life breaths

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Sometimes, things are going so splendidly~ You find yourself actually smiling every day. Feeling giddy. Enjoying the little things.  You see the world with a brighter attitude.  You are proud of yourself for the first time in a long time. The way you handle the bumps in the road and the coping skills you have learned.
Life is good...
you are happy.

Then in a blink of an eye, something flips. Just like a light switch.

Maybe it is the weather...
Maybe it is financial...
Maybe it is just too many harsh words from someone you love...
Or maybe, it is all the above.

I look around me, and see so many things to make me happy. So many reasons to rejoice.
but sometimes I can't stop the vortex sucking me in, feeling myself spin, getting that sick feeling in my stomach, my head gets hot, and my heart starts to crumble.

I think about those less fortunate and carry many larger burdens. How impressive it is that they can manage and be so positive.

I try so hard to not carry a self pity for myself.  I remind myself that I must trust God's plan for me and not question it. To have faith that God is in charge and WILL see me through everything always. I can't change what is my destiny and instead embrace and try to better understand what I am to learn through each experience given to me.

My beautiful breeze has left us.  In it's place is horrible hot humid days with a heat index of 111. Yesterday, I feared I would have a heart attack as I cut the grass in this heat.  I know that the lawnmower stopped those three times to force me to catch my breath and to hydrate myself.

I am anxiously waiting to get back to work (not until mid-August), so I can receive my much needed paychecks to contribute to our cost of living. Also my work makes me happy.

I struggle with not being able to "fix" things for those I love.  I want to make things easier, I want to give comfort.  I want to give reassurance.  I keep trying to "turn that chair into a couch".

The Hubby's work is very intense and grueling lately (actually always).He is a tough negotiator and doesn't get contracts completed by being gentle. The tougher the situation the more likely it will trickle home. Which makes life at home hard for me.

There are other problems within those walls that is putting too much pressure within. In respect of my family, I don't write about this, but it doesn't mean it isn't there. Part of my biggest problem is the fact that I know I will never live up to high expectations. Nor be loved as much as I give. It is a harsh, taxing, and destructive walk. Sometimes I feel so ready to give up. But, God keeps me going.  I know He's got my back.

If you are a reader of Faith... I would appreciate some prayers.  If you are not, any positive energy sent my way would be appreciated.  I know I will get through this all, but I feel a definite struggle  with this.

Life is so short...