RUT RUT RUT...

Don't worry, I promise not to do a poor poor pitiful me posting.
I'm just sick of the blahs and the yuckies and the cranky mood over our city, the bitching on Facebook and on & on & on.
This morning we woke up to this:

Here's a prettier view without Riley's booty in the shot:

The sky is gray, and Mother Nature painted everything white again. As much as I love snow... I am ready for spring. Especially after last weeks tease.

So, I needed a pick me up...a change..a fresh pick me up.

Time to scroll through the many wonderful background websites and pick something Springy and Fresh.  This one is from My Style. My other favorite's are Shabby Blogs ,   Paisley Cat  ,  The Smitten Blog , and of course, we can't forget, The Cutest Blog on the Block.  Sometimes it's fun for us Bloggers to change it up a bit. Find fun new things and share them with each other.

Rumor is that after a bit of rain to melt this snow, we are expecting warmer and summer days.
Thank Goodness!

self worth? what is it worth?

 { self-worth- the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect}


So strange how one can have so much going for themselves and from the outside appear to have it together, when truly inside feel as if they are dying and full of doubt.

Picture perfect.
Nice house. Great husband. Beautiful successful children. Accomplished with work and service.

Inside, dark, sad and full of discontentment.

melancholy.

I can't make these feelings go away.
I certainly can (and do) make it better. I have wonderful coping mechanisms I use, I remember that I can't nor should I feel, I can fix things. Also, I take medication. 

It's the holidays, that make things feel worse. This is a season of joy. Of family and friends. Of celebrating the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. I am full of shame to feel this way at a time of celebration and joy. I am full of doubt, of my self worth.

I'm giddy of the arrival of my college daughters. Of them staying for a few weeks. Of getting to have them with us. Of getting to see the wonderful young women they have become.  But... I am also frightened. I have a habit of having high expectations and getting let down when things go awry.  My husband will be expecting them to be perfect. Or at least see things the way he does... When they don't (and they won't), he will blame me. The girls will then get mad at him, which he will get madder at me, as he thinks, "you girls always gang up on me. it's three to one." Regardless to the content of the subject. He will also tease me, which for the past 25 years he has felt I should not get mad, as he does it "lovingly" and he has forever, so I should be use to it by now. It's usually, nothing or very little & should not bother me, but, for the past 25 years, he KNOWS it bothers me & I wish he'd stop. It's just not funny to me.

Family will gather. And I will stress. Somebody will say something, do something. I will be the peacemaker.

Oh my gosh... when it rains, it pours...
I started this post earlier today. Since starting it, we discovered our car has been broken into, and yes things were stolen. Then the furnace tried to die... but Hubby scared that mean ole furnace into giving some more life into it.

The day has turned to evening.  Things already look brighter.  I hesitate to post this, especially since I am censored more now with readers that I don't want to take things wrong and over react.
But...
Truth be known, this is my life.
I promise myself to be honest.  I keep much to myself, but writing is so therapeutic. I know that I am not the only one that has these feelings.  I know that when I read others, and how they cope, how they made it better, I know I can too.  I hope that others feel that way when reading my blog.

I feel ten times better. Humor has helped. I'm about to indulge in a glass of White Zinfandel. That will help too. (Don't worry, I only have a glass now and then, never abuse and haven't gotten "tipsy" in many years.)

My lovely Therapist told me I must lower my expectations. I must accept things are GOING to happen. When they do, I need to say, "Oh, so that is the "Thing".  And Move On.  Funny.. It works.

I realize life throws us all surprises and disappointments.

Remember I am very grateful for my life, family, and faith. I just really need to work on that self worth thing.

Word World

(Try saying that fast three times!)

Amazing how a little word can change so many things. One fundamental word, can change a spirit, a mood, a life.

I love words.  I never can get enough adjectives .  I love searching for words and learning meanings of new words.

A simple word.

It can make or break you. They do me.

I try hard to use kind words to people every day. Family, Friends, and even Strangers.  It is contagious.  Try it.

That rude waitress or sales clerk, say something nice. Simple smile even. Let the rudeness role off, and you may change that person's manner.  Maybe not, but it is worth the effort.

Or, be cruel. Say one unkind thing, and watch sadness or discomfort arrive. Again, a person's manner will change.

You decide.

I guarantee the first choice will be the right choice.

songs in my heart

Music makes me come alive. I can change a mood, lift my spirits or mellow out in a matter of minutes with a flick of a dial, or click of the Internet.

I found Pandora.com a couple of years ago. I love this station! They are responsible for my growth in expanding outside my comfort zone. I have learned of so many wonderful Artists through Pandora. All I have to do is type in something I like and they do the rest. Matching me to other Artist that I have never heard of, as well as some I have, yet forgotten about. They create stations for me. And allow me to merge favorite stations together for a mix when I want too.

At my office, I am allowed to listen to music while working. The work we do is sometimes monotonous and tedious at times. Having the opportunity to listen while we work tends to get us, at least me, in a better mood and more efficiently and productive.

Most of my co-workers have Ipods, cd players, with earplug cords anchoring us to our music.

I can not get Pandora.com as it is a blocked site. However, I discovered another Internet music sit that I can get access to called jango.com This is good, but I favor Pandora.com. Jango.com isn't as precise about matching similar music to what you chose. I find myself often skipping songs on this station. Whereas, Pandaora.com seems to know what I will like more.

I know that I am happier lately. I seem to be singing and humming alot lately. Songs in my heart, you could say.

What I Feel

Happy. Sad... Loved. Hated... Excited. Frightened... Skilled. Awkward... Calm. Anxious... Baffled. Satisfied.

Emotional.

I am an emotional mess. I never know what will strike me.

Will I be in a good mood? Or will I be sad?

Am I going to be a Bitch? Or a Saint?

Whine Whine Whine.

Poor me.

I know that much has to do with Menopause. It also has to do with my depression. Throw in finances, relationships, stress, and stability and you have my life.

What is so crazy is it is such a roller coaster.

I feel that it is up to me to make the best of each situation. To take what I get and make it good. Turn my frown into a smile.

My motto has always been, "You get what you get, so, don't throw a fit". It is up to you to make what you want out of every situation and opportunity.

I don't always suceed. Sometimes I am in the company of people that are so negative it is difficult to see past. That is when I work harder and hope that I will turn more than one frown upside down.

I am Blessed to have my religion, family and friends. Without them it would all be pointless. It is because of them I "pick myself up, brush myself off, and start all over again", when it gets tough.

Say What? Are You Serious!

THIS came in the mail for me today:
What the heck? I opened it. To this:
Are they freakin' kidding me? Seriously?
Oh, I am sorry if you are "OLD" like me apparently, you may not be able to read this. Let me interpret it.
HEY OLD LADY! WE FOUND YOU. AND WE KNOW THERE IS NOTHING NICER TO CALL YOU ON BEING OLD AND GOING THROUGH "THE CHANGE" SO COME ON AND JOIN US TO EXPLAIN, YOU ARE GETTING OLD!!!! OH YEAH, THE FIRST ONE IS FREE! WE WILL ONLY FIND HIDDEN FEES AND CHARGE YOU FOR ADDITIONAL CLASSES THAT WE INTRIGUE YOU WITH AND CON YOU INTO FEELING BETTER ABOUT GETTING OLD!!!"
"Old" or "Pre-Old" woman, at least this woman, doesn't like to be reminded of this crap. Certainly do not want to sign up for a freakin' seminar.

Show me some sensitivity!

A few years ago, one of my Besties, decided we all needed to prepare for Menopause. She found some helpful books, bought a set for herself and send us each a set. I threw them in a closet. Mind you I am the oldest of the Besties. If I don't feel old, how can they? Why rush it? Well, a couple of years later, I did pull the books out and found them very helpful. At least in understanding the whole pre-menopause stuff. I am still "child-bearing" and not completely menopausal. I really don't need seminars and such to prepare me. Quite capable of pulling my own information off the Internet and from my books.

How do these people get the information that I am "old"? It's not like I am 50 and joined AARP.

Ha Ha! reading my blog, right.

What The Heck?

It is snowing on my Easter Tree! Today is April 6th (I know the picture says 5/4, but it is lying & I can't figure out how to remove the stupid date!) Spring is here. But Mother Nature is confused. I just packed away the coats this past week. It took me a few minutes to find Annie's this morning so she could have one for school.

It poured rain yesterday. This morning we woke to snow flurries. What the heck? Only in Indiana! It's sunny and warm weather one minute, then in a sneeze, it is snowing!

Crappy mood to follow ) :

Starting off to a Good Week

I want to say something about my postings. This Blog is more for me than it is for anyone else.

Sometimes I write about melancholy subjects. I truly don't mean to upset or worry anyone. I am not looking for sympathy and I am not trying to say I got cheated in life.

I love my life.

I truly believe that every experience, regardless to how difficult, helped form me into the person I am. Who I have become.

I don't always understand why I have had to go through a difficult time, but I do know that it made me stronger.

My childhood was a "tad" dysfunctional. Many had it worst, some had it better.
It is what it is. We take what is dished out, and make the best of it. Sometimes we do not realize we are having a good time until it is taken from us.

The decision to start the Blog was to help me feel better. To air some feelings and learn to accept what is.

It has become much more to me recently. I love starting my day with a cup of coffee, and checking the blogs. I start with mine, reading comments, then move on to read my Blogger friends. The connection I have with these "Friends" is genuine. I care about them. I pray for them. I cheer when they are up, I feel sadness when they are pained. I laugh, alot. I have learned that it does not matter if you are from Indianapolis or Australia. We are very much alike. I have favorite reads. Depending on my moods. I certainly would love to meet some of these friends, as I feel I have known them forever. The similarities sometimes are so uncanny. Then sometimes I think... how odd, I would never! Mostly, I just love to peek into other peoples lives and discover how "normal" I am. How good I feel that there are other Jan's in this crazy world. I love getting a comment from you all.

So, please don't fret. I am mostly a happy person.

I look forward to this week. I feel it is going to be a good week. I am going to make it a good week, even if it kills me!

Proof is in the Iris'

I have been anxious. Really anxious. I have good days and bad days. So much going on gets me... bugging. Much is hanging off each other. My physical health will get better once my mental health gets better, my mental health will get better once my financial health gets better, and so on. So, if I get a better job, hence better income, happier mood, hence mental relaxation and de-stressing which will in turn be less taxing on my physical wellness. Make sense?

Sunday, I stepped out in the backyard. I was thinking about how grateful I am that Emily and the girls did not get hurt in the accident. I was thinking about my little truck, and the fact it has stopped working (it's okay, it had 254,000 miles on it, it lived a good life). I thought about how much I don't "love" this house, and how I ponder if it was a mistake. I was thinking about Annie growing up and moving on. I thought about my folks getting old. You know, this & that, whoas me. Okay, I was feeling sorry for myself.

One of the things I know I will miss the most about the last home is my Iris'. I had been planting, breeding and loving them for ten years. I have posted about them before. I had some beauties that I was proud of. When we moved here, I tried to transplant some. I had hope but, no guarantees.

While I walked the back yard, I went over to the area that I had planted the twenty or so, iris plants. Low and behold! What is that I spy? Could that be the green stems poking their little leaves up from the ground?

I am exhilarated!

I felt at that moment seeing these little stems, that if my Iris' could transport into this new soil at this new experience then I can too. That I can survive here as well. I do not have to have what I had to have normalcy. Even when you want the comfort of what you are use too, doesn't mean you can't change, move and grow.

I think seeing this with my Iris' is a sign for me. It opened my eyes. It helped me to look forward and not behind.

Make It Stop!

I have started the New Year full of happy thoughts, ambitions, and strength. However, my brain has decided to not participate today.

I am anxious, jumpy and extremely tearful. I don't understand how one day I am feeling so good, then crash the next.

I had trouble sleeping, then came the nightmares. I woke up wanting to just pull the sheets over my head and stay there all day. I know that doesn't help. I understand that I can't let it pull me in.

I have both girls around today. The last thing I want is for them to worry about Mom. Sergio has been wonderful and I truly do not know what I would do without him.

I am going to crank up my Pandora Internet Radio. Find some cool stuff like Coles Whalen, Chris Botti, Norah Jones,Cat Stevens and Diana Krall. Heck maybe I will even get some Areosmith and Lynryd Skynrd to cheer me up. Better yet I will pull a little of all my favorites together and get into a cleaning binge.

Then if I can get it all done before dark fall, I owe Riley a walk.

Wish me luck. It is another Xanax kind of day!