Really I am Fine

Please remember that my Blog is a wonderful way for me to express myself. All that I am willing to expose. I hold much to myself as I have to keep private some stuff (otherwise I would have to kill you all for knowing too much). That stuff I save for my Therapist (whom I am pretty sure is actually an Angel sent from God).
Anyway, I tried to warn you followers that my Blog has the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
Gotta have some ugly & bad with all that good.
It has come to my attention I worried a few friends with my last posting. puppet strings Let me assure any worriers, that I am fine.  I actually started that post several months ago. It's just been a stressful couple of weeks with a lot of things pulling me in different directions. I started thinking about that unfinished post and was able to finish it. 
My life in general is good. Perfect, no, not hardly. But basically I am learning to love the life I have been given.
In a perfect dream...
my daughters honor me,
my husband adores me,
my family is proud of me,
my job is fulfilling & rewarding,
my house is ultra clean,
I have time for activities I want to do,
etc etc etc... you get the picture.
Hence the word "DREAM".
That "ain't" my life.
My Hubby & daughters do love me...honor & adore are a bit strong.
My family (outside the immediate) I can never make someone feel something that they don't.
My job...what job? still unemployed.
My house..  HA HA, moving on,
Time for activities, I wish, however I am learning to make this more of a priority.
My life is perplexed. And I am learning to appreciate it.
Writing my feelings certainly help me to understand and deal with things. Your comments help me feel "normal", and even loved.  Certainly cared for.
The strings that are pulling me are not winning. These strings are frayed, and I will free myself eventually.

But What About MY DREAMS?

My husband is home from his well deserved vacation. Hiking, camping and just breathing the Arizona air rejuvenated him. He came home home full of dreams and plans for our future. As we reach retirement, my husband is alive with goals and plans.
{The above photo is of the Pinaleno Mountains in Arizona where he visited}

His job is demanding and taxing. He has been beat up a bit with all the GM negotiations as well as the many plants that are folding and dealing with helping all these union members. He also shoulders the weight of "our world", with our own dilemmas, demands and issues. We have Oldies to worry about and college daughters to worry about. If it isn't work, its something on the home front.
I realize many are thinking... who doesn't? We all have stuff to deal with. He doesn't complain much {he is a man so hello? so complaining can't be helped}, he is always taking care of everyone and he has come back to us with certain pride... ideals... dreams...and finally some hope.

He has big dreams and ideals of how to achieve them. He is excited and enthusiastic about these new thoughts and plans. I have listened whole heartedly for the past several days. So pleased to see him happy about our future and wanting the best for us in retirement.

We have been married for 23 years. I took my vows very seriously. I like to believe I am about the most supportive wife there possible can be. I have agreed and abide by his thoughts of what is best for us. He has always made me & the girls most happy and provided very well for us.

The problem I am having will seem selfish. Please know, sometimes to write about these things puts a new prospective on my thoughts and helps me to see and think more clearly. I will continue to do as he sees fit and best. I always have and always will be the "Dutiful Wife". The "Proverbs Wife".
But sometimes I wonder, what about my dreams? What about the things I had hoped to achieve? My dreams? My thoughts and ideals? Are they to be cast aside and sit in this blog for me alone? Does the Hubby forget that maybe, I don't want some of those same plans and that those might not be my dreams? Does he forget when we were young, some of the plans that we dreamed about together? Am I just to be content that he knows best, therefore follow his dreams? Is it too much to wish that he tell me his dreams and ask me what I think? Ask me would I like to consider these things before just assuming?

I gave up on many a dreams long ago. It happens. We grow old and see that some things are just not possible or practical.

• I will never have 4 kids.
• I will not live in Texas.
• I will probably not own horses (I can't give that one up yet).
• I am not going to win/earn/inherit a ton of money so that I can open "Jan's Ark" my Haven for abused, neglected, and orphaned animals. {horse photo is a rescue horse looking for a home}
• I am never going to have that ability to make people happy and light up a room.
• I may never have the confidence I lack.
• I will never learn to stop trying to fix and save people.

I won't give up on hopes, dreams, and wishes. I just think it would be nice to have my opinion, my input, be considered. I also just want to feel like my feelings are more worthy.

The Greener Pastures

You know how the saying goes:

"The Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."

I hope you also realize that it isn't "always" true.

Your neighbor may seem to have it all but you don't know what pains she goes through. Your friend with the perfect marriage? No marriage is perfect, there has to be some lows to appreciate the highs. The co-worker with the fabulous figure? Who knows what is really going on there.

You may always want to be better, stronger, richer, smarter, or safer. But, is it really so bad where you are? What can you do to improve your own? Let others motivate you, but never be envious.

Another saying I admire is:

"Be careful of what you wish for, it just might come true."

Funky Dreams

Why do we dream what we dream? I know there are different theories to what dreams are made of, but does any of it really make sense to you?

I will buy the theory that I dreamed about coming into money because I was thinking about money issues before falling asleep. Same for dreaming about people. I will dream about someone I miss or have just recently seen. I will even buy into theories about heroism dreams when we deep down want to be protective or thought of as special.

BUT...

Sometimes, I really have weird dreams that make no sense at all. Strange funky stuff. Places I wouldn't want to go or situations I never would want to be in. Really odd stuff.

Like the other night I dreamed I helped a friend kill a couple of people. That same night she dreamed I was helping her deal with the birth of a child, in her forties! I am dreaming we are taking lives as she was dreaming of creating lives! What the heck?

I have dreamed about having positions I would never ever do. I also have repeat dreams that keep coming back again and again.

Nightmares vary from extreme to mild.

Sergio has never remembered a dream until recently. Now he is more tired after dreaming than before falling asleep. (Been there too!)

I wish I could figure a way out of having or at least remembering a dream. I think I would have a much more restful sleep that way.