The Candy Dish

When I was in High School, my best friend lived around the corner. I loved going to her house.  She was an only child, and that itself was fascinating to me. She didn't have to share a room, clothes, stuff... She had privacy, but yet she also always had her parents watching over her. Her parents were wonderful.

Our neighborhood, kind of had this unwritten rule, where all of the parents helped raising us... and discipline us. We were just as scared of them catching us be naughty as our own parents. I feel that I was very blessed in that we did have that kind of a neighborhood. I always felt that every one of the adults looked out for us, contributed to our growth and gave us an extra bit of love. I felt that if I needed something, rather it be a glass of water, or a bit of advice I got it from a number of these dear neighbors.

I guess, in a lot of ways, my parents were the cool parents. They were always the delightful parents.  From being headquarters of the neighborhood water fight, to just a fun place to hang out.  They also allowed kids to smoke at there house (my sister smoked & my parents rather her do it at home than in the streets sneaking..)so that also contributed to some hanging out there. My parents always had food to share with the neighborhood kids.  And always welcomed everyone.  My parents were there to listen and lend a helping hand.

Some of the neighbor kids, had the parents that were never home, and that was often a "fun" place to hand out. Some always had something to teach us.  And some were there to give us their valued opinions and advice.  Some were just there for us, and we felt safe.

When I think back, my best friend, she had the strict parents. Few were allowed to be there when a parent wasn't home (I did earn that trust with them).  Her parents, always had to know who, when, where, and why. It always annoyed my friend.  Especially, because I was chatty and often told too much to the parents. Her Dad was about the kindest and most handsome of the parents. While her Mom, I always thought she was Liz Taylor beauty mixed with just the smartest of all our parents... but also not here to be our friend rather than a parent. In which I later found myself following suit as I raised my daughters. Her Mom... definitely gets the blue ribbon in being a great Mom!

One of my favorite memories about going over to my best friends house, is that they had a candy dish.  Her Mom ALWAYS had a little something in it. ALWAYS. Not once do I remember it being empty. Also... I was always welcomed to have a piece or two.  There was something about that Candy Dish and it always having a little something for sharing that stuck to me.  I carried the memories into my own home and have always had a Candy Dish available for anyone to have a piece of heaven to devour. My girls grew up not necessarily craving candy as it was something always available.

Candy Dishes.  They say WELCOME! ENJOY! & FEEL COMFORT.  I rarely see them anymore.  Except at my house... and my dear best friends Mom's house♥

I hope to carry this tradition as long as I have a home and a Candy Dish to fill.

Toys in the Attic

The past couple days, I have spent some time in the attic.  I am preparing for a Neighborhood Yard Sale, and trying to say goodbye to ...stuff.

My Attic holds a lot of memories. Hubby freaked when he realized how many items that probably should have been parted with, that are still hanging around.

My girls had great toys.
They took wonderful care of their toys.

They had have a lovely American Girl collection.  In total, they have 6 dolls (don't worry, they are not in the attic), a HUGE collection of clothing, accessories, furniture, two complete mini pin collections, three or four of the Mini room collections... and a whole bunch more American Girl paraphernalia.

These containers house Annie's Pony Collection, her 101 Dalmatian collection, both Emily & Annie's Polly Pocket Collections & Pet Shop Collections. 
We have Beanie Babies and many other Stuffed animals & dolls in those big black bags sitting around the attic.

We have given away hundreds of VHS tapes, but I have two big bags full of the "Keepers".

I have donated wonderful children's books...But kept three book bags full of favorites.

I also have normal things up here... Here's some Holiday decorations, and stuff...

...but I admit most of the Attic contains toys.
I have pulled a few things down for the sale, and a few things to go to the trash. (Annie kind of freaked that I still had her head gear from her braces. I agreed not to take a picture per her request. I also agreed to retire it to the trash.) It seems the longer you hold on to things the harder to let go.  Take this advice my young Moms...THROW IT AWAY WHILE YOU CAN! Better yet Garage Sale, and donate! Twenty years later, it is so hard to let it go. And even though I like to believe I will recycle for Grands one day... truth of the matter, my girls didn't love my toys that I hung on to. So I'm not so sure my future Grands will. Especially if I get Boys!

Unveiling old Wounds

Sometimes life throws us a curve. How we deal with it will determine the outcome.

It is interesting to me how someone that has a strong memory of things from long ago, can still be able to bury some memories that are too painful to carry with us. Years can pass thickening the skin, hiding the scars.

However, things can happen, things that can trigger an unpleasant memory or a pain from long ago. When this does happen, it is like an unbelievable blow. Or a deva vu.

A while back, Someone mentioned an old "thing". One of those buried memories that I had to put away a long time ago. When it was reveled, I swear I felt the exact same pain, the feeling in the same spot and the sickening feeling in my gut.

I know people that have the gift of being able to block bad memories completely. Someone close to me once said, "I only have small pieces of my childhood in memories. I am scared of what I have blocked and hope that I don't ever recall them."

Someone else close to me, said something very wise. "I don't live in the past. It is the past. I refuse to dwell on it or allow it to sadden me. I live for today. I look forward to tomorrow."

I wish I could do that. I know that when I dwell or over-analyze, it doesn't add one day. It doesn't soften the pain, but I feel driven to understand things better. To have clarity. It does that for me. Once I truly understand the why or how, I can have closure on things.

Sometimes, I amaze myself at how much I have grown and how much I am now able to prioritize and start being able to "forget about it". Sometimes, "it" really doesn't matter.

"Scars tell where we have been, not who we are".

Collections of who I Am

I am a collector.

I like stuff.

I like things that bring a smile. I like things that reflect parts of me.

I remember my Great Grand Mother, had bright primary dishes when I was young. Many years later I "rediscovered" Fiestaware. It is my dinnerware choice. I can never have enough of the different colors. My table settings are festive and fun. I remember vaguely My Great Grandmother saying she like the variety of bright colors. (I gratefully have a few of her pieces, within my collection). I have China too, but my love goes to the Feistaware.
I love baskets. I am ashamed to say I have more than a few. But, I use every one! They each have a purpose! Especially the ones my cat loves to sleep in! (Rocky is in one now!)
You already know I collect photos... I can't ever seem to have enough of them. I like REAL photographs. Yes, I download and have many only in the computer. But, my true loves sit in albums, photo boxes, picture frames, and those useful Basket.
Books...Books are my friends! How could I not collect them? Yes, I borrow and give away, but some have to be kept. They are re-read, referenced to, loaned out, and a wonderful reminder of stories, facts, and memories.

I have alot of this and that. Fiction and Non.

A bunch of Children's Books in storage that are waiting to be brought back to life with Grandchildren (many years from now!)

You can find books on shelves, tables, counters, in cabinets, and yes, in baskets too. I like to display them along with "stuff".

I have a lot of stuff. Sergio sometimes call it clutter. BUT I see him sometimes looking at an ornament, an art object the girls had made once upon a time. I see him smile at this clutter stuff. And of course photos are tucked within the books & stuff too.
Strange, (nah...make that more interesting) stuff, are my collections like... stuff in jars and vases. I have jars with change, cups, & vases full of pens and colored pencils. I have an interesting jar full of the girls old toys and even ballet slippers. Funny.. I never could part with these items. Part of my desire to hang on to them I think is because I can. I remember when my sister Julie, and her family lost their home to a fire, it was the little things gone that hurt the most. Maybe, in turn, it made me appreciate them more. That and they are just so darn cute!

I have a cylinder vase with 27 beautiful stones. They each represent the young adults that went through my confirmation groups. Each young adult, chose a stone to represent themselves. I cherish these stones. They are a part of me & I hope that I am a part of these kids. Little reminders to pray for each one of these lovely young people. There is also a jar next to the cylinder, of old jewelry. The watch I got at high school graduation, ear rings from Deb's wedding, some of my Mom's & Grandma Kitty's "junk" jewelry, Disney jewelry that the girls wore, my ski pins, Realtor pins, gold chains, and charms. I could never turn the "good stuff" in to GOLD FOR CASH! I like it mixed together in this jar.
I could go on, but this has gotten quite long already. Recently I had a Partylite & Wine party. Several friends stopped by. One work friend, walked around looking at many of my displays and "stuff". she smiled and said, "Janis, I have learned so much about who you are looking around. I can tell God & family are very important to you. I like what I see. I am glad I have gotten to know you more." I said that's good right? She laughed and said, "Oh yeah, that is good!" Thank you M. that and you, made me feel very special.

Do You Remember Me?

With my job, I pull people's information from a huge data base. I usually am pulling birth and death dates as well as current address'.
Every now and then, I run across someone I once knew. It makes me think about them and other "lost" people of my life.
How are they now?
Who are they now?
What are they now?

I do think of people from my past. I remember so many people that touched my life.
Good and bad.
Do they remember me?
Do they wonder what happened to me?
Does anyone care?

I want to reach out through the years as well as the miles.

I wrote a letter to my High School counselor, thanking him for being kind and for caring for me during the four years I knew him. I haven't sent it. Yet.

I want to know if the childhood friend that climbed trees and caught lightening bugs with me, remembers me. She was my first "girlfriend". She meant the world to me at just 5 years old.

Does my first Crush ever wonder about me? How about the boy that got my first kiss? I was his first kiss too. Does he wonder what ever happened to me?

What about the boy that beat me up everyday after school for two years? What became of him? Does he worry a bully will hurt his children? Or the kids that sat by on the bus and watched me get punched? Did they ever become compassionate?

How about those BFF's in Junior High School? The first boy to ask me to skate at a Skating party during "couples only". Oh My Gosh, what about the recipients from Spin The Bottle? Or my girlfriends from the Slumber parties? We shared so many secrets, so many dreams.

The terrible teacher that ridiculed me and told me she hoped I liked McDonalds, because that is all I would ever amount. What would she think of me and how far I have gone? Partly because of her cruelty.

Whatever happen to the high school teacher that saw something in me and gave me encouragement and praise? Is he retired now? What a Blessing he was and how he challenged me to be more.

My high school classmates. Yes, I am blessed to be close to several still. I have my Besties and buddies. But the other friends. The pair of siblings that walked with me every day to and from summer school. My friends from christian youth groups and my friends from Texas summers, do they ever wonder about me?

The crazy kids I worked my first job with. Phone solicitation. Yeah, you can imagine: 15 years old, scared to death, but having the time of my life begging people to buy tickets to a circus that supported burn victims. My boss weighed about 400 pounds and never got out of his chair. Did he ever lose that weight? Is he still living? He was so scary mean.

My college friends. What happened to my roommates? I would love to find them! How and why did we ever lose touch? I cherish the one college buddy that has remained a Lifer Bestie. She is amazing and I love her. But what about the others we hung and lived with? Where are they today?

My first apartment Roommate. What is she up to? How is she doing? Does she wonder about me?

Co-workers I adored, and even those I loathe. Where are they?

My "Kids" from the Deaf School. All grown up now. Same with my Damar (Special needs) Kids. My kids from Preschool classes, Sunday School classes, Girl Scouts, after school care, confirmation and other friends of my daughters. I can't believe how many we have already lost touch with. All of them are adults now.

Do any of these people ever try to get in touch with me? Do they want to? Would they remember me? Do they care?

I would be so honored to hear from a blast from the past. BUT only if it was positive. I don't need drama nor do I want to hear negative.

I am thinking about trying to reach out to a few. Particularly the old Roommates and a co-worker that I adored. They may think I am nuts. But, I kindof am. They probably remember that part about me!

Black Vinyl Gold!

OH MY GOSH!
Look what I found! A box full of my old 45's! Oh how I wish I could play them. The memories of sitting around the record player singing my heart out!

Oh, the heartbreaks, the lonely me, the jam sessions with my little friends!

The records I found crack me up. Do you remember:

Cher: Loving in a House Divided
Three Dog Night: Black & White
Alice Cooper: No More Mr Nice Guy
Johnny Rivers: Rockin' Pneumonia~Boogie Woogie Flu
Elton John: Daniel
Carly Simon & James Taylor: Mockingbird
The Osmonds: Yo-Yo
The Grass Roots: Two Divided By Love
America: A Horse with No Name
Bread: Diary
Gilbert Sullivan: Get Down

sigh... that is just to name a few!

Seriously, don't today's kids have it easy? They just pick songs and download, then take with them where ever they go! They don't have to play scratchy skipping 45's and albums. But, I wouldn't trade those days with my little friends & our old record players.

Are you old enough to remember gathering your favorites, making sure your name was on them before heading to slumber parties? Remember buying them as gifts for those slumber parties?

I have always loved music. Even my goofy old 45's!

February Love Songs & Rich

First, I want to apologize to my dear Rich. I know you hate the play list. That the music distracts you. But, you can mute your computer, hit the volume or like you said, stop the song each time.
I am sorry. I wish I could take it off your viewing and anyone else that hates it, but I do love it. It is a part of my Blog and I like to change it with the seasons. I love mixing up favorites and introducing music that someone may not have heard. Also, believe it or not I get more compliments on it. Some do like it.

Rich use to be a music person. I remember a day he could recite any Styx, Molly Hachett, REO Speedwagon, Lynryd Skynyrd, or John Denver song. We sang together, rather loudly, and out of key, in his little Corvair following Young Life meetings. There are some songs that will come on and I will immediately think of him. "You've Got a Friend", will always make me think of us singing that to each other.

Learn to love it again my dear friend.

Second, as for the songs I picked for this month, these are a mix of my Sergio Songs. I think of him always with these. I am goofy about them. Although Sergio is not a music person, he thinks of me when these are played too.

I hope you enjoy. Not often you can hear Ella Fitzgerald and then Steven Tyler in the same mix!

Haunting Images

This is going to be depressing so forgive me, I just have something heavy on my heart and want to get it out.

Today, I saw a TRACKER. It is a little SUV wannabe. I hate them. They make me think about the last time my father tried to commit suicide. This was a few years ago. He drove his Tracker around for an hour. Passing the same Train Trestle again and again. Until his timing, speed, and nerve was in sync. Then crashed the Tracker into the Trestle. Although, like his other attempts, it was just not his time. He gave himself substantial injuries, but nothing life threatening. After time in the hospital & rehab, he returned home, but with more pains and more handicap. Trestle make me sad too. This attempt was different than his past. This one was personal. The night before, he had made a phone call to me, letting me know what a disappointment I was. And that I was ungrateful. That I was mean. If anything should happen to him, it would be on my shoulders. My fault. Thanks Dad. I still love you. I sat with my Mom through Dad's surgery. Mom showed the nurse and I the pictures of the bloody Tracker. Thanks Mom, I still love you.

Years earlier, he hung himself in a hotel room. My uncle found him just in time.

Prior to that, he overdosed when I was about eight.

My cousin, Rob, in a depressed fit shot himself with a shotgun in his front yard with his common law wife and son in the house. Rob, bleed a slow, painful death.

My Mom's mother locked herself and my Mom (she was around 9) in a bathroom and slit both her wrist. She blocked the door but my Mom was able to crawl out of the window to get help.

I somehow can picture these events even though I was not there. I have also been known to have haunting visions of hurting myself. I wont hurt myself. I have more respect for myself and my own family. I also feel this is an unforgivable sin. I love my family, my husband and girls. I have a good life and I want to enjoy it for a very long time. I wish I could make the visions go away. Surely it is a combination of genetics and the dysfunctional childhood we had. I do not blame anyone. I love my parents and know they gave me the best they could. It is not any one's fault we are all a little crazy. Kook Koo as Sergio says :) You have to teach yourself to laugh or you will cry.

Yeah, we have a few skeletons in our closets. Just a few.

The High School Website

I went to Thomas Carr Howe High School. There is a website for our school ( tchowe.com ). On occasion I would pop on, got caught up on some current events of peoples lives. It is fun to check the general message board. Usually there hasn't been much, except when a reunion was coming up. Or occasionally someone is looking for someone.

However, lately there is alot of activity on this website. It kindof started with the Class of 1981. Someone wrote something intriguing about old feelings then one by one people started to try to figure out who, what, & where. Then it just got fun & sociable. Reading the stories is like going down memory lane. New post started coming in. Other classes wanted to have their own classes throw out some memories (including my class ~1980~). The comments are funny. The class of 1981 has well over 10,000 hits already! Either it is addicting or too many people have nothing better to do. Now, even I, find myself checking it daily. Sometimes I will add something, sometimes just laugh at what I read.

It reminds me of the younger generation with their MySpace & Facebook. It just is something interesting and addicting. I also have to read my Bestie's Blog every day. Since Sheri is a writer, it is always written well, keeps you interested. Makes you think. Reading it is the first thing I do in the morning with a cup of coffee, as well as the last thing at night I read.

Although I will never have such a gift to write as Sheri, nor reach out to as many people as the Howe website, I will continue to write in this little Blog. It is a release for me. A wonderful way to speak my peace. My audience is tiny. I have told several about it, but only have one faithful reader (Thanks for believing in me & encouraging me Sheri!). I just want to have fun with it.

What I Miss Most ...part one

My life is about half over, if I am lucky. I have had wonderful opportunities and should have many more. Some things are gone though. I wont get them back. Here's what I miss most:

From Childhood:
riding my bike ...for hours
climbing trees with Richie
sledding at Pleasant Run w/ the neighborhood gang
sneaking down to the swing at the creek
Summers in Texas
water balloon fights
"ghost in the graveyard"
catching lightening bugs
kickball in the cul de sac
Camp Fire Girls
riding horses with my Grandparents
birthday parties
Carol Burnett, Love American Style, & The Partridge Family
High School Football games
High School Float Meetings
High School Hayrides
Sleepovers
when my friends made me watch Sammy Terry
Trendz
Getting our License and cruising all night
Bob Byrds Beefy Tostados he made me @ Taco Bell
Working @ Eastgate w/ Sheri & Deb
Performing Theatre Arts w/ Sheri & Deb
Student Council w/ Sheri & Deb
Everything Sheri, Deb & I got ourselves into during HS
Our Secret Codes
Lynn Farrow
Parties at the Seats, also at Bruce's
REO Speedwagon hand motions & singing
Southeastway Park
The Track during qualifications
Jack, Harry Buffalos, & Tom Collins (our guys)
Lynyrd Skynyrd, and watching the guys "play"

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I love photographs! I love looking at my past as well as others. They are little memories captured in a picture. I love to see the detail, beyond the subject. The era, the setting, the mood. Not to mention the hair & clothes!

Sometimes it makes me sad going through these moments of the past. Times of hardship, loved ones gone, or just realizing that time is gone never to be the same.

Mostly I relish the feelings. Regardless to if it was happy or sad times. When I see the harder times, it makes me proud to have become stronger because of it. The happy times just remind me of the love shared or grown from the times.

I esspecially love old photgraphs. To peek into a loved ones past. Seeing a look in Grandma's eye at the young age of twenty-something. Imagining what it would be like to live in another time. It is an opportunity to get to know someone better than you did. Or at least try.

Give me a box of photos and I can be content for hours. I tried the scrap booking fad only to get overwhelmed. I am better at just throwing them together & enjoying them.

I need to take more pictures. Maybe I will this afternoon of my girls.