50 years ago... my world changed

Half a century ago, an event took place that changed my family's life forever.

My young parents, had dreams of prosper and visions of a great life. My sister not yet 3 years old and I at 10 months, completed our family. They had recently decided they would soon move us from Indiana to Texas. My Mom was from San Antonio, and with jobs declining, and the threat of my Dad's job on the line, they had hopes of moving our family south so we could prosper and my Mom would be closer to her family.

My Dad had a friend named Bud, that often talked of his Harley Davidson, offering to Dad to take it for a spin any time. One beautiful day, April 6th, 1963...my Dad took him up on the offer, wanting to show my Mom how safe motorcycles were and wanted my Mom to see that it would be a good investment for them. My Dad felt with the warmer climate of Texas, and the small amount of fuel they took, this would be idea transportation for him once they moved to Texas.

My parents left my Sister and I in our Godparents care, and went for a spring ride on a 1948 Harley Davidson. I can assure you, my Dad was driving careful.  He was an experienced rider, his lovely wife was on the Bike with him, and he was trying to prove how safe they were, so she would be in agreement that he would buy one.

While driving along 42nd Street, in Indianapolis, they hit a rather large chuckhole, throwing them from the Harley. My Mom, skinned, broken arm and a good 50 feet from my Dad, couldn't get over to my Dad. He was badly injured with a massive head injury, among other things.

My Dad's vitals were slight. He was brought into the hospital as DOA... Dead On Arrival. A Resident was performing a check for all vitals and told his training Doctor he was certain he was hearing some gurgling in the heart... My Father, was indeed alive. Barely, but alive.

Across the city, his younger cousin, Pam, sat with her family watching television. The phone rang.   Her Mom, (whom not only very close to my Dad, but was a nurse as well), answered....Pam remembers her Mom saying over and ever again "Oh My God! Oh My God!.....

After that she left to go to the hospital. Pam will never forget the utter fear and helplessness in her voice.

 

Meanwhile, my Dad is hanging onto a thread of life. My Mom at 22 years, is watching a priest give last rights to husband, a shell of a 27 year old man... His discolored head cracked open, his body badly broken and torn apart from the pavement and impact. When her friend brings my Sister to see her, Julie is frightened of my mothers appearance, and does not recognize her. My scared Mom feels so alone. She looks at her husband...his  head is as round and large as a basketball. It is purple. He is not recognizable at all. The rest of his body is wrapped in cast and bandages. He does not look human.

 

My Dad survives the night.

In fact, although in a coma for 13 days, he is considered a miracle and many Doctors are amazed that he not only survied, but starts to show improvement. After a lengthy stay in the hospital and several months in rehabilitation, he leaves them... capable of walking out, speaking, and functioning... He has re-learned the most simple task that are extremely difficult to him. He has to learn to feed himself, master coordination skills, thought process, using his young yet damaged body the best he can. My Dad becomes a study case, and enjos the opportunity to assist the many Doctors and medical students in clinicals and interviews.  My Dad received an award from Crossroads Rehabilitation Center for his acheivements.

Over the course of a year, my Dad is back to work and trying to get his life back.

My Mom... she is thrilled to have him back....Alive... and having much of his functions back.  However they are not back to normal, and never will be.  My Dad's handicaps have put a huge unspoken burden on my Mom, who now has two small daughters as well as a handicap husband to care for.

Think for just a moment.

Look around and see all we have that is handicap accessable today. Now imagine 1963. We have none of it.  Nothing.

 

My Mom, kicks into gear, taking care of us all, never second guessing or complaining. She just jumps in and gets it done.  The dream to go back to Texas is gone. She does not get the pleasure of her family to help her, although Dad's family steps in.

 

Over the years, one thing after another, from the impact of "The Accident" as this has been named, has come upon them.  One day, my Dad's boss, (he was working in a manufacturing plant) approached him and told him that he is too slow now. His producting is not near what they need and they "don't want a retard working here". My devastated Dad can't find a job. We do not have laws in place to protect the Handicapped Employee back then. No Americans with Disabilities Act.

 

My parents go through a lengthy lawsuit against the City of Indianapolis, due to the road condition that caused the accident.  My sister and I are placed in separate homes. I am placed with friends, but I am far from my family. Day after day I sit at the window crying for my Mom. I miss her. I am scared and confused. I am around 4 years old. My sister stayed with a neighbor as she had school to attend. I don't understand why I am not with her. Or my Grandparents...Or cousins... I want my Mommy. My parents win. Which all I understand is I get to live with my family again, so I am happy. We move and I think all is going to be okay.

It's not.

Over the next 40 years... my depressed Dad tries to take his life several times. My Mom as well suffers much depression. My Sis & I survive a dysfunctional childhood and learn to take life for what it is. We learn coping skills, yet we also suffer the consequences of things that happened throughout our childhood.

 

You know, I often wonder what might have been had that event had not taken place. What kind of life would my parents have had. Who would Julie & I become if situations were different? Even though I wonder, and I certainly wish things were somewhat better for my parents all these years, I do believe that things happen in life and it's what we do with what we are given that matters. I don't think it was God's will that they were hurt in that accident, but I do think it was His will that they survived. What would have happened if they had died then? Who would have taken Sis & I? And would we have been able to stay together? I am so grateful that we did have our parents to raise us and I am grateful for the person I have become. Far from perfect... and still learning... even at 50, but I am who I am because of what I have been through, who has been a part of me, and for what I have learned through Faith.

 

It has been an eventful life.  A very eventful year.

 

Yet we continue to move forward.

 

My Dad is a survivor.

And so am I.

Snail Mail

When I was a little girl, I wrote a lot of mail.  Snail mail.  My Grandparents, my Cousins, my Friends, and when I was spending my summers in Texas, my Parents, Sister, and the Besties.

I remember in grade school getting to write Pen Pals at another school far away.  Our Teacher taught us how to write a letter.  What an opportunity.  How fortunate was I?  How sad this is no longer taught.  Do you remember the "rules?"  Date... Salutation...Body... Closing... Signature. 

In Middle School, I was notorious for note writing.  Once, a Teacher took one of my notes, read it out loud to my classmates, exposing my crush, and embarrassing me nearly to death. 
That did not stop me.
I was just more careful.. Writing (sometimes in code or with initials) passing the notes, and reading those from friends.  It became an art itself.  I still have many silly and precious notes from my Bestie. We have had a wonderful times reading over them so many years later... a good keep.
It tickles me to see Deliver De Letter De Sooner De Better... Or Sealed with a Kiss to Make it Stick.
Think of yesterday, when we did not have instant gratification of email, texting, and social media.  Even the phone calls.  Why when I was in college I was lucky to get to talk to my Mom once a week.  On a Dorm phone shared with 3 other girls. Nearly impossible to talk to a Bestie privately. To pour our hearts out, we had to depend on snail mail... knowing it would take three days to get to someone and three days to get a return letter. But so worth it.  Seeing that familiar handwriting, and knowing there is wisdom, humor and love within the letter!
I recently challenge myself to get back into writing snail mail.  I decided to send 52 letters in 52 weeks. It's going quite well. Actually, it is going splendid.  I did not realize the smiles it would deliver, yet alone the letters I would receive back.  Many friends have been motivated to join me in bringing this almost lost art back.  Do you remember the joy you would get seeing a letter to you in the mailbox?  Much like Christmas cards, another dying practice (please don't get me started about these Christmas email group messages).  I really want to hear from loved ones and I will take what I can get, but, I so prefer a personal letter of card.  I love the pictures and I enjoy the Christmas newsletters.
With some rather time consuming (and emotional) derailments that have hit, I am a tad behind but am not going to let this stop me. I am so back on it and writing my little fingers off.  I love hunting down stationary (not an easy task!  I am actually having to make some). I have been selecting friends that I need to get in touch with as well as those I do talk to on a regular basis.  I am finding that telling someone how much I appreciate them and how special they have been to me, is very gratifying.  How often we forget to tell those we love, thank you.  This has been a wonderful wya for me to express just that.
Yep. Letter writing.
The Lost Art has found it's way back to me. Good old fashion hand written letters from my heart♥

.

the movie part 2

morning has broken

I know I have been MIA too much... Trust me, I miss writing as well as reading. How sad that I haven't made time for something I am passionate about as well as is therapeutic. Lord knows I need something therapeutic.
So stinking much has happened.
So very much to express.
I don't know how I will ever be able to catch up.  It will be best if I just dive in and catch up with things along the way.

Thursday evening, I made a frantic rush to meet an ambulance at a hospital that I am not familiar with.
While there I met a rather wise nurse, needing to interview myself and Sister. The nurse was trying to gather needed information as she was accessing our Father, who was here because of a rather traumatic,  dramatic, no make that selfish choice of suicide attempt.  I realize she was more than surprised ...she was baffled, as we answered her questions and poured out a mini version of his life and how he arrived here. 
Body language.
I have learned much about body language from working with the Deaf and learning ASL. 
The nurse leaned in closer and closer..eyes widened and jaw dropping.  At one point, she said, this is a movie! It's truly an unbelievable story of your survival. I have heard so much but this...this is just a movie."

Afterwards, Julie said she would like to start collaborating with me to write our story. It isn't a movie.  It's the story of my life.

 I need to write.  It is what it is. Writing keeps me strong. It helps me to know that I am a survivor.  That I am okay.

I wont be able to re-capture the moments that I missed. But I will try to go back and explain some things to help you understand how I got here at this point.

All is good.  I'm okay.  I am one tough cookie.

Today I am 50

Fifty

The big 5-0

Half a century.

that is...

600 months...

2,400 weeks...

18,250 days...

crap.

that's a whole lot of time.

a whole lot of living.

so... today is my birthday.  I have mixed emotions.  

I have been almost looking forward to it.  I feel mature enough to be 50.  So with anticipation, I was ready to start "this" chapter of my life.

My forties had some great moments, wonderful events, and happy memories.

My forties also took a toll on me.  I never expected the depression, anxieties or the let down I experienced.

I have recovered from the "set back" years and ready to move forward.  I have healed and learned to grow from experiences.  I have become not only wiser but stronger and better.

bring it on Baby! Hello 50.

The one thing I absolutely wasn't prepared for was losing my mom right before my big birthday.  This obviously, is the first birthday without Mom.  No call, no birthday card or visit.  

No Mom...

On a sweeter note, my family surprised me greatly with a birthday party last weekend.

I had NO CLUE.  I was so surprised I was scared.  I have never been surprised.  I mean really surprised. I am that person that figures things out way before.  This was truly a first.  Maybe with age I am slipping.

My Babies pulled this off.

With the help of Hubby.

 Blessed with great friends...

great family...

 

great weather...

great cooking ...

and great toasting...

I know that this is the start of a wonderful chapter♥

stronger than you know...

As Thanksgiving arrived I had that nervous feeling.  I knew I could handle the day, and what God had in store.  I had Hubby, and both daughters to spend the day with so, feeling rather ready to face the day and start my cooking frenzy.

Emily & Annie

After much thinking and missing of my parents... I picked up the phone and spoke to them both. Not as easy as it sounds, and no I will not go into it. Let's just say I wanted to tell them I love them and let them know they are in my thoughts & prayers.

I was able to reach my Sis, which always brings me love. I am saddened that we were unable to meet up for Thanksgiving. She & Hubby were going to stop by later but were unable to. Sis was able to update me on some family developments but I stopped her, as I really wasn't ready to discuss too much of these details.. not now. Not today.

As I hung up the phone, I noticed Dakota chomping on something. DAKOTA!!! That's my new Mouth guard! ugh. I already know insurance will not allow me another one, & frankly I don't have another $400 sitting around.  Maybe I can "alter" it, cutting the chewed ends off and still utilize the purpose as the center seems unaffected.

My Husband's Sister, Nora, & her handsome guys joined Hubby, the girls & I for a nice Thanksgiving meal. That was good.  To have their company as well as breaking bread together. I can make a mean Thanksgiving dinner and all was tasty.

Nora & Sergio

Cousins~ Emily Annie Chris & John

As the evening arrived, Emily's boyfriend had to skidadal to his family dinner. The in-laws also headed out.  We visited and grazed with our girls for a while longer.
For the most part... it was pretty good.  We are Blessed.

Right before hitting the sack, I opened my Laptop to check mail.  That's when I saw it. A message from a ghost. A molester. Someone that I grew up believing I was to trust, that in turn, molested me.

The message was short. He had found me through a mutual person on Facebook. He said something about despite what happened, he had a lot of photographs of me and my family that he would like to pass to me.
Now, as much as I love photos, and he was an amateur photographer that took tons of us, I don't want a thing from this person.
He stirred up some painful memories. Thirty-five years later, and the pain is just as fresh when surfaced.

Just when my plate is so full of peas and they are starting to overflow off my plate, I have tripped, and they are flying off. 
I felt so overwhelmed with the problems I had.  I really don't think it's fair to get this thrown on top of the lot.
BUT, apparently, God knows I can handle this.  He knows what He is giving me & He knows that I can handle it.  I just keep telling myself to BELIEVE & to TRUST.  I do realize how fortunate I am, and I am very grateful.  It's just sometimes I feel... well, dang it like, OKAY! I think Ive had enough... please give me a break.  God knows me better than anyone.  He knows that I am Stronger than I know. 
I do believe. I do trust.

Me & the Hubby

Thankfulness and Tears

As Thanksgiving approaches, I reflect on all I am grateful for.
I am Blessed.
I have the most wonderful daughters, whom I am so proud of. A loving Husband that tries to understand and protect me. A Sister that I don't know what I would do without.  My job, has brought me much joy and opened a new culture to me. And many family and friends that have Blessed my life along the way.
But...
It is also a time where I reflect on those things in my life that are not going so well.
I try so hard to remember not to dwell on things that I can not change, but it is difficult.
I find myself in prayer asking that God will provide me the comfort in knowing this is all part of His plan & that I need to trust in Him. However, I  can't seem to be able to accept certain things that have brought such sadness.  I find myself wondering why? Why God, must I endure this and if I must, please help me to accept and move forward.
When you have depression issues, the Holidays can be difficult instead of joyous.  I am trying so hard.
I want to make everything perfect for my loved ones. But I also have this unbearable pain that some of whom I love so dearly can't join us and celebrate all we are Blessed with.
Life is so short...
I just want...
to be happy
to make others happy
and to learn to accept and move on.

Hey There!

Hey There old Friends!  Remember me?  I know, I know. I have been away too long.  But, as you all know, life gets busy & we disappear sometimes from Blog World which is a good thing, except for when our Blog friends don't know where we go & worry.
So fret no more... I'm back!
Whats Up? 
Do you remember when everyone was saying "Whatzzzzzz up?"  wasn't that annoying? Glad that passed.

So... here is one of the main reasons I was ...MIA

Yes... this is my precious ASUS laptop that I am oddly very attached to.  A few weeks ago, as I reached for my fresh cup of coffee (with cream & sugar), my wrist gave out right as I was reaching with it across the laptop, causing me to pour the entire cup into this ole laptop. Seriously. I tried to rescue it, but well, it went into a coma.  Luckily, one of my heroes is related to me and knows a boatload of computer geek stuff as he works for HP.  My dear BIL , Brent, took ASUS to his home hospital where, he performed a miracle.
heavy exhale!
I can not tell you how happy I am to not only have this baby home, but... I didn't lose data! That is huge!  I am a photography whore and have way too many unprotected/un-back up-saved photos.

I am so relieved.

Second, the reason that I have been writing less in the past three months, is I am very happily busy with my job.  This job is such a Blessing.  It is the perfect fit, and I truly can say, I am one of those people that love their jobs & look forward to coming in every day.

And third.... there has been family drama.  Not within Hubby, Daughters, & myself. But outside those safe arms... on both sides of our family, separate craziness is brewing.  I found myself in a place where I knew I couldn't write my true feelings as the censorship "family" police would be up in arms and things would be taken wrong, feelings would surely be hurt (although the pain some have caused me seem to not be an issue for them). I feel so helpless when I can't "fix" things.  It really stinks.  The hurt cuts deep and sometimes you wonder if things can ever mend when it gets this crazy.  I won't go into it right now, maybe never.  There is no healing in writing about some things at this point. We will just have to see what time and prayers bring.

My beautiful youngest Daughter turned 21. I promise to do a post on her with pictures.

Also, today is Veteran's Day & I must post about it as well.

Gonna get some house work done & will return to do another post soon.

Love you all~
It's great to be back♥

the storms

***fotenote~ to my blog friends that only like to read the good, and funny.. you might want to walk away now... this is a little of the ugly***

I have been very hesitate to write some of these feelings and thoughts.  My biggest fear is to hurt or offend someone. Especially someone I love.  But I struggle with... why I started my blog, how I wanted to write about the good, the bad & the ugly. How life throws different things but how we learn to cope and journey forward.  Turning the negative into positive.
I have always tried to be careful what I write. Particularly because of my girls, Emily & Annie. I would never want to embarrass them. They have grown into extraordinary young women, and I could not possibly be more proud of them.
I have gotten negative response on occasion from readers not liking hearing my darker side of life. I have also gotten positive response on how some of the dark helps them as well. So weighing it out.. today, anyway, I will share some thoughts about the not so fun and exciting part of my life that I am dealing with.

I am struggling with my relationship with my parents. I love them so much.  I yearn to have a close relationship. 
For those of you that are fortunate enough to have a Blessed relationship, I am so glad for you! I am overjoyed to know that it does exist and can only pray that my children and their families will feel Blessed to be close to Hubby and I. I try very hard to stay focused on that and perhaps we try harder to make for a calm and peaceful "homelife" so this will be an end result of a "happier family". 

Unfortunately, because of mental illnesses and things that just can not be fixed, neither my husband or myself have that with our parents.  It isn't, "something that happened or something said". It isn't grudges and it isn't resentment. It isn't neglect or even selfishness. 
It is what it is.

As I approach 50, I would love nothing more than to have a close relationship with my parents. I realize that they are only human and can not live forever. I have friends that have lost their parents and miss them so.  Would do anything to hug them again, to have them to love again. Sometimes, I think I am heading there with my parents... I will be talking to them daily, I will be under the impression things are improving and going well.  I will be at that point where I am ready to open up more and embrace them, but then IT happens.

The storm arrives.

Hello manic depressed bi-polar crazy pod person that has invaded my loved one.
The words you say.
The actions you take.
Even after all these years, I am still surprised how they hurt and affect me.
I know you are not my loved one. That person is buried deep within.  That person would never hurt someone so much.

No wine. No magic pill. Nothing to make it go away.

Sometimes, I just have to sit and wait for the storm to take its course and pray the damage isn't too bad.

How dreadful.

Thankfully, I do have so much love and support. My Sis understands what I go through more than anyone can as she too has to live this. I love you Sis and grateful to have you. My Hubby is so supportive and is my rock. Poor Guy just wants to find a way to fix things for me when we know there isn't anything we can do.  Then my daughters... my precious daughters. I promise I will never put you through this. Please know with the right tools, even disorders such as these can be manageable.

I don't need sympathy.  I don't need advice about being positive.
blah blah blah.
I just wanna vent now and then. I will move on.

i promise to post something fluffy soon!

Up In Smoke...

(how many of you thought about Cheech & Chong with that title?)
Last week, was a frustrating week for me. Challenging and frustrating.  What I thought was going to be an easy breezy lazy yet productive week, turned upside down.. once or twice. I will admit, I have been rather scatter-brain lately.
This is what happened when I got side-tracked with Blogger on Tuesday...

I was making garlic bread.
The phone rang, and I found my phone sitting next to this toaster oven.. with my toast on fire. Grabbing a dish towel, I yanked the plug, and pulled open the oven door... Not the best move...flames shot up to the cabinet above. So I grabbed the sprayer hose at the sink and drowned the flames.  (my fire extinguisher is MIA. I have no idea where, to be honest, I think I lost it with the last move. )
We were lucky...

I do know what a fire devastation can do.
A few years ago, July 1997, my Sister's family home burnt to the ground.
They were on vacation, lightening struck, and it burned for several hours before someone saw it.

It was horrible to say the least.  I am just thankful they were not at home.  They lost their sweet cat, and a fish tank.  Their dog was outside, therefore survived.
My Sis and BIL, didn't have cell phones.  The fire was discovered while they were en-route to home.  No one could reach them, and did not want them to drive up to the horror.  So, driving home, as they passed a friends home, they noticed a large sign that told them to stop here before going home. They passed it, as they were tired and just wanted to get home. But something kicked in and made them turn around.  Had they not, they would have been greeted by other friends, taking turns staying at their property, to assure they would not have to face it along.  As they learned the news, they gratefully left the children with one of their friends and the other drove them home... Or to what use to be home.

I watch them rebuild. Not just a home. Not just the contents. But, their lives.
Timelines for them are;  Before the Fire  and After the Fire.
Although it was not me this was happening to, I was able to feel much of it through my Sis.
I watched it transform priorities. Pull them together, build their love and see them (Sis, BIL & niece & nephew) all become closer together.  My niece & nephew are two years apart. You'd think they were twins. The closeness they share. Best friends Siblings. I have never seen them squabble or cruel to each other.
Material things didn't matter so much before, but even less now.
They adapted to living in a Bed & Breakfast, as well as a couple of rentals while they rebuild.
The gathered much strength in this tragedy.

I would never wish this on anyone. Although, how wonderful to see life through new prospective, and truly value the important things as many can accomplish through devastation.

For me, I value things as I have been able to learn through her example.  I saw my little fire, and immediately realize how very fortunate I was.

I hope that the same is true through little things as well as big things, that I have been through, that perhaps others can learn through how I handle them.

something to think about..

life breaths

http://www.timgrayphotography.com/

Sometimes, things are going so splendidly~ You find yourself actually smiling every day. Feeling giddy. Enjoying the little things.  You see the world with a brighter attitude.  You are proud of yourself for the first time in a long time. The way you handle the bumps in the road and the coping skills you have learned.
Life is good...
you are happy.

Then in a blink of an eye, something flips. Just like a light switch.

Maybe it is the weather...
Maybe it is financial...
Maybe it is just too many harsh words from someone you love...
Or maybe, it is all the above.

I look around me, and see so many things to make me happy. So many reasons to rejoice.
but sometimes I can't stop the vortex sucking me in, feeling myself spin, getting that sick feeling in my stomach, my head gets hot, and my heart starts to crumble.

I think about those less fortunate and carry many larger burdens. How impressive it is that they can manage and be so positive.

I try so hard to not carry a self pity for myself.  I remind myself that I must trust God's plan for me and not question it. To have faith that God is in charge and WILL see me through everything always. I can't change what is my destiny and instead embrace and try to better understand what I am to learn through each experience given to me.

My beautiful breeze has left us.  In it's place is horrible hot humid days with a heat index of 111. Yesterday, I feared I would have a heart attack as I cut the grass in this heat.  I know that the lawnmower stopped those three times to force me to catch my breath and to hydrate myself.

I am anxiously waiting to get back to work (not until mid-August), so I can receive my much needed paychecks to contribute to our cost of living. Also my work makes me happy.

I struggle with not being able to "fix" things for those I love.  I want to make things easier, I want to give comfort.  I want to give reassurance.  I keep trying to "turn that chair into a couch".

The Hubby's work is very intense and grueling lately (actually always).He is a tough negotiator and doesn't get contracts completed by being gentle. The tougher the situation the more likely it will trickle home. Which makes life at home hard for me.

There are other problems within those walls that is putting too much pressure within. In respect of my family, I don't write about this, but it doesn't mean it isn't there. Part of my biggest problem is the fact that I know I will never live up to high expectations. Nor be loved as much as I give. It is a harsh, taxing, and destructive walk. Sometimes I feel so ready to give up. But, God keeps me going.  I know He's got my back.

If you are a reader of Faith... I would appreciate some prayers.  If you are not, any positive energy sent my way would be appreciated.  I know I will get through this all, but I feel a definite struggle  with this.

Life is so short...

...49

This stared at me the other night at the concert.  The chair in front of me. Ironically, not only was it the number  of my own chair, but the number my age is...today.

forty-nine

Will I be old next year?  Am I old now?  I guess that depends on who you ask.

I do believe you are as old as you feel and act...to a point. I feel pretty much the same person I was 35 years ago. However... my body doesn't physically feel the same...that's for sure. I have more aches and pains than I ever imagined.  BUT... I am healthier than many.

me @ 2 yrs

Reflecting can be interesting, I seem to dwell on a lot of the past. But, I am getting much better at embracing what the future has to bring. Seeing how I can bloom in my surroundings and grow...even at nearly half a century old.

Today has been grand.

what's up w/ my hair?

I enjoyed my Hubby and a big breakfast.  (had to share my Birthday w/Father's Day.. Not the first, not the last time).

again w/ the hair?

  And I loved getting time with my sweet Daughters.  I was thrilled by an early morning Thunderstorm ( love the rolling rumble, especially when it rattles the house).  

I got this wonderful hand painted wine glass from Annie.

it says, "I Love My Pets", so true

Annie & I enjoyed Starbucks & Antiquing (where I found a fabulous Green Depression Glass Princess Cracker Jar.. at a fair price).

We had a wonderful cook out~ Chicken, Brauts (pork & turkey for Em {Baby~ I'm so sorry you got a pork one by mistake... I promise it won't kill you}, roasted corn on the cob, fresh Green Beans, Rice & Red Beans, saluted mushrooms, and Red Velvet Cake. yummmmmmmmmmmm

Hubby also got the official photograph from meeting President Obama in May from the White House staff.

He looks pretty proud (and easy on the eyes too Hottie Hubby!) You have to know my Hubby... he rarely will smile for the camera... And this is a priceless moment where I see his smile.

President Barrack Obama & Sergio Gonzalez 5/6/2011

Not to shabby! Sergio said he was just lovely to chat with (okay...he did not say lovely...more like very interesting, personable and extremely respectful).

I got about a hundred birthday wishes... Thanks to the social network of Facebook, as well as email and the telly.  I picked out the sewing machine I am getting from the Girls & Hubby.  And look forward to a get together with a Bestie next weekend.

I am sitting outside, enjoying the evening breeze. Got Riley by my side & crazy Izzy playing in the grass.  Hubby is on the phone with business.  Emily is back in Muncie now and Miss Annie is off to watch movies with her girlfriend.  The birds are chirping, and there is this wonderful peaceful feeling.

This Birthday tops them all so far.  Nothing major, but... I am learning it is more about the minors. The peaceful, loving, simple minors.

♥Life is good♥

Thank You To Our Service Men & Women

This is a re-post from a couple years ago.

I just want to say thank you to all the Service men & women

and their wonderful families for sharing them.

Thank you & God Bless.

On Friday a group of us went to lunch on the circle. There were hundreds of service men & women gathered for a parade and celebration. I felt a certain joy in my heart. I wanted to say thank you to each one of them. AJ, whom I work with is enlisted in the Air Force and will head off to basic training soon. I asked him if that was weird. He said, no, I think that is fine. I think we do not thank them enough.

My father, Thomas Meyer, was enlisted in the Navy. He served four years. He left in 1955 before graduating high school. He traveled the world. He met my Mom while stationed in San Antonio, Texas.


My Grandfather, Edward Wright, served our country with the Navy, during World War II. I can't imagine what he went through, or my Grandmother & Mother, worrying about him. Our technology was so different, can you imagine not hearing anything for months? The fear of has he been killed or became a prisoner of war? We were lucky. He came home safe and sound.

My Uncle Dave was in the Navy during the 70's.
My Grand-Grandfather Marquis Peters served World World I.
I know I have countless other relatives that served as well.
Sergio's brother, Homere, served the Marines, during the Vietnam War. Then re listed in the Army and served our country for an additional 21 years. He was a drill Sargent that prepared our military for service.


My daughters have friends today that enlist, and serve our country. Emily's High School sweetheart, Eddie Waltrop, has been a Marine for 4 years. He has volunteered to go overseas and to continue this fight for freedom. I worry about him. I pray for him.

I am very thankful of what these brave service men and women are doing for us and our country. Regardless to your views on the current war issues, because these brave souls enlist, we do not have to have a draft. I don't want anyone fighting for me that doesn't want or believe in it. I feel these Service men & women don't get enough recognition and I think we need to thank them more.

SO, join me in thanking them, praying for them and embracing them.

Skeletons can Leave Big Ole' Scars

Growing up... learning the many skeletons that may linger in your family closets, can give you that ah ha moment. Things can click together and make you "understand". They can give you that sense of figuring out the who what and why of things are the way they are.
They can also leave some scars.

The scariest skeletons are the ones that everyone doesn't want to talk about. The secrets.
They are the ones that can leave some of the deepest scars.
(I have a lot of skeleton scars... ).
I find it interesting how we discover some of the skeletons.

I had a Great Grandmother that I became close to. I would go over every week to visit her with my girls when they were little. She seemed quite comfortable with me and "shared" many stories and pieces of our history that I would never have imagined. Through her, I learned that she, her son, and her granddaughter all "had" to get married.  What? Oh my.. for her that was in the early 1900's, I imagine that was rather scandalous.
Another skeleton... She also "shared" secrets that she thought I might enjoy of how she and her friends would put the children down for bed and sneak down to the corner bar (yes while the children slept alone at home). As long as she got home before her husband, who worked 2nd shift. (Maybe that is why they divorced.)

I once gave my Mom one of those Memory Books to fill out and return to me.
Be careful for what you ask, you may not really want to know the answers. In this book I was told of a skeleton... 
Another Great Grandmother had a sister that was caught by her husband, with her ...lover. This Great Aunt & lover were shot & killed. Again early 1900's.   
Also mentioned in this Book is some of the abuse my Mother & her Mother endured from a Step-father she had for a short time.

Here's a  skeleton ... A cousin teen that can't fit in to the family (his father's idea's anyway), is left at the interstate by his father and told which way Indiana is, if he wants to try to find this side of the family. After hitchhiking over 1,000 miles this 15 year old found his way, but instead of a home with family, is taken to live in a home for runaways. I was grateful he spent weekends with us, but confused why he couldn't live with us...or one of the several aunts & uncles, or two sets of grandparents... 

I have mentioned family suicide attempts in previous postings. Of the ones I know of... an even dozen alone in my family, only one succeeded.  A horrible loss of a wonderful loving person. Truthfully I understand that kind of depression, after-all it seems to run in the family.  Growing up, knowing someone you love and depend on, that has tried to end their life is a confusing thing to understand, especially as a child. Especially when it becomes a skeleton in your closet. Who do you talk to and try to make sense of it all?

There are some evil skeletons of abuse and neglect.
The molesting uncle, a best friend (some best friend...likes to be inappropriate with besties daughters.).
The just turn and look away, forget trying to rescue and prosecute the bastard.

The financial scaring skeletons. Going without and too proud to ask for help...
Witnessing family fights. Verbal anger...
Tearing away at self esteem. Tearing apart values and understanding of what is "normal".

Have you ever witnessed someone you love suffer abuse and go back for more?  Think they are crazy? They probably aren't, they just live what they know. You wonder how someone can love an abuser? How could someone go from one abusive relationship to another? How can they understand it is an unhealthy relationship if they haven't experienced a healthy one?

I often find myself telling others, that are judging someone, without walking in their shoes, we can not possible understand. Things that happen to each of us, are experienced differently. Some of us are tough and can take more than others. While some are fragile and not able to cope with difficult things.

I don't think people fully understand how Skeletons often follow that person, through out their lives. They sometimes fade, but often never completely go away.  If you are lucky you learn how to control and cope. How to use these experiences as just that. Experiences that mold and create who you are... and who you are not.

Sometimes I remind myself that there are reasons for everything and we may not understand why good people, why innocent children, or random people are chosen to endure what they sometimes do, whereas  evil people seem to get through without a scratch. It doesn't make sense, but it isn't my job to question, curse or analysis they whys.

My job.. is to stay focused on what happens to me. How I handle things. How I process things. How I can turn things that may appear a negative into a positive. I have seen too many people I love let the past, and even the present overwhelm and be too much. I have seen it destroy not only their lives but those that love them. A vicious cycle with no end. I want to be the example of how to make things better for others. I want to make others proud. I want to live the life God has chosen for me, with no regrets, no questions to the plan He has for me to walk.

Easter Grinch

Mr Easter Bunny visiting our yard!

I've had a bellyful of these folks saying, oh.. I never Got the whole Easter Bunny & Egg thing. To me it's about Christ.  Well, DUH.. Yeah.. big time about Christ! It is Easter and as a Christian I rejoice in what Christ did for ME.  I love my Lord and want nothing to take away from that or the "reason for the season".  But come on people! Does having some Easter Bunny Fun really take away from the celebration?

Let's get one thing perfectly clear:

I LOVE THE EASTER BUNNY!

Pretty darn clever little fellow made my daughters pretty darn happy over the years.

Easter '65 Me & Julie

Heck, I can recall some difficult childhood memories that were overshadowed by the Easter Bunny magic. It wasn't so much about all I got, it was about the joy in looking for the eggs, finding an Easter basket just for me (that I gladly shared with my parents).

Annie & Emily on an Easter Egg hunt

It's about the fabulous fun getting the opportunity in continuing this little childhood magic for my own daughters and the joy in coloring eggs, hiding them & watching a couple of squealing gigglely daughters, joyfully gather the goodies and share rather well♥
I taught my girls what Easter means. We taught them, "Easter is a spring festival that celebrates the central event of the Christian faith: the resurrection of Christ three days after his death by crucifixion." You can search reasons of the Easter Bunny, Easter Eggs, Easter Baskets, and although you will get similar yet different answers, basically it does not have a lot to do with our Christian faith and the Christian celebration of Easter.
HOWEVER~ neither does Santa Claus and we kind of like him around our neck of the blog too. It's for FUN! There is nothing wrong with a little fun. Come on!

Here comes Peter Cottontail,

hoping down the Bunny trail... 

Hippity Hoppity Easter's on its way.

I don't think it was meant to compete with our faith. I always looked at it as a companion. No harm.

Easter cousins~ Walter, Michelle, Emily, Annie, Miles

The joy I had with my sister growing up with Easter celebrations, and the Easters our Children had growing up celebration together made it all that much more fun and loving. We spent almost every Easter together. Our children had tons of fun together at Granny's famous Easter Egg Hunts. 

Easter w/ the Gonzalez Family

Hubby is getting a bit of the Easter Grinch. Just a bit. He thinks the girls are too old for the Baskets. (Funny, he never complains that HE gets one too!) So...Baby girls (okay they are 20 & 22) are getting minimal baskets this year. Just a few fun things that they need anyway. 

You are NEVER too old for the Easter Bunny!

That's what this fellow at the top of my post told me this morning in our yard♥

Back in the Saddle Again

(I wish I was referring to a real saddle on a horse. That would definitely cheer me!)

Thank you to all of you that commented prayed and sent positive energy. I indeed felt it. Sometimes my depression gives me a little butt kicking and, well, I felt a whopper last week.  I do have wonderful coping methods to utilize and usually they work, just some days are tougher.

I come from your typical dysfunctional family with scary skeletons in the closets. A long history of depression on both sides as well as suicidal tendencies (more unsuccessful than successful). This family background also packs a lot of love and stories of happily ever afters as well as survival skills. 

Anyway, I feel back on track after a loving weekend and some spiritual growth. A Wedding, a Sister get together, a Daughter for dinner, some great Spouse time, chatting with a Bestie, enjoyment of beautiful weather, some work on the Baby Clothes Project, and some deep talking with God, made for a wonderful weekend.

I may not be perfect. I may never feel the self confidence and worth I should. But I am a fighter. I do know that God, my family and friends all love me very much. Once I start learning to accept, respect and love myself, then I can truly be happy. 

A work in progress... 

I have some challenges to get through this week. But with my head up, eyes wide open, I will face them, and do my best. This too will pass and I will have new challenges to come. How I deal with today's will help me prepare for tomorrow's. 

I am adding a couple of coping skills to my daily routine.  I started an Daily Audio Bible app on my phone. Determined to get through the entire Bible within a year. It's been a while, referring to my favorite scriptures is great but time to rediscover some others.  I am also determined to get healthier. Eating habits as well as excercise.  Is it too late at 48 to start running? I have NEVER been a runner, but I have been thinking about it.. Perfect neighborhood for it. If not, then my bicycle is getting the dust off and I'm replacing the rotted tires. Or maybe for the upcoming Mothers Day / birthday I can get one of these groovy vintage style bikes. Either way, I have 14 months before I turn 50 and I WILL get in shape by then, by Golly!

Well, neglected home is begging me to clean. Time to throw some tunes on. Maybe I will go to Brookie's Cookie Jar  I love her playlist, go check it out!

Love to you All♥

Quondam Tuesday

Today I am taking you back to my Great-Grandmother Beulah Rahmann again. Last week I shared a couple of old wedding photos. This week we will go back a little further of some of her history.
She grew up in Lyons Kansas. This is her parents home in which she lived while they were in Lyons. The photo is actually a news clipping from many years later, as the home was for sale but from the folks that live here after the Butlers. My Great Great Grandfather was Tom Butler of the State Builder & Railroad Contractor.

Nice little crib...
Next I am going to share one of Tom's other passions. His "colts".  This photograph is from 1904, from Arlington, Kansas. He would travel his with prized colts to sell, trade and buy new. I love this photo and I hope you can see it as it is so very faded.

Arlington Kansas 1904 Colt Show

His final passion was his daughters. All eight of them.

The Butler Sisters Spring of 1911

My Great Grandmother Beulah, Granny as she was affectionately known to me. Was the oldest of the girls, on the far right. This photo was taken of the Butler Sisters prior to Beulah's wedding (I noticed she wore this dress, for her graduation photo, her Sister photo and her wedding. Must have been her good dress. The  truly amazing thing is, she snipped portions of it and gave to her own daughters. My Grandmother Mellie, gave it to my Mother, but unfortunately, it perished before my Sister & I were grown. I do remember seeing and touching it, and was in awe over the delicate material and the beautiful stitch work). I believe my Granny was also the last survivor of the girls. One died in childhood, one at the hands of her husband. Then one by one they died, mostly of age related complications.  Beulah, after a wonderful long marriage to a man she loved, and buried, lived on to around 102, I believe. I was just out of high school, and although we lived far apart, I was very fortunate to know her, and visit many times. She was an amazing woman with many stories to tell. I wish now I paid more attention. My Sister has much of the history Granny wrote and collected & Julie will organize it.

One final photograph I wan to share.
This on I call "The Men of Frigidaire". Because it is glued into a very old album, I can not see the date, but assume it was around 1910s-1920s. The man on the far right bottom row, was my Uncle Richard, that married Beulah's sister Annie.

He was a top man in the company, and I feel this picture is really cool. Loving the automobiles in the background, and the snazzy sharp dressed men. I love this photo!

Hope you enjoyed Quondam Tuesday at Just Breathe Janis♥