the storms

***fotenote~ to my blog friends that only like to read the good, and funny.. you might want to walk away now... this is a little of the ugly***

I have been very hesitate to write some of these feelings and thoughts.  My biggest fear is to hurt or offend someone. Especially someone I love.  But I struggle with... why I started my blog, how I wanted to write about the good, the bad & the ugly. How life throws different things but how we learn to cope and journey forward.  Turning the negative into positive.
I have always tried to be careful what I write. Particularly because of my girls, Emily & Annie. I would never want to embarrass them. They have grown into extraordinary young women, and I could not possibly be more proud of them.
I have gotten negative response on occasion from readers not liking hearing my darker side of life. I have also gotten positive response on how some of the dark helps them as well. So weighing it out.. today, anyway, I will share some thoughts about the not so fun and exciting part of my life that I am dealing with.

I am struggling with my relationship with my parents. I love them so much.  I yearn to have a close relationship. 
For those of you that are fortunate enough to have a Blessed relationship, I am so glad for you! I am overjoyed to know that it does exist and can only pray that my children and their families will feel Blessed to be close to Hubby and I. I try very hard to stay focused on that and perhaps we try harder to make for a calm and peaceful "homelife" so this will be an end result of a "happier family". 

Unfortunately, because of mental illnesses and things that just can not be fixed, neither my husband or myself have that with our parents.  It isn't, "something that happened or something said". It isn't grudges and it isn't resentment. It isn't neglect or even selfishness. 
It is what it is.

As I approach 50, I would love nothing more than to have a close relationship with my parents. I realize that they are only human and can not live forever. I have friends that have lost their parents and miss them so.  Would do anything to hug them again, to have them to love again. Sometimes, I think I am heading there with my parents... I will be talking to them daily, I will be under the impression things are improving and going well.  I will be at that point where I am ready to open up more and embrace them, but then IT happens.

The storm arrives.

Hello manic depressed bi-polar crazy pod person that has invaded my loved one.
The words you say.
The actions you take.
Even after all these years, I am still surprised how they hurt and affect me.
I know you are not my loved one. That person is buried deep within.  That person would never hurt someone so much.

No wine. No magic pill. Nothing to make it go away.

Sometimes, I just have to sit and wait for the storm to take its course and pray the damage isn't too bad.

How dreadful.

Thankfully, I do have so much love and support. My Sis understands what I go through more than anyone can as she too has to live this. I love you Sis and grateful to have you. My Hubby is so supportive and is my rock. Poor Guy just wants to find a way to fix things for me when we know there isn't anything we can do.  Then my daughters... my precious daughters. I promise I will never put you through this. Please know with the right tools, even disorders such as these can be manageable.

I don't need sympathy.  I don't need advice about being positive.
blah blah blah.
I just wanna vent now and then. I will move on.

i promise to post something fluffy soon!

D-Liver D-Letter D-Sooner D-Better!

For those of you of my generation and before, you know that little saying on my title.  You may have written it on an envelope to be mailed as well. Or maybe you wrote: SWAK (Sealed with a Kiss). OR  Sorry So Sloppy, Longer Letter Later... I guess our own version of the texting versions of shortcuts & codes.

As Monday arrived, I knew I must tackle at least one of my many projects that have been waiting patiently.  I chose to work on Photo Organizing... Yes, yes.  I know I get so caught up in the memories, good & bad.  It is a task that always takes me days as I will get side tracked and I am off doing something else such as today, under-covering some long lost photos that BEGGED to be posted on FaceBook.  So, 2 hours later after scanning, tagging, and writing descriptions, I got my 40-some photos up. 

That wasn't the only treasure I found.
I found a shoebox stuffed with letters. From the Besties, parents, and Grandparents, written  1977-1981. That is part of High School, and my one year at Vincennes University.

big sigh...

Wow.  Talk about some memories. I only opened a few.  They brought tears to my eyes.  Sometimes I forget how things really were. Some things not so important, turn out to be pretty important.  There are so pretty heavy (in a good way) things that were brought to me.  I was truly loved by my friends. And my family.
Looks like I was missed when not around.

Most of you know that I spent my summers living in Texas with my Grandparents, during my teen years.  It turned out to be the best thing that could ever happen to me and I am extremely grateful that I had those wonderful summers.  They were AMAZING.  And what I got from my Grandparents few ever get to experience.  I was truly Blessed.

The letters that I received, saved and found in this box, show some love from those that missed me. As a teen, I was also kept up on the teen drama & gossip.  Some stuff that may not have been written about was in these letters. Remember Young'ens we didn't have cell phones let alone texting & emailing opportunities. 
Rarely did you call long distance... Lord knows we "Thought" that was so expensive! So we would write letters, and wait a week to get one back.  But we wrote back and forth all the time.  Then when we went off to college, we wrote each other back & forth, back & forth.

I have some reading to catch up on tonight.  Hopefully, they will be full of the good stuff and not open up some wounds... I'm hoping anyway.

I really need to start writing letters again.  It is becoming such a lost art.

I think I will sign off for now and write two brave young nephews that are in Boot Camps right now.  That's what I need to do.

The photographs spilled out on the tables, and the letters on the floor, can wait. 

I need to write.

My Delta Zeta Sweetie

Our Annie 3.14.2011

Saturday, Hubby & I joined the Baby for a Parent's Banquet hosted by her sorority, Delta Zeta.
I am happy both my daughters chose to be in sororities. I feel they have enriched their lives and given them not only a wealth of experience but truly, some life long friendships. 
I can not even begin to tell you how proud I am of Annie and her sorority accomplishments.  She currently holds title of Vice President of New Members. While we dined a young woman approached us so her Mother could meet Annie.  How proud was I? Annie has made such an impression and impact that Mom wanted to thank her? Oh yeah... That 's my Baby Girl!

Sergio Me & Annie

Although Hubby will disagree, the luncheon was quite good. 

Molly, Sue, & Mike

We sat with Annie's Roommate Molly, and her parents.

Karen & Dana

Along with Emily's bestie Dana, and Mom Karen.

Always a great group of girls and parents. This is Annie's "BIG" Sister Katie. A great friend. A true lifer.

Katie & Her Mama

The afternoon was grand. I am so glad we got to come this year. I have a wonderful daughter and I am so very proud of her♥

Let Me Explain The Way I See It

~This is sort of a disclaimer.~

I was very private about my Blog for the first couple of years. I started it on June 6th 2007.

Before starting the Blog, my Grandma Kitty use to get snail mail letters from me for many years up to her death. She often told me she loved the way I told my stories. That she always felt right there and on the edge of her seat. I amused her. I made her laugh. She loved that I held nothing back & told it like it was.

After she passed, my Aunt Linda and I started emailing each other. At Grandma Kitty's Funeral, I told Linda that I was so happy for her life, however, my selfish side wondered,who was I going to send my letters to now? They were so helpful and habit forming for me. Linda quickly volunteered to fill that void. We became closer over the years through our emails. She told me she loved the emails. I made her laugh, I held nothing back, I wasn't afraid to tell it like I see it. She told me I needed to write a book.

My Bestie Sheri went to her annual Writer's Conference in New York the spring of 2006. She learned about this new world...Blog World. She was determined to start a Blog. She did. It was Amazing! And I saw how proud and therapeutic it was to her. She kept encouraging me to give it a try.

My Bestie Deb was right there as well, pushing me, encouraging me giving me the strength to give it a whirl.

Once I got comfortable, I started finding others and they started finding me! I was amazed to find people across this big ole world of ours interested in little ole me. I found that others felt and experienced some of the same things I did.

I always tried to be careful in my writing. I wasn't ready for "loved ones" other than the Besties, and Aunt Linda to read. Slowly I gave the website to others. Then people started finding me. Friends from High School, friends from college.

The coolest thing was I was making new friends in this loving Blog World where we listen, we lend a shoulder, we laugh, we relate. We started following each other and getting and giving awards.

I felt good. Really good about finding a niche. Expressing myself. And validation.

If you read my blog, really read it, I think you will find I am just an average person, coping with things the best I can. Finding resolutions, finding joy and sharing fun stuff.

I knew a day would come when some people would find my writings not to their liking. I had a few stalker-ish weirdo's and a few mean people with nothing better to do than say mean things. Mostly I have found love, friendship and respect. To hear someone tell me that what I wrote helped them or gave them joy made things feel good in life to me. I have never had someone that I knew, tell me I offended them. I always seek permission from Sergio & my daughters before writing about them. As well as friends.

My folks were another story. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to share this with them. I want them to be proud. I want them to be wowed. BUT... I don't know what mood I will get with them from day to day. I don't want them to misunderstand my writing. I don't want them to get hurt feelings. I do want them to see how proud I am of what they HAVE achieve, and to see how we get through what we have been dealt.

Recently my Mom has discovered my Blog. She did at the same time we had a disagreement concerning Facebook privacy. I have been anxious to hear what she thought about my Blog. I hoped she would be proud and "get it".

She hadn't been available for my calls. She emailed my sister and asked her to give the info to me. She finally spoke to me when I called, but was distant and careful with the conversation.

Today I got a cute card, and a letter from Mom. My letter stress' "she is sorry that my childhood was so awful. And that we stressed each other out." She said that she is glad that I have found ways to deal with it and wishes me good luck with the book. That now that she has knowledge received from my Blog, she can understand my feelings of discomfort with her and that maybe we can be close like we once were.

Mom didn't understand my writing. She only saw what she wanted to out of it.

Mom, if you are reading this, maybe you need to know this:

If you read my whole Blog, close to six hundred postings, you may have missed the fact that I write about alot of things, not just about my childhood and a "poor me" read.

I have written about:

1. Health issues 5%,
2. Product reviews and recommendations 5%,
3. Honoring people that I admire 10%,
4. Menopause & growing old 15%,
5. Funny things & thoughts 15%,
6. Friendships 25%
7. Family {including my daughters, my marriage, my growing up, Sis & parents, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, & cousins} 25%

I have readers and followers from across the globe. My regular followers that comment~ friends from California to New York. Wisconsin to Texas. Canada, United Kingdom, South Africa, France, India, Germany, Philippines, and an Military Base in Iraq. They like what I write. They can relate. They can get a smile. They come back for more. I have a MapLog so I can monitor where reader's are coming from and where. {yes I see when you are on Mom}.

I have gotten awards. Kindof goofy to some. Overkill to others. To me, I am so honored! Over the past couple of years I have received five awards. "Kreativ Blogger", "Honest Scrap", "Beautiful Blogger", "Sugar Doll", and "Your Imagination Is A Gift". I am so PROUD! I can not say thank you enough to my readers! The comments are so encouraging and enlightening. They make me laugh back and make me feel so lucky to have these "Blog friends". I have followers that are young ( a couple of teens) up to some friends in their golden years.

As for luck on the book, thank you~ I already published it. As A Birthday gift to myself. I posted about it here recently.

I have no problem with my parents reading this Blog. Even if they are not proud nor understand what I am saying with it, maybe they will one day. I have many people encouraging me to keep writing. I wish I was braver to put it all out there, but out of respect to others that may not want things "out there" I carefully choose my topics and curb my tongue when necessary.

Thank you to those of you that love me and my Blog.

The Pleaser

Once upon a time a baby girl was born. She didn't ask to be born, but was grateful. She was born to a Mother & a Father, that were struggling to get by along with their little girl, the Baby's older Sister. The young family struggled, but they were happy. The Big Sister loved her Baby Sister. The parents loved their daughters. But things were tough. Money was tight, the couple were young and inexperienced.

When the Baby girl was almost a year old, her parents were in a horrible accident. They survive but there were consequences. Her father was handicapped, her mother although her injuries were not severe, the emotional scars, and the burdens to follow were heavy.

The girls did not get the same care they once did. The accident changed everything. Their Mother had many new responsibilities to deal with and her time was thinned.

They survived. They made do. They were there for each other when the parents could not be. The little girls figured out the best survival skills they could find and that got them through and made them strong.

The older Sister functioned best by putting things out of her mind. She preoccupied herself with activities, friends, and life. She got thick skinned and learned to let things roll off of her without doing too much damage.

The little sister functioned best by trying to fix everything and everyone. She learned to be a "Pleaser". She tried to make others happy, comfortable and less stressed. This was not the best way to do things, especially for her, but was what she knew. It was how she coped. She always put herself last and served everyone. She learned how to be a good listener. She learned how to make others laugh. She worked hard to make others particularly, her family feel comfort. She constantly put herself in harms way (the thick of the family's dysfunction).

The family continued to have lots of problems. The parents had poor skills of how to make a better life. They would bring joy to the daughters & each other, but their long term thought process never kicked in. A good thing was always followed by a bad thing.

Depression, suicidal tendencies, drinking and blaming always interfered in this family. Growing up was difficult for the girls. Scary.

The older sister learned well that blocking the bad memories out allowed her to flourish, although things sometimes haunted her.

The younger Sister constantly tried to fix people. It carried through with her her whole life. When things went wrong she still blamed herself, as that was what she learned.

When a Pleaser allows to be a target, the arrow always finds the target. She will be blamed and take to heart any of the bad that happens.

The little Girl grow up and found ways not to be overwhelm. But she continued to try to fix and save people, animals and things.

She meet a wonderful Prince that turned her world upside down (in a good way). They had two little girls as well and were on their way to "Happily Ever After".

But the past haunts her. The present haunts her.

The girl's parents continue to have problems. They let their problems get enormous and out of control. They are in their golden years but miserable. They pour that out to the girls who want to help and have tried unsuccessfully.

One day the Girl, now a Woman, became frightened. She knew she couldn't handle it anymore. But rather than fall into the same pattern of her parents, she fought back. She let love ones know she was overwhelmed and needed help. Together with their support she was able to become strong, face her demons and realize none of it was her fault. Even when her Father tried once again to take his life, telling her that if anything happened to him it would be her fault. She got professional help and medical help. She let her daughters, who also are now adults know that it is okay, not to be able to burden the worlds problems. That when the going gets tough, you fight back.

Now, with a little something that helps her stabilize her depression, and a wonderful Therapist that makes her feel "normal", she has become a happy person. She enjoys her husband. She enjoys her daughters. She has learned to set boundaries. And best of all, understands, it's not her fault.

Even at 48, I find myself fearing the overwhelming guilt of not being able to "fix" everything. One of the parents, is again, threatening suicide. Throwing the guilt and Damning life. Amazes me that it still can grasp me and shake me up so. I am doing a really good job of keeping my head high and embracing the good things in life. I speak lovingly to the parents. I realize they haven't a clue what they do to me. I pray even harder. But... I also have made peace with myself. "I can't fix people". It's not my job, nor responsibility...

The End of A Lifetime

Over the past few months I have been consumed by the death of my Uncle and care of my Aunt. I have a dozen Posting to write and a slue of thoughts swimming in my head. I want to express my feelings, yet,I must be respectful and careful on those I tread upon. Many lives have been affected. Many secrets unleashed.

One of the task at hand, settling affairs and handling of the estate.

This is a huge task.

This isn't always handled properly.

I think that most families, particularly families that are not ... close, have many "chiefs" that have their own idea of what is best.

There is also the problem of "no will", or at least, "no will that will see the light of day and hidden from family so that things will be done the way a "chief" wants them done".

I am not saying this was done in my family.... I am just saying it can & does happen in some families.

My head is spinning, my heart is breaking. I have seen a side to people I never knew existed.

So, for the record... if I die, maybe you can witness this, if my will is not found.

How I want my Estate to be handled:

• My spouse, if alive, and has his faculties, makes the choices first. What he says goes. If I really wanted you to have something, he will know, or he will make it happen. If he questions it, move on.
• Second in line, who should have that opportunity to go through my things, and have closure, my daughters. Both of them, together, at the same time. If they do not get along, they need to get over it. At least while getting my affairs together. Their husbands & children need to stay out of it too. Let Emily & Annie make decisions. Without the influence of others.
• Third in line, my Sister. Not my Sister In Laws, not my Brother In Laws. My Sister~ Julie. She has an extremely good head on her shoulders & she is the person that can make the good decisions and get things to move forward.
• My parents would be next. But, if they would outlive me, I am sure they would be very emotional and want to keep my trash. Don't let them. help them to get their closure and get out.
• Nieces, nephews, cousin, In Laws, friend of families, the Fix It Man, everyone else, don't even think about it! The above people will let you know if they have something I wanted you to have, or something they thought you would want. Otherwise, you can have first run at the stuff that will be sold or given away. It is not a free for all. If there is an Estate Sale or such, there is a reason. Money may be needed for care of spouse, or divided up for my daughters.

Estate sales are not only taxing and tiring, they are emotional. It's hard to part with "stuff". It's hard to give something away at a fraction of it's value. Tens of thousands of dollars worth of stuff, evaporating into pennies. Stuff that is dated does not go for top dollar unless it goes into the vintage - antique category. That really cool lamp made with marbles, or the very expensive sleeper-sofa that weighs a ton is junk now. Just because you love it doesn't mean a buyer will.

Feelings will be hurt. And skeletons will come out. It's an end of a lifetime. Do your family a favor and have things prepared.

Now, I must get that will updated! You never know!

Pod People

"Who are you , and what did you do with my parents?"

I don't know these people that claim to be my parents. They are not the same people I use to know. They are not the people I grew up with. These people are different.

Do you remember the movie, "INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS"? This show freaking scared the crap out of me. Now I know why. My parents are replaced by Pod People.

My parents are not the same. They don't make sense. They are not using good judgement. They are not being rational. Where did my considerate parents go? When did rudness become acceptable? Where did their common senses go?

Don't blame old age! I know way too many Oldies! I am no Spring Chicken either! Just because you get old doesn't constitute jumping into quick rash decisions and playing Russian Roulette with your lives.

I miss the old parents. The ones that thought things out (at least a bit better than now anyway.) I want THEM back.

I don't understand. They are so crazy! Gambling with their futures. Not thinking about consequences.

I am so torn and sad. How do you handle a couple of Pod people?

John & Kate plus Eight

I am so addicted to this reality show, John & Kate plus Eight.

Have you ever watched it? It is about a couple (John & Kate) who have a set of girl twins, Maddie & Kara (I believe they are 7 years old now) , and a set of sextuplets, (They are 3 yrs old now). Collin, Aadin, Alexis, Hannah, Joel, & Lea.
It amazes me! I love children. I would have been thrilled to have been blessed with more than my two wonderful daughters. BUT, to have multiple multiples! Oh my gosh, twins would be hard enough, but six babies? That become toddlers?
The show is a half hour window into their lives and how wonderful they flow. I love this family! I want to be friends with Kate. She is hilarious! And a very good Mamma. I sit glued to the show, and enjoy every minute. I love the marathons were they show back to back. This family has total ciaos but they manage to function very normal and they fascinate me. These parents juggle, love, and make it work. They evenly love their children and the kids are charming.
The show is completely entertaining and makes me smile, laugh, and forget my troubles. A real must see.