stifle

I have been quite for some time.  Slowly my writing was suffocating as I was told to repress... I needed to stop embarrassing others with my thoughts.  I needed to suck it up, constraint myself from expression, and shut the fuck up.

I was merely writing what was in my heart and going through my brain, however... some people took it personal... feeling exposed, or worried I would make myself look ridiculously stupid.  If I "feel the need to write", then why couldn't I keep it private?  Why did I feel I needed to blog? 

Because... it allowed me to breathe.

I wasn't attempting to expose.  I was simply giving my outlook, my two cents, my point of view of how life was for who I am and how I came to be.  In the process, I did on occasion feel validated.  I felt proud, and I felt myself growing and flourishing.

Just Breathe Janis, was never intended to call people out, show off or even to gain pity.  For me, years ago, my Aunt Linda, Grandma Kitty, and sister Julie use to tell me WRITE your story!  They were the recipients of many letters.... Some of my pre-historical blog entries. I had friends that loved my stories as well.  A friend use to beg me to enter them into Readers Digest.  My sister still encourages me to write... she never gave up on me. I have a Bestie, Sheri, who had started her Blog, Living with the Oldies, just a year prior to my launch. Watching her write was so therapeutic for her as well as lessons for all to learn to laugh rather than cry. When my therapist, Betsy, heard it was an outlet for me, she insisted I let it flow.

And so I did.
I wrote....
and I wrote.

Sometimes I could make others laugh, and sometimes cry.  Sometimes I would endorse things I found to enjoy. While other times I just had to put things out there.  My life was far from perfect and blogging made me realize I was not alone.

Three events took place that made me pull the plug a few years ago.
Three important relationships were struggling severely...
I had a job change that was very intense about having anything personal easily accessible...
And my depression was evolving into something different.

I began to Just Stifle Janis.

I have DOZENS of un-published post, lingering like a thought in the back of your brain. Something always stopped me from finishing them and most certainly publishing them. I just couldn't unleash them anymore...  Too afraid of the consequences. I lost my voice.

I started reading less (I know! that alone is a disaster!).
 I felt myself, forgive me friends that this will bother... dumb down.  When I had to change my primary language... using my secondary language, I often found myself losing the power of words. Like when I wanted to say how beautiful, attractive, exquisitive, gorgeous, alluring,.... it's all the same word as pretty.  Which wasn't as powerful as I may have wanted to say. 

Recently, I felt the need to write submerge.  The words forming in my brain.... as I lie in bed, the stories unraveled.  Tonight, I have decided to face my challenges, and let myself BREATHE again.

So... bear with me, and my grammar stumbling as I jump back on this computer journal.  Feel free to comment.... I can even take the negative.  I am writing for myself.  If I help anyone else along the way, as so many have helped me... then please pay it forward. Maybe, we can make each others lives a little better with truthful words and raw emotions.

No Regrets.... from now on

I admit. I have had a few.
Maybe too many.
But...
Would I have arrived where I am without them?

I do wish I could twitch my nose, and POOF! that didn't happen!

But... I can't.

And that's okay.

I have learned a lot over the past few years. Particularly the past couple.

What has happened, has happened. 

As Betsy has taught me... "you can't changed that chair into a couch no matter how much you want it done!" With that being said, I am ready to move on.

From writing, and reviling some scars I have thought much about some of the things I have endured. I am not looking for pity here... I just wonder how things were overlooked and I was not rescued.
...from the abusive teacher
...from the abusive uncle
...from the abusive friend of a parent
...from the abusive boyfriend
...from the neglectful friend

was it really hard to step up and protect the child? the teen? the woman?

sigh

Then, I think of the mistakes I have made on my own. Sure, blame it on someone or something, but when you get down to it, I made my paths myself.
What was I thinking?
Why wasn't I thinking?

sigh times two.

Today is a new day. 
From here on, I am not going to allow myself to be a victim. 
I am going to continue to be me... moving forward with a generous heart full of love. I am going to be giving and helpful. I am gonna keep smiling and laughing.

I feel a sense of relief.  Like a heavy burden has been lifted.

dare i say it?

I CAN BREATHE

An Aaa-Haaah Moment

Tonight I had one of those "Aaa-Haaa" moments. You know, when suddenly something has become clear. Crystal clear.

It is a Betsy(my Therapist), evening. I was rambling on about a relationship that hurts me and I just don't understand. Someone, whom I have loved for 20, no, make that close to 30 years. We were close, had a period of time we drifted. Then brought back together. Close again, then, not.

I have always given my all. Always been there, lovingly and caring. Things happened along the way. I always give the benefit of doubt and have also turned the other cheek.

Each time I was crapped on, I assumed this person didn't do it on person. Why would they?

A few things that happened over the years were icing on the cake. I decided, to keep my distance (& watch my back). Because of circumstances, we will always be connected, through a third party. There is no getting around this. However, I have grown a little spine and have set safe boundaries. Why set myself up for cruelity? Some people are just mean.

Back to my moment... This meanie is making waves again. Tonight, I was asking Betsy, why, I can't accept this and move on? Why do I let it hurt me so much? Why do I care?

After hearing our history. She told me about "Karpman's Triangle".

http:/en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

OMGosh! Thank you for having a term for this! I get it now. This person needed me, then turned to resent me for not being as needy as them.

Anyway, I can accept it now. I won't try to rescue this person anymore (the only rescue I have done lately is defend them). I am perfectly okay with what I have done and how I have always treated them. They are not going to get to me and make me become the Perpetrator. Finally I can see it is okay if they want to blame me, make up stories to make me look bad to the third party, and beat me down. The third party, has made it very clear that they know what kind of person I am, I need not feel I need to prove anything.

How does that saying go we all learned in Kindergarten?...
"Sticks & Stones can break my bones, but names can never harm me!"