the storms

***fotenote~ to my blog friends that only like to read the good, and funny.. you might want to walk away now... this is a little of the ugly***

I have been very hesitate to write some of these feelings and thoughts.  My biggest fear is to hurt or offend someone. Especially someone I love.  But I struggle with... why I started my blog, how I wanted to write about the good, the bad & the ugly. How life throws different things but how we learn to cope and journey forward.  Turning the negative into positive.
I have always tried to be careful what I write. Particularly because of my girls, Emily & Annie. I would never want to embarrass them. They have grown into extraordinary young women, and I could not possibly be more proud of them.
I have gotten negative response on occasion from readers not liking hearing my darker side of life. I have also gotten positive response on how some of the dark helps them as well. So weighing it out.. today, anyway, I will share some thoughts about the not so fun and exciting part of my life that I am dealing with.

I am struggling with my relationship with my parents. I love them so much.  I yearn to have a close relationship. 
For those of you that are fortunate enough to have a Blessed relationship, I am so glad for you! I am overjoyed to know that it does exist and can only pray that my children and their families will feel Blessed to be close to Hubby and I. I try very hard to stay focused on that and perhaps we try harder to make for a calm and peaceful "homelife" so this will be an end result of a "happier family". 

Unfortunately, because of mental illnesses and things that just can not be fixed, neither my husband or myself have that with our parents.  It isn't, "something that happened or something said". It isn't grudges and it isn't resentment. It isn't neglect or even selfishness. 
It is what it is.

As I approach 50, I would love nothing more than to have a close relationship with my parents. I realize that they are only human and can not live forever. I have friends that have lost their parents and miss them so.  Would do anything to hug them again, to have them to love again. Sometimes, I think I am heading there with my parents... I will be talking to them daily, I will be under the impression things are improving and going well.  I will be at that point where I am ready to open up more and embrace them, but then IT happens.

The storm arrives.

Hello manic depressed bi-polar crazy pod person that has invaded my loved one.
The words you say.
The actions you take.
Even after all these years, I am still surprised how they hurt and affect me.
I know you are not my loved one. That person is buried deep within.  That person would never hurt someone so much.

No wine. No magic pill. Nothing to make it go away.

Sometimes, I just have to sit and wait for the storm to take its course and pray the damage isn't too bad.

How dreadful.

Thankfully, I do have so much love and support. My Sis understands what I go through more than anyone can as she too has to live this. I love you Sis and grateful to have you. My Hubby is so supportive and is my rock. Poor Guy just wants to find a way to fix things for me when we know there isn't anything we can do.  Then my daughters... my precious daughters. I promise I will never put you through this. Please know with the right tools, even disorders such as these can be manageable.

I don't need sympathy.  I don't need advice about being positive.
blah blah blah.
I just wanna vent now and then. I will move on.

i promise to post something fluffy soon!

Loving A Manic Depressive

Manic Depressive: affected by or relating to a mental disorder with alternating periods of elation and depression.

When you love someone that is a manic depressed person your world gets turned upside down, and inside out. Emotions get raw and nerves exposed. Things can be wonderful one minute and a nightmare the next. You can feel loved and hated at the same time.

I have lived with this my entire life. One of the most important persons in my life suffers from this disorder. It is up and down all the time. You never know what to expect.

I have grown up admiring her, amazed by her and loving her with all my heart.

I have also had moments of pain, sorrow and guilt beyond belief.

She has the gift of being superwoman. She can be giving, sensitive and the kindest of all.

But she can also misinterpreted things resulting in saying things that I am sure she would never if she just thought about the consequence. As well as turning things around and into unnecessary crisis.

She means well. But she flourishes on crisis' and situations that she can "rescue" or control.

Many would think the best way to handle these kind of people is to remove them from your lives. Keep a safe distance. And keep the drama at bay.

Easier said than done. Especially when you love the person.

I know she doesn't mean the hurtful things. I know she doesn't mean to make me feel responsible for her pain. I know that she loves me and would never hurt me on purpose.

I also know that I can not make her well. I can't make her take her medicine. I can not make her calm down and be rational.

I can only love her.