Welcome To Heaven Barbie

I need to go ahead and write about Mom and her death.
This may be too long and too much information.  Writing is more about me and my coping and processing. So with that, I am just gonna breathe it out of my cluttered head.

Most of you did not know her other than what I portrayed here in Blog World.  I recently went back and read some of it.  I still feel that what I wrote was honest and was loving.  I truly loved my Mom.  I wanted to better understand and realize that when she was crazy, it wasn't really my Mom, but the sickness of manic and depressive behavior.  She was thought to be bi-polar by some diagnose.  She was thought to be a manic depressant. She also was diagnose as a Boarderline Personality Disorder person.  And this fit her to a tee.

I want you to know that even when others felt my "Tough Love" was cruel, and when others felt my boundaries where unnecessary, I did what I knew best to protect myself as well as to help and not enable my Mom.

For most only knew this incredible loving and wonderful woman.  I am so glad of this.  I wanted all to know that side of her & prayed that others would not see the harsh or feel the pain.  Mom was a beautiful person.  She was full of love and very generous.  She was helpful, a rescuer.  She would give a stranger whatever they needed. She was a good Mom, and a good Wife.  I have a lifetime of the best memories a person could ask for.


However, with that being said.  She also had a deep side that was very troubling.  I don't blame her.  I blame her illness. Few knew, what my Sister and I really have been through over the past 50 years.  I am not looking for sympathy or even understanding. I wrote because it helped me.  It was really a way to help myself to understand and to heal.

Looking back, especially now that my mom has died, do I wish I had done things differently? Perhaps... but I can't go backwards only forward.  I forgave my mom a long time ago. When she was manic, I coped best I could.  It is extremely frustrating and heartbreaking to see someone you love self-destruct. Especially when your hand is out and it isn't accepted.  I'm sure I could have done things differently or even better.  But, the bottom line is I can't blame myself or anyone for Mom's problems or her death.  Only God knew the exact day, hour and even minute, my mom would be released of her demons and brought home to Heaven.

The weeks before Mom's death, my sister and I were in consent contact.  We are close and we "understand" much that others can not.  My parents moved just three weeks before she died.  She was on a ... mindset.  She had decided to go headfirst into another quick decision without thinking much ahead or allowing others to give input. It is thought that my Sis and I were not "cooperating" or being supportive.  That wasn't so much the case, rather we wanted my parents to rationalize their decisions and go forward cautiously crossing T's and dotting I's.  My mom decided to have a party, prior to the big move in which my Sister and I were not able to attend.  I had hoped she would wait and have this gathering following the move but, well, Mom does things her way.

There was much concern also as she was tired.  She recently was confined to have COPD and she has been very depressed.  She had decided to move herself from her apartment as well as my father from the Assisted Living where he was, and combine their households to a side by side independent living apartments.  We had a lot of concerns...

Sis started having strange dreams, and I started having an extreme desire to see Mom.  While she usually is very much in contact with us with emails and phone, she stopped the week they moved.  Not a peep, for more than a week.  And we couldn't get through.  Internet not yet connected, her cell was not in service, and Dad did not have voice mail on his line.  We got a hold of Dad on Friday the 11th of May.  I asked if we could stop by for a visit and to see the new place (they had been there two weeks now).  He was thrilled and put Mom on the phone.  She too said yes, I could come and she would like that.  So, the next day, May 12th, I packed my girls & self in the car and met Julie and her husband & daughter as we visited Mom & Dad for a while.  There place was dismayed and still packed.  Mom continued to have not felt up to unpack.  She agreed that maybe she could use some help and made arrangements with Julie while we were there for the following Thursday to come unpack.

Our visit was nice... Mom was so ..quiescent. Not at all talkative and animated as usual. But she was smiling and enjoying her visit wit us and the girls.

On Sunday, we chatted on the phone.  i called to wish her a Happy Mother's Day as I was heading to work.  She was apologetic and grateful.  I reminded her that she had nothing to apologize for and that I loved her always. On Wednesday, I got a thank you card from her for the Mother's Day gift and visit.  On Thursday, she cancelled getting together with Sis, to finish the unpacking.

On Friday, she was dead.

I was vacuuming at around 6:30pm. Annie had some friends stopping by and I was doing a run through on the house.  I saw I missed a call from Mom & Dad while the vacuum was running. The voice mail clicked.  I hit play...
Dad: " Yeah Jan, better call me. Mom just past away. I tried to get her help but she wouldn't do it. So please call."
Me: whatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt?  I played it over on speaker for Hubby to hear, then we tried to call Dad, Mom, Sis... again and again. I left voice mail for Sis to call me back ASAP. I then got a hold of Dad finally.  Yes, mom, died... she passed out while standing in the bathroom.  The paramedics were there now.  So was the police.  Yes, Dad, I am on my way.  then Julie called.  I carefully gave her the dreadful news and we agreed to meet at their apartment asap.

When we got there.  The Police were very kind, as were the paramedics.  We were waiting on the Coroner.  She confirmed...  It appeared, Mom had stood up, got that dizzy feeling we sometimes gets, but because she was on oxygen when she gasped, she got a burst of extra oxygen that slammed into her heart, causing it to go into cardiac arrest.  She most likely died before hitting the floor around 6:00pm.

I asked if I could go in...
She said, No.
I said, "please, I would like to see my mother now."
She said, she did not advise it and preferred me to wait till the funeral director gets her to prepare her, them we can see her.
I said, "well, I really want to see my mom now.. not later.  I understand that my mom may not look good.  I understand that she may have had body fluids leave her body... that I have worked hospice, and I get it. But, I needed to see her now. Right now".
A bit more arguing then, she let me go see my mom.

I touched her hand that peeked out of the cover. It was cold.. I uncovered her sweet face... I stroked her temple. The way I use to as a child. It was something I would do to comfort her when she was overwhelmed or sad.  I would sit with her, sometimes even on her lap, and stroke her temple forehead. pulling the tension away, calming her ever so.  I sat there on the floor, stroking my mom.. I told her it was okay.  I told her she could go home now. I told her not to worry anymore.  That it was okay.  That I would take care of Dad, and it was time for her to go home. I told her I loved her. I felt her peace.  I felt mine.

I am very grateful for those few moments alone with my mom. I needed them.

They took Mom's body. and we were left with Dad.  He didn't want to leave.  He wanted to stay and assured us he was okay.  We agreed, and since it was late, we headed home.

The next few days were fuzzy.  Our main priority was to get Dad in proper care.  He is fairly independent, but because of his many health problems and the fact that Mom did much of everything for him, we needed him in a safer environment. We all agreed (with Dad's Blessings to start the process of moving him closer to me.  That where he was (40 minutes west of me and 70 minutes east of Julie, was not an idea location.  Moving him to the East side made more sense as many of his friends, family can now visit with him.  My Sis plans to move back closer to this area also before too long so it was agreed.  Also, Dad agreed to assisted living as he was familiar with it while he briefly lived in AL while in Greencastle.  He liked the idea of having his own apartment, and still having a dining hall (with great food), nursing on staff, as well as a bunch of other opportunities.  Also, my In Laws live just 3 doors down from Dad at this wonderful place. So it came highly recommended.

We also, had to go through funeral arrangements.  We knew what Mom wanted. She had it laid out in her lock box.  We honored her wishes as well as added some love. Annie made these wonderful book markers.  They were just the ticket... gave everyone a smile as this is the Barb they loved.

Mom had two beautiful services.  First, at her church in Greencastle, a beautiful service, by a loving Pastor. Second, a Celebration of Life, held in Indianapolis.  Here we gathered, shared Barb stories, tears, and laughs.

what was left of the Barbie Bangles

My mom had a lot of Flare.  She loved big earnings, noisy bracelets, and bright fun colors.  I had gathered dozens (maybe a hundred) bracelets and bangles that Mom had worn over the years.  I placed them in a big Fish Bowl with a note asking for all to take one, in remembrance of my mom. This was a huge hit.  I looked around the room, seeing her friends wearing the Barbie Bangles as we started calling them.  It was beautiful.  Over the next week, I got wonderful messages of how much they were loved and appreciated, as well as where they were going wearing them.

There were lovely flowers as well as donations made to Mom's favorite charities... The Putnam County Humane Society and The St Andrews Non Food Pantry where my mom gave much of her time to help those less fortunate than herself.

We had a bunch of picture boards.  Much fun to see the many faces of Barb.. And the many hair styles and colors..lol.  Mom LOVED to jazz it up! She enjoyed coloring her hair, perming her hair, a variety of hair styles as well as wigs.  She was adorable in these many photos.  Prior to the funeral, I had the picture boards at home.  I caught my cat, Mischa, starring at the many pictures... moving across, looking in depth to each one.

I was thrilled to see so much love at Mom's services.  Just seeing a roomful of people that loved her so was wonderful.  At one point, an old friend approached me.  She said some things... some cruel things.  Some blameful things.  It was very unexpected and hurtful. I was very gracious.  I tried to change the tone. But as I saw, it wasn't going to happen, I said, I was sorry she felt this way, HOWEVER, my Father is sitting right here... close-by.  He just lost his wife of 53 years.. I just lost my Mom... we are trying to celebrate her life as positive as we can, and that I do believe it was time for her to leave. I calmly asked her husband to take her out..now.  And I retreated to the restroom, where I broke down in a heap...  Who could be so cruel?  Why was she so mean?  I quickly had friends & Sis surround me, and the love was uplifting.  As things were being said, I suggested (through my tears), that we all mourn differently.  That she said what she felt must be said. That, it is done, and best we could do is to Pray for her, as surely, her words, needed prayer.  Who am I to pass judgement?  She spoke what she felt and knew.  As we reentered the room, composing myself, I must say I was a bit tickled to see a couple of my dad's buddies (Oldies that is) scanning the place, making sure this negative person had left the building.  It was very sweet to see them so protective. I knew my Mom.  She would never want someone to put blame or say such things. I'm just relieved this person ran into me rather than my Sister.

With Mom's funeral services complete, we focused on the task of getting Dad moved as well as taking over Power of Attorney and taking care of his financial and medical needs.  I have been introduced into the world of the Veteran's Hospital, and the medicare system.  Dad gave us quiet a scare...Thankfully, we were at the new Assisted Living facility, visiting and got to see first handedly how prompt and caring they are. Dad went into a diabetic crash, sugar down to a 37 (35 is diabetic coma).  We got to know the local fire department as well as the paramedics.  I was terrified as I thought I was about to lose my Dad just two weeks following Mom.  Within 35 hours he went the opposite way with a high sugar at 408.  We are so grateful to now have him in a place where he can be regulated.  With a dining schedule and medication schedule as is he is flying toward a healthier sugar levels as well as general health.  And he is starting to show some happiness.  He is starting to laugh again.

Cousin Shari with Dad

My precious cousin Shari came to visit us and to help us with dad.  I didn't realize how much we needed her till she actually got here.  She is a blessing.  Dad said she "Sharitized" his place, as she spent much time with him and getting things organized.  (Dad can't tell Shari NO like he does Sis & I).

My role as a daughter has changed.  I am now also a caretaker.  I am a power of attorney.  Dad depends on me and Sis now. I'm now a Motherless daughter. Not an easy role, but one that I must accept.

The road is not over, it has just begun.

I will honor Mom.  I will take good care of Dad.  I will make Mom proud.

whew... this was long, but so therapeutic. thanks for lending your ear. 

A Ticking Clock

I know we usually take this time to reflect back and take a good look at the past year.  It's New Year's Eve... that is what we do. 
These are the highlights & low points of the year...
Here is what I plan to do to improve the coming year, my New Years Resolutions...
Well, forget that.
I typically do my "New Year's Resolutions" on my Birthday in June.  I also prefer to keep it private.
Yes.. I do look back at 2011... the high's and low's, but the past is the past.  Can't change what has happened.  Had some really sad moments and some really glad ones too.

Today, I look forward to the future.  2012. What will we see? What will we do? What changes will we endure that are miniscule only effecting us personally.  And what huge changes that will make modifications for us all?

I have big plans for the coming year.

• I will be starting college classes... something I haven't done since the eighties.

• I will have a daughter graduating from college. And another that will be going abroad.

• I am turning 50... 50 years old... how odd is that in my head? I have plans for this old body to start being treated better so that it will serve me better. I will not take aging lightly. I will embrace it only if we cooperate.

• I plan on having a better financial year.  After the beating and change of the past couple years, we are facing the ole financial struggle and we will not let it get the best of us. We are stronger, we are smarter.

• I am going to have fun.  That's right, damn it, I am going to enjoy this year.  I am going to have belly laughs and turn frowns into smiles.

Life is full of surprises.
No one really knows what will happen.
The clock is ticking...
I need to start enjoying this life that God has chosen for me and stop trying to change the plan.  I do believe that my life was planned before I was even born. So I must trust, and appreciate what it is.  Only then can I truly get it.

Sliver

December 20th 1986

Grow Old along with Me... the Best is yet to Be...

Robert Downing

So, Twenty-five years ago today, Sergio and I made the big commitment. 

25 years... that is half my life! I have been with him longer than without him.  I have legally been a Gonzalez longer than a Meyer.

I have been wanting to share "the story" for quite a while, as to how we "meet".  It is an interesting one that isn't one many could imagine for me.  But, that will have to wait.. (tee hee~ sorry, but to do it justice I need more than a few minutes to tell and today I just do not have the time). I promise with the coming of two weeks off for Christmas break, I will make the time and post it soon.

For today, there is no big celebration.  Hubby is just outside of town in meetings. I am getting ready myself to hustle into work. We barely saw each other this morning and I will be leaving before he arrives. We knew getting married around Christmas may be difficult to "celebrate" as most do for Anniversaries, however we are not like most people. I don't need a party to show our love. Showing our love by gifts and parties isn't our style.  Rather, showing it to those closest to us, in how we have survived the storms, how we stand by each other, and in how we live day by day.

I admit, sometimes when I see friends made a big fuss... I may feel a tug..maybe even some jealousy. But, then again, if I wanted to be fussed over, I would have picked a different man to marry!  My Hubby is not a showy person. I know he loves me, I know he believes in our marriage.  We took it seriously 25 years ago and still hold those vows close to our hearts.

I look around, and see many marriages that have failed.  I think it takes so much to keep a marriage strong.  I may seem lucky, but it has been a lot of hard work.  It hasn't exactly been a bed of roses every day.  There have been moments where Sergio or myself thought about throwing in the towel.  But we didn't.  We worked through the tough times. 

I have been Blessed.  But because of a lot of work, love and prayers.

and by the way... I still get GIDDY when I see my Hubby♥

always something...

"You know Janis, it just goes to show you, it's always something--if it ain't one thing, it's another."

Thank you Roseanne Roseannadanna. You give me a smile remembering this.
Today is definitely one of those days. I am grateful for the memory of Gilda Radner's character. For laughing is so much better than crying.

It seems so often things will be so amazingly awesome, I'm on top of the world, and someone has to go and give me a big push. I haven't been knocked completely down... I am hanging on by roots, determined not to fail.

I am reminding myself that I can't fix things... I can't change things... I can't make others follow the rules ... I can't turn that dang chair into a couch. No matter how hard I try.

I am remembering to pray. Really really really hard.  But I am praying for forgiveness of my angry, remembrance that this pain someone is causing is not deliberate. For this loved one can't control their illness that makes them do what they do. I am praying for strength. For guidance, for understanding.

When someone is ignorant... selfish... incompetent... manic... or downright crazy. You can't feel anger. You must be full of compassion and love.
It's a hard one.
A really really hard one.

But...
It is what it is...

And Dang it, I just can't stick a band-aid on it and move on.

I must be patient, and listen to my heart.

{also...prayers...so send on the prayers my dear friends. I could really use them}.

Valentine Loves

I am still amiss and need to get my grove back.  Writing is good but hard right now. With Valentines Day here I thought about writing a post, but get so frustrated with this Hallmark Holiday, I don't always play into it. However, I read something at Wandering Mind from Pink Dogwood that made me smile. I decided it was worthy to do as well so here goes.

Happy Valentines Day

Here is what I love:

• I love God.   
• I love my Husband, Sergio
• I love my Daughters, Emily & Andrea
• I love the rest of my family..even the crazy ones
• I love my friends {also even the crazy ones}
• I love my Dogs: Riley, Bandit & Dakota
• I love my Cats: Rocky & Mescha...and Emily's Cat, Isabelle
• I love my Country
• I love my President, Barack Obama
• I love my Religion
• I love Texas
• I love Arizona
• I love Fall
• I love Spring
• I love Dark Chocolate
• I love Olives
• I love Bleu Chees
• I love my Therapist, Betsy
• I love Iris' and Peonies
• I love the smell of Autumn
• I love being a Mother
• I love Reading
• I love Writing
• I love being Needed
• I love Old People
• I love Making Others Happy
• I love Coffee
• I love Hot Bubble Baths
• I love Horses
• I love Antiques
• I love my Select Comfort Bed
• I love Music from Beethoven to ZZ Top
• I love Marriage
• I love the Beach
• I love Learning New Things
• I love Opportunity
• I love Freedom
• I love Blogs
• I love Sex
• I love Trees
• I love Stained Glass
• I love Having My Hair Washed & Dried
• I love my Daughter's Smiles
• I love Nancy Noel's Art
• I love Feeling Safe
• I love being told I Love You
• I love the sound of Children's Laughter
• I love Quilts
• I love Keepsakes, Especially Things my Daughters made Me
• I love Loving

  

A Bruised Heart

My heart is heavy and bruised a bit.
I have been hurt by those I love and I am having a hard time processing it.
Things were said, emotions flowed. I am blaming myself, because that is what I do.
I am raw. I have been over-analysing  and reliving the conversations.

The past couple of weeks have been difficult.  I few different situations, involving different loved ones, have collided at the same time. I feel like pieces of my heart have been torn out little by little and I am weak.

Today, I got yet another tongue lashing.
Really? 
You have no ideal. 
My shoes you have not walked. 
My path is not yours. 
Things are not always what they seem.
How dare you assume you can have this discussion with me?
I walked away, but, in tears.  Maybe it is me. Maybe, I am a bit of a fuck up.

I am searching for answers. And for solutions. My Therapist has given me wonderful coping skills that I am applying (which seems to be part of which some loved ones are resisting. They like me better as a doormat). I am grateful I got to see her this week. God is hearing much from me as well.  My prayers & conversations with Him are long winded, and I am trying to listen to what He is telling me I should do. It is only the tenth of January and I have already made it to three churches. Dear friend to vent with is valued and adored. (What would I do without her?). I have a ton to write but feel the censorship thus I think I will put these thoughts in my private Blog.  I am perplexed...


Today, it's just me, the dogs & cats. My daughters went back to the University over the weekend. Hubby is out of town on business. I know it crushed him to hear of today's little encounter. He wants to comfort, he wants to protect. He wishes I went with him on this trip. We needed it, and it is a brief one. But, who'd take care of my spoiled pooches & Puss'? My dogs don't like everyone, they are spoiled and want me to care for them. People are scared of them. People are also afraid of one of the cats. I wouldn't use a kennel, nor can I afford one (I have 6 pets). The girls, dang it, they are back in Muncie... too far to help with my mutts. It's yet another thing that is MY FAULT, imagine that? I should have trained them better so we could have neighbor kids help like we use to with prior pets.

I'm sitting here with my first glass of wine. I'm about to indulge on some Mac N Cheese. I think I am tossing the notion of cleaning my carpets and getting the house spotless aside, and engrossing myself in comfort foods. So, I am not even going to peek at the calorie & fat content that I am going to consume this late afternoon /evening... I will blame the extra pounds on those that have been cruel, although we all know that in reality it is, of course, like everything else, my fault.

The Ugly Truth

The ugly truth is Leslie Gore lied.

Her song "Sunshine Lollipops & Rainbows", implies that when in love everything is more than peachy.  It's
"Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way
When you're in love to stay."

Liar.

I am in love. I have been for close to 25 years to the same man. It's wonderful. But not all the time.
Yeah, sure, I get teased because I do still get giddy when I see him.
But...
He also forgets to tell me how wonderful I am. And sometimes he's not so pretty.

Love is grand. But, I hate the picture some songs paint. I also hate how so many people think it will be just like in the movies or television. Even the sitcoms make it seem easy and fun.  If I ever made a sarcastic comment like Debra on "Raymond" or Carrie on "King of Queens", I'd be divorced and living like Rhett Butler's character Grace from Grace under Fire" (minus the abuse & alcohol situations).

My life has never been "The Brady Bunch"  or "The Cosby Show".  I survived my childhood, happy for the most part and with loving parents. At least it wasn't as dysfunctional as Jeanette Walls, from "The Glass Castle".

I have been very blessed to have a great marriage with an amazing husband.  I love him very much, (although he isn't perfect). I have wonderful daughters that I am so proud of. They live off at college and sometimes time slips and I forget that we aren't perfect mother/daughters too. We are not the Gilmore Girls nor the Kardashians. We are close but sometimes get on each others nerves.

Honestly, I sometimes feel jealous of relationships I see between spouses, mothers & daughters, and family in general. But I realize that there are others that are envious of what I have. Isn't it like that for many?  Never quite satisfied with what you have, always curious about the other side of the fence.

Then you realize what you do have is simply marvelous.

Word Vomit

"Word Vomit: The uncontrollable act of stating valid facts at an often inopportune time in conversation.  Usually in the wrong tone." Lindsey Lohan's character Cady in the 2004 Movie "Mean Girls".
Truly one of the best quotes ever.  I have a case of Word Vomit often.  It's like my mouth says it or my fingers type it before my brain decides to let me know.... WHOAA! Do you really want to say that?  I have done it again.  Said something that I felt needed said, but surely did not think it was hurtful or would offend. 
I was wrong.  I ended up hurting someone that I love very much.
Why do I do this?
Why did I not see the words the way she did? Or why couldn't she see them the way I do?
Choosing words carefully is so important.
My daughter once had a teacher (I may have mentioned this story) that shared this very important lesson.
Words are much like toothpaste and the tube is like our mouth.  Once you squeeze those words out, you can't put it back.
So be careful. Especially with those you love.

Luck of the Draw

"Find a Penny, Pick it Up, All Day Long, You will Have Good Luck!"
I still say this when I find pennies. I crack up my co-workers & friends. I don't really believe it but old habits die hard.


How about Four Leaf Clovers? I have found dozens. My daughter Annie has found hundreds. Our home in New Palestine must have been build on a clover lot as we found them all the time. Did they bring us luck? I wonder.


Rabbits Foot? Ewe...really? How lucky was that for the rabbit? You know this "charm" comes from witchcraft... I won't go there.


Fertility Dolls? Another hmmm. Really? I don't think so. Sounds like more witchcraft to me.


Then there are shrunken heads...Oh My Gosh! Is there anything more disgusting that this? It is believed that these were powerful talismans. Trophies of war for the tribesmen of the Amazon River forest. {More reasons that I.. 1~ have no desire to go to the Amazon River and 2~ ever want to go camping again!}.


Some people are afraid of Black cats bringing bad luck. Yeah... I see that. My Rocky was pretty fierce in his day.

Some people think that luck is heighten by lucky charms and hasten by bad charms. Me? Yes, I believe I too have a few.

I think it is lucky to be a Mom.
I think it is lucky to be in love & to be loved.
I think it is lucky to be happy.
I think it is lucky to be Me!

Forever In Love

The other day as I rushed through a walk on a work break, I saw the sweetest sight.

A couple, well into their 70's. holding hands, laughing as they walked & talked downtown. I could see the love luminate around them. I wondered how long have they been in love?

That is what I hope for Sergio and I.

Years ago, while visiting my Grandparents, I witnessed true love. They were in the middle of a silly argument. I sat there across from them sipping on my coffee, waiting for them to decide who was correct. It was an argument about something unimportant, and Grandpa keep saying, "but Honey, you are wrong...", then in the middle of the argument, my Grandma, noticed something on his face, and tenderly wiped it off, and saying something about you got a little something on you, he asked, "Oh..did you get it?" they switched gears, talked about, what the heck that was and they completely forgot about the argument. They even kissed after she wiped his face.

I said, "that is so what I want for Sergio & I". They looked confused, I said you forgot about who was right or wrong and switched to caring for each other so quickly. Your love for each other is so sweet. I love you for always showing me it is okay to have little spats but to remember whats important.
We laughed and and discussed marriage, expectations and my Grandpa said how happy he was that Sergio & I found each other. He told me how proud he was of me. How grateful he was that I had a man that loved me so much, and he truly felt that I already had "it" with Sergio.

This was one of my final conversations before his death. It makes me so happy to have this memory.

To have a marriage that is give and take, 100% on both sides, and to truly be full of love is a Blessing that I hold very dear.

"Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be"... robert browning

Blankie to the Rescue

One evening, when Emily was a tiny baby, she was a bit fussy while I was folding clothes. I knew she was tired, but I couldn't put her down just yet. I tossed my sleep shirt on her as it was warm, soft and she always loved rubbing her face on it when I wore it and held her. She giggled and sighed. Then, she would not let it go...

My favorite Victoria Secret silky sleep shirt had become her Pink Blankie.

Blankie went everywhere with her. She loved her Blankie.

Then one day, her Baby sister Annie, was born. Pretty much the day after Annie came home, I found Emily in my jammie drawer.

ME: "Whatcha doing, Pumpkin?"

EM "Wookin for a BLANKIE!"

ME: "Well Sweetie, what's wrong with your Blankie?"

EM: "No! Not MY BLANKIE! Pooh needs Blankie!"

ME: "Oh but Sweetheart, remember we bought her that pretty Baby Blankie? That is Pooh's".

EM: "No! Pooh wants one like mine.. HERE GO! I find one! He He!"

ME: "Oh, Are you SURE Pooh wants that one?" (as I eye my new VS silky replacement sleep shirt).

EM: "YES!"

I cut the buttons off, Emily tucked Annie into Sleep shirt turned Blankie, AND SO begin the love of Annie's Blankie. Just like her Sissy, but with tiny flowers on it.

Annie took it everywhere. Annie loved her Blankie too.

My Girls kept their blankies forever. As they grew up their Blankies changed jobs. They went on less frequent daily trips but continued to be their with them to comfort at bedtime. The Blankies stowed away inside their pillow cases to sleepovers. A reach inside the pillow, gave assurance and comfort.

I am not positive where Emily's is today. I am sure she knows where it is. Maybe tucked in her dresser drawer, disguised as an old sleep shirt.

Annie's, I can tell you exactly where it is.
On her last night here, she was packed and ready to move off to College. That evening, she feared of a bug in the room. I woke her in the morning, finding her asleep with Blankie covering her face, protecting her from that awful bug! The Blankie still has her scent on it. I have it tucked under my pillow, where I can reach it, and be comforted. The soft feel, reminds me of the comfort they brought the girls and now I am being comforted.
Once again, Blankie to the rescue.

Art Love Treasures

This is an awkward shot of my kitchen wall. (Sorry about the glare, this is the best I could get.) In this photo you can see a ceramic cross, a plaque that says, "You are the Best Mother in the Universe!"
a drawing Emily did of our family when she was 4 years old. And a Eric Carle, project Annie made for Fathers Day when she was 5 years old. Emily's original Artwork has been replaced by this piece as the first one faded (watercolors). Annie's Artwork has always been in this frame.


My girls are now 20 and 18.




I also have several art pieces such as clay objects, baby food jar art and such, gathered around the house.
At Christmas, alot come out and are proudly displayed on the tree or around the home.


These are my favorite kinds of artwork. Stuff made from the heart. Full of love. They bring me incredible joy.

I also am big on home-made cards.

My home screams, I love my kids. From the photos, to the Art Treasures. My home feels and speaks of Love.

I feel pretty Blessed.

Capivating Fear

As I sat in the dentist chair, I shivered. Tightly gripping my cell phone in one hand, and Annie's ipod in the other. I completely trust my Dentist and her staff. However, I have had a few mishaps in the dentist chair before and the thought of them sawing and drilling the broken crown out of my mouth put a fear into me. Apparently I had a faulty crown with a hairline crack. It happens. No charge to me, other than the anxiety attack , discomfort and time spend replacing it.

For the next two and a half hours, I cranked up the music, shut my eyes and opened my mouth. Xanax was my friend as it took the edge off. Uncomfortable, scared, but no pain. I have a temporary and get the real McCoy June 18th.

Than is one form of my fears.

I also have fears that I can not control such as finances, job security and economy.

I have the parental fear that my daughters will not need me anymore, or worse, they WILL need me in ways never imagined.

I have fears that involve medical situations.

I have the fear of the unknown. The things to come or not to come.

How will I get through? What is to come? Will I survive as usual? Or will I crash?

Life doesn't come with a manual or instructions.

I dig in, do my best, pray, hope and dream.

I have my posse. Family, Besties, even ordinary people that have a genuine care for me.

With so much on my plate for the next few weeks, I am going to have to hold back another anxiety attack that is biting my ankles. I just don't have the time or patience. So, pray for me, think of me and watch my back...please.

The Birthday Boy

This handsome little boy turned 51 today.
He grew up to become my handsome husband, Sergio.

He is already off to work, heading to Louisville, Kentucky, today. He will return this evening and I will attempt to prepare a wonderful meal. He gave no suggestions for the birthday dinner so I am on my own to decided. After 22 years of marriage I have learned what he likes, but I don't know what he is going to be in the mood for tonight. I am hoping his meeting will go well, and keep him in an upbeat mood.

Sergio has much to be proud of. He is very successful in the Union business and very respected. He has been blessed to have many friends over the years. He is still best of friends from the guys he grew up with. From the "neighborhood", as well as friends from high school. Then, of course, over the years he has picked up many friends. He has a charming charisma. Most people like him immediately.

Sergio is also blessed to have two beautiful daughters that think the world of him and of course, his adoring wife, Me! I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He is my rock, my center, he keeps me strong and his love keeps me going. I still get giddy when I see him and think he is sexier today than when we married. I love him more and more each day, I look forward to growing old with him. And I thank God every day for him.

So, to my dear Husband, Sergio, Happy 51st! I love you forever!

Secret # 13 on Successful Marriages

Back in October, I posted "Secrets to A Successful Marriage". Time to add to the list, therefore here is Secret # 13!

What may look like a jar of marbles to you is much more to another.

Here is how the story goes:
Once there was a young couple that was in love. The woman saw her husband slip a penny into a box under the bed. This was shortly after they had made love. She asked what was up with the pennies. He smiled and said he had been sticking pennies in the box since they first made love. That he had heard that if you save a penny for each time you make love the first year, it will take a lifetime to empty the box removing (taking one each time) them following that first year. He wanted to prove the theory wrong.

Of course she adored it! But she also wanted to change it up a bit for their own tradition. They traded the pennies for marbles and keep them in a glass jar (They look prettier). Instead of removing marbles, they just keep adding them!
Isn't that sweet!
Little things like this I believe keep magic in a marriage.

Life Quotes

This was written by Robert Browning.

I have this in our room. Actually, it is in the master bathroom above the sink mirror where Sergio & I can see it every morning when we wake up, and every evening before going to bed.

Don't you love what this says? I think about it often. I look forward to growing old together with Sergio.

God has Blessed me.

Twenty-two years and growing strong.

Happy Anniversary to Sergio & I

22 Years! We have been married for 22 years today. Highs and lows, ups and downs, it has been a wonderful adventure.

How did I get so Blessed to have this incredible man?

It is interesting how two people meet and fall in love. For Sergio & I our paths almost crossed many times prior, but for some reason, we didn't actually met till the timing was right. His sister was one of my best friends in High School. My sister was friends with Sergio. We are four years apart. Had we met sooner, we probably would not have ended up together. When we did meet, neither of us were "looking" for a serious relationship. Our friendship grew into more, and we saw each other through genuine eyes, never were either of us trying to impress.
Sergio & I had our first date June 9th, 1985. He proposed a year later.

We chose a Christmas wedding, out of practicality. Both our employments had shut downs for two weeks over the holidays, so that worked for us. Also, we had plans to return to snow skiing for a week following Christmas so.. instant honeymoon. We actually took the trip with our dear friends, so Brian & Mary went on our honeymoon with us!

Our marriage has been Blessed. Many times over. We have two amazing daughters. We have had great jobs, beautiful homes, security, as well as many other blessings.
I can truly say, that I love Sergio more today, than that evening I walked down the aisle. I didn't think that would be possible, but it is. I still get butterflies when I see him. I still think he is the sexiest man in the room. I still get giddy thinking about him. I know I am lucky. I know he is too.

Marriage isn't easy. It takes alot of work. It also takes alot of prayers and help from God. We are very fortunate that we found each other. I could not have had this with another man. There was a time or two, when I thought I had the right person, but thankfully, I found out before marriage. It would have been difficult to have found out later. I would have tried to salvage a marriage not worth saving. I have witnessed many friends have difficult marriages, and do more than they should have to make things work. Some have been strong and smart enough to know when it was time to move on. Some have not. I can not imagine being in a loveless marriage.

For me, I look forward to spending the rest of my life with my husband. I can not wait to see what the future has in store for us.

LOVE

This is the famous LOVE sculpture created in 1970 by Robert Indiana (formally Robt Clark). It is made of Cor-ten Steel and sits on the grounds at The Indiana Museum of Art.

This first photo was taken in 1973. That is me in the V, Julie is between the V & E. Our friends Pammy & Elaine or in the E. I cherished this photo of us and kept it all these years.

The second photo, I believe was taken in 1999. Annie, Emily and their friend, Melissa, are all in/on the E. This was more difficult to take as you are no longer allowed to climb on it, therefore, we were breaking the law. It was a quick run!

Taking them to Museums was always fun. My Mom always did with Julie & I and I hope that I gave my girls an appreciation to the arts as well.

Thank God we were not caught & arrested as that could have tarnished their love of Art Museums!

Loving A Manic Depressive

Manic Depressive: affected by or relating to a mental disorder with alternating periods of elation and depression.

When you love someone that is a manic depressed person your world gets turned upside down, and inside out. Emotions get raw and nerves exposed. Things can be wonderful one minute and a nightmare the next. You can feel loved and hated at the same time.

I have lived with this my entire life. One of the most important persons in my life suffers from this disorder. It is up and down all the time. You never know what to expect.

I have grown up admiring her, amazed by her and loving her with all my heart.

I have also had moments of pain, sorrow and guilt beyond belief.

She has the gift of being superwoman. She can be giving, sensitive and the kindest of all.

But she can also misinterpreted things resulting in saying things that I am sure she would never if she just thought about the consequence. As well as turning things around and into unnecessary crisis.

She means well. But she flourishes on crisis' and situations that she can "rescue" or control.

Many would think the best way to handle these kind of people is to remove them from your lives. Keep a safe distance. And keep the drama at bay.

Easier said than done. Especially when you love the person.

I know she doesn't mean the hurtful things. I know she doesn't mean to make me feel responsible for her pain. I know that she loves me and would never hurt me on purpose.

I also know that I can not make her well. I can't make her take her medicine. I can not make her calm down and be rational.

I can only love her.

Secrets To A Sucessful Marriage

I have gotten alot of advice on how to have a good marriage. From people who have never been married to people that have had more than 50 years of matrimony. Everyone has an opinion, everyone has advice. I believe there are no secrets just common sense and understanding.

Here are some things to consider:

1. Never Settle. Do not get married to someone that you can not see yourself with forever. Marrying someone because you don't want to be lonely, do not think someone better will come along, or out of convenience is a very bad ideal. Don't Do It!

2. Give 110%. It is not 50/50. That is only putting half of what you have into something. You have to give 100%, preferable more.

3. Be Nice. You must treat your spouse as you would want to be treated. Being mean never solves anything, it breaks things.

4. Be Respectful. The person you chose to marry should have your utmost respect.

5. Be Playful. Don't get into a routine and get boring. Do silly things, romantic things. And don't forget to smile!

6. Compromise. Learn to "enjoy" what your spouse enjoys. Or at least, support it.

7. Compliment each other. Hearing it from your spouse is way better than the stranger.

8. Be Faithful. Trust is everything in a marriage. Once broken, it's very difficult to get it back.

9. Never go to bed mad at each other. Settle things, talk about it, after cooling off. If you shut down, it won't go away.

10. Pray for your marriage. Without God, you don't have a "prayer"!

11. Have sex, ALOT! You gotta use it so you don't lose it. Making love with the one you love will keep you connected. Again, save this only for each other.

12. Say, "I Love You", and mean it. Say it everyday, as often as possible.