" things for those I love.  I want to make things easier, I want to give comfort.  I want to give reassurance.  I keep trying to "turn that chair into a couch".

The Hubby's work is very intense and grueling lately (actually always).He is a tough negotiator and doesn't get contracts completed by being gentle. The tougher the situation the more likely it will trickle home. Which makes life at home hard for me.

There are other problems within those walls that is putting too much pressure within. In respect of my family, I don't write about this, but it doesn't mean it isn't there. Part of my biggest problem is the fact that I know I will never live up to high expectations. Nor be loved as much as I give. It is a harsh, taxing, and destructive walk. Sometimes I feel so ready to give up. But, God keeps me going.  I know He's got my back.

If you are a reader of Faith... I would appreciate some prayers.  If you are not, any positive energy sent my way would be appreciated.  I know I will get through this all, but I feel a definite struggle  with this.

Life is so short...

My 50 Before Fifty

In one week I will have my last birthday of my forties.

I've been thinking a bit about it. More like embracing it. The past couple years have been, well, not the best. I've made some changes. Some readjusting. Some tweaking.

This past month has been pretty darn good. Especially mentally.

I am finally learning to breathe.

I have seen some great list on Blogs.  I have tried to give myself one.  Although mine isn't as cool (graphic wise anyway) as many I have admired.  Mine is important to me.  I have decided to put it up on my side bar. To help me see daily, and attempt to cross them off. (Well, a heart next to the item means it's completed or now a regular part of my life).

Maybe, I will even inspire others to improve their lives as well.

Although some of these are simple, they are just as important to my better living as the major ones.  Each one can only bring me a better quality of life.

A happier me.

Enjoy my list and those who know me...help me achieve my goals.

Fifty Before 50

have a job i love

love the skin i'm in
buy a cruiser bicycle

develop a budget that works for us

walk 3 miles a day

perfect my ASL
write more
learn to keep my house CLEAN
cook healthier meals
grow a garden
read my Bible
train my pets to behave
bake more often
take a baking class
finish my Baby Clothes Tree Skirts
trip to see Deb again
trip to see Janet
trip to see Shari
learn to Kayak
improve my marriage
start yoga again
be a better friend
go to a museum
go to a craft fair
spend more time with my daughters
write more letters
learn to knit or crochet...correctly
work out regularly
lose 10-15 pounds
relax more
read more
listen more-talk less
have more belly laughs
at least 6 dog walks a week (that's 2 each dog)
organize our photographs
learn to let it go
pray more
pick a church that I go to regularly again
always be kind
smile
learn to enjoy working in the yard

know & accept my limits
enjoy the parks
go to an outside music concert. maybe jazz or symphony

take more bubble baths
frequent flea markets & antique malls

go swimming
de-clutter my life as well as my house
make decisions I can be proud of
Love myself as I do others

Extraordinary

Emily & Izzy

my daughter

she is amazing

sometimes life throws us a curve ball

sometimes things don't go according to our plan

you can curl up and cry

or

you can pick yourself up

brush yourself off

and start all over again

Em has been thrown the curve ball

she has chosen to be strong

she realizes that 

what doesn't destroy her

makes her stronger

that

experiences we endure

help us to become

better

that sometimes we need to 

listen & follow God's plan

to trust

that He is in charge

that He will see us through

with God

all things are possible

Ready For a New Chapter

My Life is much like a book.

The story seems to be one you know how it will end, but sometimes you find interesting changes.
Unforeseen events that keep you interested and make you wonder what is next. Expectations change.

And so begins a new chapter to that life story I thought I knew.

These new pages offer me thrill as well as fear. I will embrace new challenges and take on things I am not familiar with. I will pull up my big girl panties and face things that frighten me.

I do believe that good things are to come. Sometimes when we walk through some valleys we appreciate the hills more.  I am okay with that.  I also believe that this is all a part of a plan, a blueprint if you will.  I must be patient and listen to my heart. What is it that God has in store for me? How exciting!

So, I am ready for this change. I am ready for a new chapter. I embrace what God has in store for me, so bring it on!

The Paths We Choose

I am not sure if this is the right title for this blog this evening...

My thoughts are wrapped around how people choose to live.

By choice.

I daily drive through a few lower income neighborhoods. I also drive by some pricey downtown condominiums.

As I drive by the lower income neighborhoods, I am amaze by several things.
I notice that this is a diverse neighborhood. There are mostly Caucasians, African Americans, and Hispanic families that live here. There are churches of many denominations.
I see graffiti and I have seen a drug deal "go down".
I see children playing, neighbors chatting, and people enjoying life. I also see parents waiting with children to board school buses and I see parents waiting for them to get off buses. When driving through the weekends I see baseball games, with huge turn outs.
I see drunks trying to walk a straight path, homeless people passing by, and occasionally I see a tired young prostitute walking in the early hours.
Most of these people appear to be hard working people. Some appear to be freeloaders.
Most of these homes are well kept. Flowers, gardens, even several hang those Tomato Topsy Turvies things with lush tomato plants hanging out. Some are not so well kept with high grass, broken glass and junk in the yard. Many have furniture sitting on the front porches.
With Halloween around the corner (okay... I agree, we still have 8 weeks, but if it is in the stores...) I am already seeing the "artwork" begin. Massive spider webs, and those giant air filled characters, pumpkins and such. This will continue throughout all the holidays, with the Mother of them all (Or should I say Father) Christmas with elaborate light displays that stay on all night. I also notice that although money may be tight, I see a ton of satellite dishes, as well as other items that are not inexpensive. I am curious as to why people would chose to spend their hard earned dollars on the like.
These people for the most part enjoy the lives that God has given them. They make the best of them and do what they gotta do. I hear and see people singing, playing guitars and I hear laughter.

The upper class condominium neighborhoods?
I see runners and joggers. I see dog walkers. I see expensive clothing and expensive gadgets. I see posh furniture gleaming out the windows. I see expense cars. I see restaurants.
I see homeless wander through. I see some gang activity occasionally. I hear a loud ghetto blaster pouring out of a passing car.
That's about it.

I don't see children. I don't see neighbors chatting. I don't see holiday greetings. I don't hear laughter.

I wonder if the wealthy get too caught up in the high society world and forget to sit back and enjoy life?

Do you need to be a little humbled to appreciate life and make it the best you can?

I ponder this. I do believe we choose the lives we live to a point. Situations happen that can turn a world upside down in a nano second. I do believe you need to accept and make the best rather than complain and whine. I do believe it can be easy to get to caught up when one is privilege and forgets to relax and enjoy.

Of course I am not talking about everyone. We all have a story. We all live a life and see things differently.

But I do wonder. What if we took a good look at what we have and what we don't. Maybe remembering to be thankful for what we do, and to remember to LIVE isn't such a bad idea.

The Pleaser

Once upon a time a baby girl was born. She didn't ask to be born, but was grateful. She was born to a Mother & a Father, that were struggling to get by along with their little girl, the Baby's older Sister. The young family struggled, but they were happy. The Big Sister loved her Baby Sister. The parents loved their daughters. But things were tough. Money was tight, the couple were young and inexperienced.

When the Baby girl was almost a year old, her parents were in a horrible accident. They survive but there were consequences. Her father was handicapped, her mother although her injuries were not severe, the emotional scars, and the burdens to follow were heavy.

The girls did not get the same care they once did. The accident changed everything. Their Mother had many new responsibilities to deal with and her time was thinned.

They survived. They made do. They were there for each other when the parents could not be. The little girls figured out the best survival skills they could find and that got them through and made them strong.

The older Sister functioned best by putting things out of her mind. She preoccupied herself with activities, friends, and life. She got thick skinned and learned to let things roll off of her without doing too much damage.

The little sister functioned best by trying to fix everything and everyone. She learned to be a "Pleaser". She tried to make others happy, comfortable and less stressed. This was not the best way to do things, especially for her, but was what she knew. It was how she coped. She always put herself last and served everyone. She learned how to be a good listener. She learned how to make others laugh. She worked hard to make others particularly, her family feel comfort. She constantly put herself in harms way (the thick of the family's dysfunction).

The family continued to have lots of problems. The parents had poor skills of how to make a better life. They would bring joy to the daughters & each other, but their long term thought process never kicked in. A good thing was always followed by a bad thing.

Depression, suicidal tendencies, drinking and blaming always interfered in this family. Growing up was difficult for the girls. Scary.

The older sister learned well that blocking the bad memories out allowed her to flourish, although things sometimes haunted her.

The younger Sister constantly tried to fix people. It carried through with her her whole life. When things went wrong she still blamed herself, as that was what she learned.

When a Pleaser allows to be a target, the arrow always finds the target. She will be blamed and take to heart any of the bad that happens.

The little Girl grow up and found ways not to be overwhelm. But she continued to try to fix and save people, animals and things.

She meet a wonderful Prince that turned her world upside down (in a good way). They had two little girls as well and were on their way to "Happily Ever After".

But the past haunts her. The present haunts her.

The girl's parents continue to have problems. They let their problems get enormous and out of control. They are in their golden years but miserable. They pour that out to the girls who want to help and have tried unsuccessfully.

One day the Girl, now a Woman, became frightened. She knew she couldn't handle it anymore. But rather than fall into the same pattern of her parents, she fought back. She let love ones know she was overwhelmed and needed help. Together with their support she was able to become strong, face her demons and realize none of it was her fault. Even when her Father tried once again to take his life, telling her that if anything happened to him it would be her fault. She got professional help and medical help. She let her daughters, who also are now adults know that it is okay, not to be able to burden the worlds problems. That when the going gets tough, you fight back.

Now, with a little something that helps her stabilize her depression, and a wonderful Therapist that makes her feel "normal", she has become a happy person. She enjoys her husband. She enjoys her daughters. She has learned to set boundaries. And best of all, understands, it's not her fault.

Even at 48, I find myself fearing the overwhelming guilt of not being able to "fix" everything. One of the parents, is again, threatening suicide. Throwing the guilt and Damning life. Amazes me that it still can grasp me and shake me up so. I am doing a really good job of keeping my head high and embracing the good things in life. I speak lovingly to the parents. I realize they haven't a clue what they do to me. I pray even harder. But... I also have made peace with myself. "I can't fix people". It's not my job, nor responsibility...

The Right Thing...

How do we know what the right thing is?

The right thing to do... how do we know?

I am perplexed once again.
Do I follow my heart or do I follow my head?

Sometimes the simpliest things can feel the most complex.

What is right for one, may be wrong for another.

Life isn't always easy or fair. But it is what it is, and we make the best of it.

This too will pass. There will be more mountains to climb, and more valleys to cross.

It's A Wonderful Life

I have had a crappy week.
My allergies are in full force. I have a horrible cold or flu or something mean, that is causing me much grief. I am sweating and freezing at the same time. My head is like a balloon. Sergio is afraid to sleep in the same room with me (sorry Baby, you WILL catch this anyway. Too late!)
I know I will feel better soon. This will pass...
I have had some finance crisis that has had me in a frenzy. My job had me stressed too.
I have that settled now.
Our closing on the new house was suppose to take place a week ago. We finally got a Clear To Close on Thursday morning. But the jerky seller is being an ass, and although he knew we had movers planned for this perfect, extended weekend to close, decided to make us wait till Tuesday. So we have lost four days that neither of us had to work, plus the girls were planning to come home to help, just because the seller wanted to be a jerk. After the closing, Sergio has to go out of town on Tuesday so, it is going to be a slow difficult move alittle each day move now.
BUT...
I am okay with it.
As my daughter reminded me, worrying about it or getting angry, won't change things. It is, what it is. I have always said this and now it is time for me to take some of my own advice.

I had a funeral to go to earlier this week. Betty, a lovely woman that was the assistant leader in my Camp Fire Troop. She was 86. I felt so bad that I had lost touch. I had not seen her in years. Occasional run into her daughter, my childhood friend, and would catch up, but we rarely saw each other. Before the funeral I met up with three other Camp Fire Sisters and we got caught up before arriving at the funeral home. We then gathered with our friend that lost her Mom and promised each other we would keep in touch better. No more only seeing each other at times like these. We have a get together planned already. Betty, will be so proud to know she has brought us back together.
Some good from a sad situation.

I have so much to be grateful for.
God has truly Blessed my life.
Sometimes we (I) get so caught up in the things that drag me down, that I forget to look at the big picture. All the wonderful things in my life. I have such an exciting future that is only going to get better. Good things are happening. So a few things do not go according to MY plan. Am I forgetting this is all a part of HIS plan for me? I need to remember to truly give all my worries, my fears, my anxieties, and my joys to God. Then, and only then, can I enjoy what I have.
ps.. Thank you Mary for reminding me of this.
Mine is a WONDERFUL life.

chapters...

I have been rather blue lately. Downright melancholy. I don’t have any true reasons.

Actually, things are looking brighter.

Much like a book, I am ending a chapter, and the upcoming chapter looks inviting and exciting. Good things to come, while harder things are getting ..umm easier?

Looming in the very near future is Changes. This new chapter has several changes that I will have to adapt to. I look forward and anticipate the excitement of the fall. We will have some clarity. We also will have some confusion. Things will be different, yet some things will remain.

Annie will soon be leaving the nest for her new college life. That is a very good thing and I am excited for her. I am anxious for her to spread her wings. I know she will be happy and I look forward to her stories and visits home.

Emily will be starting her 3rd year at Ball State University. She has grown so much in these past couple of years. I want her to continue to be the strong loving woman she has become. I look forward to seeing what this year has in store for her.

Sergio & I are in a good place. He has been my rock, and I like to think I have for him.

My job is enjoyable, and I like my co-workers. The uncertainly of being a Temp makes me crazy. Although I am told the work I am doing will continue until the fall of 2010. Hopefully, the job freeze will be lifted, and I will have "permanent" status.

I want to get a grasp on my life. I want to be in a place that Sergio and the girls will be proud of me. I want to like me again. I want to be proud of myself. I want to see the good, not the bad.

Counting My Blessings

I know I often play the "Crappy Life" card. But, please know that I really have a wonderful life for which I am grateful. Venting and validating is just a way to get pass things.

The Blessings are far more plentiful than the bad, difficult or uncomfortable parts. I know I have said it many times, but, truly, I believe it is all a part of the big plan God has for me and I need to remember to enjoy the ride.

I am grateful for so much.

My God, Family and Friends. My opportunities and my experiences. My health, happiness and love. My sense of humor and my caring sensative soul.

I thank God every single day.

Simple Rules

Okay. I try not to be anal. I try not to be controlling. BUT there are some simple RULES OF LIFE everybody should just get. Can we give out instruction manuals? Here is what I am complaining about:

IN PUBLIC:
1. You are not allowed to touch yourself inappropriately. I don't care if you have an "itch". Go to the restroom in do it in private.
2. Stay out of my personal space. Especially if you are a stranger. ARMS LENGTH. Get the hell back!
3. Get off my Ass. That personal space goes for driving too. Don't tailgate me. I am liable to slam on my brakes just because you are pissing me off.
4. You are not ever ever ever allowed to clip your nails in public. To me that is like picking your nose. I don't want to see your clippings flick ever where.
5. Cashiers, please don't flip through my magazine I am purchasing. That isn't for your pleasure. And frankly I am not interested in your opinion about who is on the cover.
6. Parents, take your whining, crying child out of the restaurant. I didn't come out to dinner to hear this. If I could teach manners to my children, you can too. Going to eat is a treat, lets keep it that way for ALL of us.
7. Co-workers, neighbors, & acquaintances. stop gossiping. I don't care nor need to know this information about others. It just makes me wonder what you talk about me to others.

AT HOME:
1. Pick up YOUR stuff. If you put there, you pick it up. We do not have maid service here.
2. Please close the toilet lid. The pets think they can drink from it & there is a cleaner that can make them sick in there.
3. DON'T use my towel.
4. If you can rinse a dish off and set it on the counter, why can't you set it "in" the dishwasher?
5. Empty water bottles go in the trash can, not where ever you finished drinking it.
6. Wipe down the sink when you finish using it.
7. The pets would love for you to feed them & clean the liter box. They think Mom shouldn't always do it.
8. Make your bed!
9. Turn things off when you are done.
10. STAY OFF MY COMPUTER

These are just a few simple rules that Everyone should live by. Got any to add?