...away in a manger

With the recent death of my Mom, dealing with the Holidays is an emotional ride I can't explain. Thanksgiving was not only difficult, it was a teary blur.  I hear I hosted a wonderful meal but it was like I wasn't there at all. I was a huge fake.  Everyone worried (except my Dad).  My family could not only see but feel my sadness.  It runs deep and different than other those I know that have loss a parent.  Everyone deals with grief differently, but also, I had this dysfunctional relationship baggage that I am trying to sort out. A lot of guilt and misunderstanding to my grief. I am still trying to fix everything through my Dad... which is a whole different post...

Christmas is upon us.

This year even without the dealing the grief, our plans are a bit different.  We are not planning to drag all of the Christmas stuff out.  I am not even planning to put the tree up.  I am only pulling a few things out. Along with my Christmas containers, I have found a couple of bags of my Mom's Christmas decorations that I salvaged when we moved Dad and condensed their belongings. I barely remember putting them in with mine. But I started going through them today.  Among them was this...

It is my Sister Julie & my Childhood Nativity Set.  It has several chipped and broken figurines. The manger is barely standing with it's weakened cardboard frame torn and caved in.  But other than a couple of the original sheep... I believe it is all here.
My Sis and I would spend hours playing with this.  Re-enacting the story of Baby Jesus born in the Manger.  The Three Kings, the Shepperd's coming with their gifts.  As we grew up we would constantly change the setting stage.  I think I preferred them all looking onto Baby Jesus, and my Sis would switch them to look out to us as if it were a play.

I remember getting new Kings and Shepperds.  We would get them at Ben Franklin or Murphy's.  It was exciting looking them over in the store all lined up waiting to join a Nativity set. The price sticker still remains on  this one.

Through the years, through the chaos... somehow this Nativity Set was not destroyed or lost.  It survived.  Much like my Sister Julie, and I.

Today I am 50

Fifty

The big 5-0

Half a century.

that is...

600 months...

2,400 weeks...

18,250 days...

crap.

that's a whole lot of time.

a whole lot of living.

so... today is my birthday.  I have mixed emotions.  

I have been almost looking forward to it.  I feel mature enough to be 50.  So with anticipation, I was ready to start "this" chapter of my life.

My forties had some great moments, wonderful events, and happy memories.

My forties also took a toll on me.  I never expected the depression, anxieties or the let down I experienced.

I have recovered from the "set back" years and ready to move forward.  I have healed and learned to grow from experiences.  I have become not only wiser but stronger and better.

bring it on Baby! Hello 50.

The one thing I absolutely wasn't prepared for was losing my mom right before my big birthday.  This obviously, is the first birthday without Mom.  No call, no birthday card or visit.  

No Mom...

On a sweeter note, my family surprised me greatly with a birthday party last weekend.

I had NO CLUE.  I was so surprised I was scared.  I have never been surprised.  I mean really surprised. I am that person that figures things out way before.  This was truly a first.  Maybe with age I am slipping.

My Babies pulled this off.

With the help of Hubby.

 Blessed with great friends...

great family...

 

great weather...

great cooking ...

and great toasting...

I know that this is the start of a wonderful chapter♥

Welcome To Heaven Barbie

I need to go ahead and write about Mom and her death.
This may be too long and too much information.  Writing is more about me and my coping and processing. So with that, I am just gonna breathe it out of my cluttered head.

Most of you did not know her other than what I portrayed here in Blog World.  I recently went back and read some of it.  I still feel that what I wrote was honest and was loving.  I truly loved my Mom.  I wanted to better understand and realize that when she was crazy, it wasn't really my Mom, but the sickness of manic and depressive behavior.  She was thought to be bi-polar by some diagnose.  She was thought to be a manic depressant. She also was diagnose as a Boarderline Personality Disorder person.  And this fit her to a tee.

I want you to know that even when others felt my "Tough Love" was cruel, and when others felt my boundaries where unnecessary, I did what I knew best to protect myself as well as to help and not enable my Mom.

For most only knew this incredible loving and wonderful woman.  I am so glad of this.  I wanted all to know that side of her & prayed that others would not see the harsh or feel the pain.  Mom was a beautiful person.  She was full of love and very generous.  She was helpful, a rescuer.  She would give a stranger whatever they needed. She was a good Mom, and a good Wife.  I have a lifetime of the best memories a person could ask for.


However, with that being said.  She also had a deep side that was very troubling.  I don't blame her.  I blame her illness. Few knew, what my Sister and I really have been through over the past 50 years.  I am not looking for sympathy or even understanding. I wrote because it helped me.  It was really a way to help myself to understand and to heal.

Looking back, especially now that my mom has died, do I wish I had done things differently? Perhaps... but I can't go backwards only forward.  I forgave my mom a long time ago. When she was manic, I coped best I could.  It is extremely frustrating and heartbreaking to see someone you love self-destruct. Especially when your hand is out and it isn't accepted.  I'm sure I could have done things differently or even better.  But, the bottom line is I can't blame myself or anyone for Mom's problems or her death.  Only God knew the exact day, hour and even minute, my mom would be released of her demons and brought home to Heaven.

The weeks before Mom's death, my sister and I were in consent contact.  We are close and we "understand" much that others can not.  My parents moved just three weeks before she died.  She was on a ... mindset.  She had decided to go headfirst into another quick decision without thinking much ahead or allowing others to give input. It is thought that my Sis and I were not "cooperating" or being supportive.  That wasn't so much the case, rather we wanted my parents to rationalize their decisions and go forward cautiously crossing T's and dotting I's.  My mom decided to have a party, prior to the big move in which my Sister and I were not able to attend.  I had hoped she would wait and have this gathering following the move but, well, Mom does things her way.

There was much concern also as she was tired.  She recently was confined to have COPD and she has been very depressed.  She had decided to move herself from her apartment as well as my father from the Assisted Living where he was, and combine their households to a side by side independent living apartments.  We had a lot of concerns...

Sis started having strange dreams, and I started having an extreme desire to see Mom.  While she usually is very much in contact with us with emails and phone, she stopped the week they moved.  Not a peep, for more than a week.  And we couldn't get through.  Internet not yet connected, her cell was not in service, and Dad did not have voice mail on his line.  We got a hold of Dad on Friday the 11th of May.  I asked if we could stop by for a visit and to see the new place (they had been there two weeks now).  He was thrilled and put Mom on the phone.  She too said yes, I could come and she would like that.  So, the next day, May 12th, I packed my girls & self in the car and met Julie and her husband & daughter as we visited Mom & Dad for a while.  There place was dismayed and still packed.  Mom continued to have not felt up to unpack.  She agreed that maybe she could use some help and made arrangements with Julie while we were there for the following Thursday to come unpack.

Our visit was nice... Mom was so ..quiescent. Not at all talkative and animated as usual. But she was smiling and enjoying her visit wit us and the girls.

On Sunday, we chatted on the phone.  i called to wish her a Happy Mother's Day as I was heading to work.  She was apologetic and grateful.  I reminded her that she had nothing to apologize for and that I loved her always. On Wednesday, I got a thank you card from her for the Mother's Day gift and visit.  On Thursday, she cancelled getting together with Sis, to finish the unpacking.

On Friday, she was dead.

I was vacuuming at around 6:30pm. Annie had some friends stopping by and I was doing a run through on the house.  I saw I missed a call from Mom & Dad while the vacuum was running. The voice mail clicked.  I hit play...
Dad: " Yeah Jan, better call me. Mom just past away. I tried to get her help but she wouldn't do it. So please call."
Me: whatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt?  I played it over on speaker for Hubby to hear, then we tried to call Dad, Mom, Sis... again and again. I left voice mail for Sis to call me back ASAP. I then got a hold of Dad finally.  Yes, mom, died... she passed out while standing in the bathroom.  The paramedics were there now.  So was the police.  Yes, Dad, I am on my way.  then Julie called.  I carefully gave her the dreadful news and we agreed to meet at their apartment asap.

When we got there.  The Police were very kind, as were the paramedics.  We were waiting on the Coroner.  She confirmed...  It appeared, Mom had stood up, got that dizzy feeling we sometimes gets, but because she was on oxygen when she gasped, she got a burst of extra oxygen that slammed into her heart, causing it to go into cardiac arrest.  She most likely died before hitting the floor around 6:00pm.

I asked if I could go in...
She said, No.
I said, "please, I would like to see my mother now."
She said, she did not advise it and preferred me to wait till the funeral director gets her to prepare her, them we can see her.
I said, "well, I really want to see my mom now.. not later.  I understand that my mom may not look good.  I understand that she may have had body fluids leave her body... that I have worked hospice, and I get it. But, I needed to see her now. Right now".
A bit more arguing then, she let me go see my mom.

I touched her hand that peeked out of the cover. It was cold.. I uncovered her sweet face... I stroked her temple. The way I use to as a child. It was something I would do to comfort her when she was overwhelmed or sad.  I would sit with her, sometimes even on her lap, and stroke her temple forehead. pulling the tension away, calming her ever so.  I sat there on the floor, stroking my mom.. I told her it was okay.  I told her she could go home now. I told her not to worry anymore.  That it was okay.  That I would take care of Dad, and it was time for her to go home. I told her I loved her. I felt her peace.  I felt mine.

I am very grateful for those few moments alone with my mom. I needed them.

They took Mom's body. and we were left with Dad.  He didn't want to leave.  He wanted to stay and assured us he was okay.  We agreed, and since it was late, we headed home.

The next few days were fuzzy.  Our main priority was to get Dad in proper care.  He is fairly independent, but because of his many health problems and the fact that Mom did much of everything for him, we needed him in a safer environment. We all agreed (with Dad's Blessings to start the process of moving him closer to me.  That where he was (40 minutes west of me and 70 minutes east of Julie, was not an idea location.  Moving him to the East side made more sense as many of his friends, family can now visit with him.  My Sis plans to move back closer to this area also before too long so it was agreed.  Also, Dad agreed to assisted living as he was familiar with it while he briefly lived in AL while in Greencastle.  He liked the idea of having his own apartment, and still having a dining hall (with great food), nursing on staff, as well as a bunch of other opportunities.  Also, my In Laws live just 3 doors down from Dad at this wonderful place. So it came highly recommended.

We also, had to go through funeral arrangements.  We knew what Mom wanted. She had it laid out in her lock box.  We honored her wishes as well as added some love. Annie made these wonderful book markers.  They were just the ticket... gave everyone a smile as this is the Barb they loved.

Mom had two beautiful services.  First, at her church in Greencastle, a beautiful service, by a loving Pastor. Second, a Celebration of Life, held in Indianapolis.  Here we gathered, shared Barb stories, tears, and laughs.

what was left of the Barbie Bangles

My mom had a lot of Flare.  She loved big earnings, noisy bracelets, and bright fun colors.  I had gathered dozens (maybe a hundred) bracelets and bangles that Mom had worn over the years.  I placed them in a big Fish Bowl with a note asking for all to take one, in remembrance of my mom. This was a huge hit.  I looked around the room, seeing her friends wearing the Barbie Bangles as we started calling them.  It was beautiful.  Over the next week, I got wonderful messages of how much they were loved and appreciated, as well as where they were going wearing them.

There were lovely flowers as well as donations made to Mom's favorite charities... The Putnam County Humane Society and The St Andrews Non Food Pantry where my mom gave much of her time to help those less fortunate than herself.

We had a bunch of picture boards.  Much fun to see the many faces of Barb.. And the many hair styles and colors..lol.  Mom LOVED to jazz it up! She enjoyed coloring her hair, perming her hair, a variety of hair styles as well as wigs.  She was adorable in these many photos.  Prior to the funeral, I had the picture boards at home.  I caught my cat, Mischa, starring at the many pictures... moving across, looking in depth to each one.

I was thrilled to see so much love at Mom's services.  Just seeing a roomful of people that loved her so was wonderful.  At one point, an old friend approached me.  She said some things... some cruel things.  Some blameful things.  It was very unexpected and hurtful. I was very gracious.  I tried to change the tone. But as I saw, it wasn't going to happen, I said, I was sorry she felt this way, HOWEVER, my Father is sitting right here... close-by.  He just lost his wife of 53 years.. I just lost my Mom... we are trying to celebrate her life as positive as we can, and that I do believe it was time for her to leave. I calmly asked her husband to take her out..now.  And I retreated to the restroom, where I broke down in a heap...  Who could be so cruel?  Why was she so mean?  I quickly had friends & Sis surround me, and the love was uplifting.  As things were being said, I suggested (through my tears), that we all mourn differently.  That she said what she felt must be said. That, it is done, and best we could do is to Pray for her, as surely, her words, needed prayer.  Who am I to pass judgement?  She spoke what she felt and knew.  As we reentered the room, composing myself, I must say I was a bit tickled to see a couple of my dad's buddies (Oldies that is) scanning the place, making sure this negative person had left the building.  It was very sweet to see them so protective. I knew my Mom.  She would never want someone to put blame or say such things. I'm just relieved this person ran into me rather than my Sister.

With Mom's funeral services complete, we focused on the task of getting Dad moved as well as taking over Power of Attorney and taking care of his financial and medical needs.  I have been introduced into the world of the Veteran's Hospital, and the medicare system.  Dad gave us quiet a scare...Thankfully, we were at the new Assisted Living facility, visiting and got to see first handedly how prompt and caring they are. Dad went into a diabetic crash, sugar down to a 37 (35 is diabetic coma).  We got to know the local fire department as well as the paramedics.  I was terrified as I thought I was about to lose my Dad just two weeks following Mom.  Within 35 hours he went the opposite way with a high sugar at 408.  We are so grateful to now have him in a place where he can be regulated.  With a dining schedule and medication schedule as is he is flying toward a healthier sugar levels as well as general health.  And he is starting to show some happiness.  He is starting to laugh again.

Cousin Shari with Dad

My precious cousin Shari came to visit us and to help us with dad.  I didn't realize how much we needed her till she actually got here.  She is a blessing.  Dad said she "Sharitized" his place, as she spent much time with him and getting things organized.  (Dad can't tell Shari NO like he does Sis & I).

My role as a daughter has changed.  I am now also a caretaker.  I am a power of attorney.  Dad depends on me and Sis now. I'm now a Motherless daughter. Not an easy role, but one that I must accept.

The road is not over, it has just begun.

I will honor Mom.  I will take good care of Dad.  I will make Mom proud.

whew... this was long, but so therapeutic. thanks for lending your ear. 

Bulldog Magic

Brent, Julie, Grandpa, Grandma, & me

Butler University is up tonight as half of The 2011 NCAA Basketball Tournament. This small private college in the heart of Indianapolis is being talked about across the country. Not only did they surprise and upset many teams and playoff games, these young men representing Butler are wonderful role model students. Nice boys from nice families.

My Sis, Julie, went her Freshman year of college. She participated on their Pom Pom Dance Team, performing at the halftime of Football games. (maybe basketball too, I only remember going to the Football games when I was a Junior in high School watching my Sis).  Back then {1979} they gave her a small scholarship in return of her participation. She was awesome to watch! She was a Bulldog for only one year, leaving the following fall to attend Brigham Young University.

My Bestie, Deb, is also a Bulldog. She went to Butler four years, then to Grad School at Kent College.
My girls both went to Butler~ but just for Cheer Camp. My daughters didn't opt for Butler as it wasn't their top choice for their major choices. (thankfully as it is rather expensive).

The university offers 60 degree programs to 4,400 students through six colleges: business, communication, education, liberal Arts and sciences, pharmacy and health sciences, and fine arts. It comprises a 290-acre campus located seven miles  from downtown Indianapolis.Butler University is such a beautiful campus. It originally sat further in northern Indianapolis, was founded in 1855 and named  North Western Christian University. In 1875, renamed for Ovid Butler, moved to the 25 acre campus in Irvington, Indiana (in Indianapolis). Then moving to a 290 acre former amusement park site, on the city's Northwest side of town. It's final location.

Butler University was founded by members of the Disciples of Christ Church, though it was never controlled by the church. The university charter called for "a non-sectarian institution free from the taint of slavery, offering instruction in every branch of liberal and professional education." The university was the first in Indiana and the third in the U.S. to admit both men and women.

Last year Butler came second to Duke in  the NCAA National Championship.This year we are back to the final game... This year we reallllly want to win.

Brad Stevens

Coach Brad Stevens is phenomenal and has been the head coach since 2007. He is young (34) and is well loved. In his first year coach he led Butler to a 30 win lead, ranking him the third youngest head coach in NCAA Division 1 history to have a 30 win season.  Stevens has become the youngest coach to go to two Final Fours. Stevens is known for a calm, focused coaching style.

Last thing about the Butler Bulldogs I want to leave you with is Blue II, the Mascot.

Need I say more?
Isn't he a handsome DAWG!

GO DAWGS!
Win the Championship!


We will be watching♥

fingerprints...

me & my Sis 1963

"Fingerprints 

do not fade 

from the 

lives we touch."

Antiquing With My Sis

Julie & Janis @ Claddagh Irish Pub

I had a splendid afternoon with my amazing sister, Julie. I called her this morning and very spur of the moment talked her into meeting me at a Antique Mall. I love her so much, she was very much up for it and ready to go.
We met at a big ole antique mall in Plainfield, Indiana. (Gilley's to you Hoosiers that care).

Oh how I love to wander down memory lane...especially with someone that I made so many memories with!

Julie and I enjoyed row after row of fun, old, and weird things.
We laughed, we chatted, it was just lovely.

Julie would find things she wanted, then changed her mind. I think she had 4 or 5 items through out hunt, but ended with just one. A divine red ceramic divide dish with a beautiful painting inside the bowls...yellow flowers I recall. It was a great find! I know she will use this and enjoy.

I found a real special heirloom that I had actually seen on another Bloggers page. I think it was one of my Utah friends and will go back to look. When she posted her find, I feel in love! Never had seen these and knew it was fabulous. My Blogger friend had much more detail. Mine is more simple.

 

Aren't they wonderful?Precious measuring spoons with the sweetest measurements. Can you read them?

A Pinch of Joy                1/4 teaspoon on back

A Dash of Tenderness    1/2 teaspoon on back

A Spoonful of Affection  1 teaspoon on back

A Heap of Love              1 tablespoon on back

I love them! And paid only $6.50 for them! So darn cute! And, yes, I will use them.

After all our searching we were hungry so we went over to Claddagh Irish Pub. Which I have always pronounced Claadack and Julie pronounced Clawdaw. We asked the waitress how to pronounce properly and she told us think of a Pina Colada... It's C'La dagh...Hmm Interesting. Julie was way closer. I like Claadack better & will probably continue to say it wrong. (I have been calling it this for twenty-some years!). I will try though.

Fabulous lunch! I had the Calm Chowder and Corned Beef Cabbage Rolls (oh yummy, yummy in my tummy!) topped with a white Zinfandel. Julie enjoyed the scrumptious Claddagh Catch sandwich and her first Martini ever! I suggested the Dirty Martini which she loved the olives but returned her Martini and settled for a fruity martini that was sweet instead of sour.

I love opportunities like this afternoon. We live an hour away from each other but try to get together more often. There was a time she lived three states west from Indiana, another when she was three states east of Indiana, and I missed her dearly. Once she lived withing a couple of miles when our kids were little and it was a joyful walk over for them to play & us to visit. We even lived side by side in a duplex as twenty-somethings.

I am very Blessed to have this Sister! Thanks Mom & Dad!

Dang! I Love this Girl!

Julie & Jan 1965

Yesterday, my Sis, Julie came for lunch and a much needed go through with many pictures I have inherited.  We enjoyed Roasted Stuffed Tomatoes, Grilled Cheese  (w/ that crushed olive spread I love to make) and a little vino.
I needed to laugh. It has been such a difficult sad couple of weeks. Julie was just the right dose of medicine.

Jan & Julie 1967

I am a picture person. I have always cherished photographs. Even of eras that were sad or troubling. It's like validating what had happened or what we survived. Julie is not so much into hanging onto the past. I admire and wish I too could shut out some of the memories. Everyone has different coping methods. I need to bury some stuff. She helps me do so.

Julie & Jan 1980

Julie also had a little trouble recognizing some faces in the photos. This photo was taken when we were 18 & 20. I was leaving for college on this day, & Julie was soon leaving as well (out of state). We look a little scared. Julie picked this photo up and said, "who is this?" I'm still laughing that she didn't recognize herself!

Jan & Julie 1982

My Sis and I had a lot of "stuff" to endure through life. As everyone does. Some survive, some don't. One thing I am so glad to have had is a sister to look over me and be there through it all. I don't know how I would have been able to survive without her. With the lack of technology we had then, even when we were separate in different cities and states, we still managed to keep in touch. I always had her right there with me. In my heart and head if not by my side.

The best trips have always been with Julie. We have taken a few together but need to do many more. She completely gets me and she accepts and loves me just the way I am.
For that I am truly Blessed and wouldn't trade her for anyone. My parents & God gave me the best sister!

Jan & Julie 1997

Julie & Jan 2009

I love you Jewels♥

The Pleaser

Once upon a time a baby girl was born. She didn't ask to be born, but was grateful. She was born to a Mother & a Father, that were struggling to get by along with their little girl, the Baby's older Sister. The young family struggled, but they were happy. The Big Sister loved her Baby Sister. The parents loved their daughters. But things were tough. Money was tight, the couple were young and inexperienced.

When the Baby girl was almost a year old, her parents were in a horrible accident. They survive but there were consequences. Her father was handicapped, her mother although her injuries were not severe, the emotional scars, and the burdens to follow were heavy.

The girls did not get the same care they once did. The accident changed everything. Their Mother had many new responsibilities to deal with and her time was thinned.

They survived. They made do. They were there for each other when the parents could not be. The little girls figured out the best survival skills they could find and that got them through and made them strong.

The older Sister functioned best by putting things out of her mind. She preoccupied herself with activities, friends, and life. She got thick skinned and learned to let things roll off of her without doing too much damage.

The little sister functioned best by trying to fix everything and everyone. She learned to be a "Pleaser". She tried to make others happy, comfortable and less stressed. This was not the best way to do things, especially for her, but was what she knew. It was how she coped. She always put herself last and served everyone. She learned how to be a good listener. She learned how to make others laugh. She worked hard to make others particularly, her family feel comfort. She constantly put herself in harms way (the thick of the family's dysfunction).

The family continued to have lots of problems. The parents had poor skills of how to make a better life. They would bring joy to the daughters & each other, but their long term thought process never kicked in. A good thing was always followed by a bad thing.

Depression, suicidal tendencies, drinking and blaming always interfered in this family. Growing up was difficult for the girls. Scary.

The older sister learned well that blocking the bad memories out allowed her to flourish, although things sometimes haunted her.

The younger Sister constantly tried to fix people. It carried through with her her whole life. When things went wrong she still blamed herself, as that was what she learned.

When a Pleaser allows to be a target, the arrow always finds the target. She will be blamed and take to heart any of the bad that happens.

The little Girl grow up and found ways not to be overwhelm. But she continued to try to fix and save people, animals and things.

She meet a wonderful Prince that turned her world upside down (in a good way). They had two little girls as well and were on their way to "Happily Ever After".

But the past haunts her. The present haunts her.

The girl's parents continue to have problems. They let their problems get enormous and out of control. They are in their golden years but miserable. They pour that out to the girls who want to help and have tried unsuccessfully.

One day the Girl, now a Woman, became frightened. She knew she couldn't handle it anymore. But rather than fall into the same pattern of her parents, she fought back. She let love ones know she was overwhelmed and needed help. Together with their support she was able to become strong, face her demons and realize none of it was her fault. Even when her Father tried once again to take his life, telling her that if anything happened to him it would be her fault. She got professional help and medical help. She let her daughters, who also are now adults know that it is okay, not to be able to burden the worlds problems. That when the going gets tough, you fight back.

Now, with a little something that helps her stabilize her depression, and a wonderful Therapist that makes her feel "normal", she has become a happy person. She enjoys her husband. She enjoys her daughters. She has learned to set boundaries. And best of all, understands, it's not her fault.

Even at 48, I find myself fearing the overwhelming guilt of not being able to "fix" everything. One of the parents, is again, threatening suicide. Throwing the guilt and Damning life. Amazes me that it still can grasp me and shake me up so. I am doing a really good job of keeping my head high and embracing the good things in life. I speak lovingly to the parents. I realize they haven't a clue what they do to me. I pray even harder. But... I also have made peace with myself. "I can't fix people". It's not my job, nor responsibility...

Chi-O Banquet

Here is my lovely Emily & I at the Chi Omega Banquet. She is looking so pretty...I am looking dumpy.

I love these banquets. It is a wonderful time for me to get to know her sorority sisters and what they are up too.

Very grateful that my girls have joined and have their sororities. They are creating wonderful memories and learning great life experiences.

A Day with My Grown Up Baby

Yesterday I got to spend the afternoon with my lovely Annie. We went to her sorority banquet, The Delta Zeta 2010 Parent Banquet. It was very well organized and I actually learned alot about her sorority, what they have achieved as well as hearing lovely speeches from the Senior sisters. Our lunch was wonderful! And the company even better.

I very much understand and appreciate why Annie choose Delta Zeta as her sorority. She meshes well and she is a perfect fit with these girls.

These girls are amazing.

I do believe that these are Annie's forever friends. I do believe these girlfriends will be there for her always.

They are as lucky as she.

A Carrot, An Egg, and a Cup of Coffee

I got this forward today. Now, I know, you are thinking, "why is she putting a forward in her blog? Don't we have enough of these coming at us in our email?" I too get a boatload of forwards, and I am guilty of sending them too. Only those I really like though. This one came to me at a time when I needed it. One of my sister in laws responded to a email I sent with some whining in it. (It was okay, she loves me, and I knew she would not mind my venting). Shortly afterwards I got this and it truly made sense to me. I have thought about it all day. I want to share it with you, so here you go!

"A Carrot, An Egg, and a Cup of Coffee"

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second, she placed eggs, and in the last, she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asks, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" She asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a break-up, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level.

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the mos t of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

It's easier to build a child than repair an adult.

This is so true - may we all be COFFEE.

Blankie to the Rescue

One evening, when Emily was a tiny baby, she was a bit fussy while I was folding clothes. I knew she was tired, but I couldn't put her down just yet. I tossed my sleep shirt on her as it was warm, soft and she always loved rubbing her face on it when I wore it and held her. She giggled and sighed. Then, she would not let it go...

My favorite Victoria Secret silky sleep shirt had become her Pink Blankie.

Blankie went everywhere with her. She loved her Blankie.

Then one day, her Baby sister Annie, was born. Pretty much the day after Annie came home, I found Emily in my jammie drawer.

ME: "Whatcha doing, Pumpkin?"

EM "Wookin for a BLANKIE!"

ME: "Well Sweetie, what's wrong with your Blankie?"

EM: "No! Not MY BLANKIE! Pooh needs Blankie!"

ME: "Oh but Sweetheart, remember we bought her that pretty Baby Blankie? That is Pooh's".

EM: "No! Pooh wants one like mine.. HERE GO! I find one! He He!"

ME: "Oh, Are you SURE Pooh wants that one?" (as I eye my new VS silky replacement sleep shirt).

EM: "YES!"

I cut the buttons off, Emily tucked Annie into Sleep shirt turned Blankie, AND SO begin the love of Annie's Blankie. Just like her Sissy, but with tiny flowers on it.

Annie took it everywhere. Annie loved her Blankie too.

My Girls kept their blankies forever. As they grew up their Blankies changed jobs. They went on less frequent daily trips but continued to be their with them to comfort at bedtime. The Blankies stowed away inside their pillow cases to sleepovers. A reach inside the pillow, gave assurance and comfort.

I am not positive where Emily's is today. I am sure she knows where it is. Maybe tucked in her dresser drawer, disguised as an old sleep shirt.

Annie's, I can tell you exactly where it is.
On her last night here, she was packed and ready to move off to College. That evening, she feared of a bug in the room. I woke her in the morning, finding her asleep with Blankie covering her face, protecting her from that awful bug! The Blankie still has her scent on it. I have it tucked under my pillow, where I can reach it, and be comforted. The soft feel, reminds me of the comfort they brought the girls and now I am being comforted.
Once again, Blankie to the rescue.

"You Heifer"

My Sister, Julie, and I are very close. We are two years apart. We grew up loving, playing & sharing. We also, like most Sisters had our moments.

When Julie was in 7th, 8th & 9th grades, lets just say she wasn't as crazy about me then as she is today. Grant it, that would mean I was in 5th, 6th, and 7th grades. We were going through puberty and probably not always as lovely as we could have been. Also, it was quite a time of change. Our state had just introduced "BUSING" and Julie's class was the first to get to go across town to the new Middle School with kids from across our city. New experiences and culture differences.

Julie got kindof mean to me (sorry Jules). We had bedrooms in the basement of our home. Julie placed a poster from "The Rolling Stones","Goats Head Soup" album on her door to keep me form going in her room. It worked I was terrified of that poster. I can still see the goats eyes piercing into me! I had to walk by it to go to the bathroom and refused in the middle of the night. That is what a chicken I was. I must have been quite a tattle-tell back then. I know I irritated the crap out of Julie. She got so mad at me. She started singing "Elton John's" "The Bitch is Back" whenever I pissed her off. So I tattled. She was no longer allowed to do that. So she came up with calling me a "Heifer". And she would add "you know what I mean!". My Dad would snicker, Heifer is not a bad word, leave it alone Jan! Even today, I think about it when I see the word Heifer. She was so creative!

A few years later, when I started high school. we became very close. I can't imagine trying to get through high school without her. She drove me everywhere, she got me into her high school club. She was protective and she was my confidante. We had many many fun memories together.


When we went off to school and lived in separate states, we missed each other so much. the worst was when she lived in New York, then South Dakota. I was thrilled when they moved back to Indiana.

Several years ago, Julie ran across a cassette tape that she and a friend put together back in that era. At one point, she got made at me and our little conversation is caught on that tape. She called me apologizing. She felt so bad about being mean to me. I was tickled but seriously, I never felt she was mean. We were sisters, we loved each other and we would get made at each other. That is what sisters did!

I feel so incredible Blessed for the relationship we share. I am very close to Julie. I can't imagine not having her in my life! We no longer live in the same city but try to get together more often. We email, call and I love when we meet up for lunch.

I will always be her loving little Heifer, she will always be my hero Heifer!

Sisters

Last evening, Emily came home from college. Annie stayed home and the girls hung out together. We could here them chatting, laughing, and even a tiny argument. It brought a huge grin on Sergio & myself. We love hearing the girls together. It is magic in the air.

It also brought me memories of my own sister and the closeness we shared. My daughters are 22 months apart. Julie and I are 24 months apart.

Through the years we had highs and lows as did my girls. I did my best to keep them close. They were never forced rather encouraged. I made sure that they had their own time with their own friends, however, they had to always show each other respect. My Mom did the same with Julie and I.


As the years pass. Jealous peeks it's nasty head in every now and then, but also an incredible protective love. Then like magic, the relationship matures and it is an incredible loving friendship plus. I love watching the girls today at eighteen and twenty. I remember when Julie and I were this age. I was at Vincennes University in southern Indiana. Julie was way out at Brigham Young University in Utah! No email, no texting, no cell phones. All we had was snail mail and rare long distance phone calls. Then came marriage and children which brings a whole new dimension to closeness.

In the Fall, Annie will join her sister in Muncie to attend Ball State University. I am overjoyed! They will have each other. They are there for each other. Good sisters, close sisters!

A Moment for Me & Julie

Today, my Sister, Julie, and I attended The Indiana Heart Hospital's 2nd annual "A Moment for Me" event. What a wonderful way to share the morning. It is always a treat to spend time with Julie. I love my big sister, and do not see her near enough. To spend time together and learn about being healthier was a great chance to catch up. We also got some pampering as well.

The program consisted of cardiac screenings, cooking demonstrations, meal time planning, cardiovascular risk factors class, skin care, Zumba classes, Pilates classes, facials, and chair massages. You basicly signed up to take 3-4 of these choices as well as visit vendors and have an incredible heart healthy lunch. We had Mellanie True Hills, Author of "A Woman's Guide to Saving Her Own Life", as Keynote speaker, as well as the Director for the "Healthy Hearts Center" here in Indiana, Cindy Adams,RN PhD. We also had the pleasure of meeting and listening to Coutni Hall, Miss Indiana USA, and Bailee Zimmerman, Miss Indiana Teen USA.

This was my second trip to this event. Last year I went solo, and was tickled to share this with Julie this year. They generously gave us much bang for the buck ($20 per person). We were given a bright canvas goodie bag filled with stuff, including Ms. Hills book. Hopefully Juls and I will make this a yearly event. If you are local and have the opportunity, join us next year. It is really a great day.

Happy Birthday Sis!

My sister is 48 today! I am still 45 (tee hee, for another couple of weeks anyway!). That always made her proud to be three years instead of two for those couple of weeks. Then as we got older, I turned the tables and teased her about being so much older during those two weeks.

Julie is a wonderful sister. She is always there for me. Has always held me up and has always been very supportive. We had to be strong for each other. We endured an interesting childhood and have gained much from it. Always knowing she was there for me got me through more than she will ever know.

We were far from perfect. We had our squabbles and have had some pretty evenly mean sister fights. But sisters do that and then we forgive each other quickly. You got to have the bad moments to appreciate the good. It amazes me how much I see us in my daughters. It is downright weird!

Yeah, it's her birthday. Happy Birthday Jul, I love you!