Happiness

Are you happy?
I mean REALLY happy?
How does that feel?
I should be happy. I have so much to be grateful & happy for.  A wonderful husband, beautiful smart daughters, an Arkful of animals. A roof over my head. Friends and family that love me.

So, what is wrong with me?
I feel like it is always three steps forward, two steps back for me. Every happy occasion in my life seems to come at a cost. I have happy moments but so many sad ones. I don't know what, where, or who I should be. I don't know.

I know so many people that have it bad, so many that have reasons to be sad, yet the are inspirational. They certainly don't play the poor me card. Again, I have so much to be happy for...so why do the things that get me down, get me so down.

Why am I so unhappy?
Why do I question what I am doing so?

I have a wonderful therapist that keeps me on track. She has taught me many coping mechanisms that help.  I am trying to let go and remember that I can't fix things.

But, I feel helpless with some things.

I feel a disappointment and failure to some that I love so dearly.
I can't change this, and that frustrates me.
My relationships are so important, (too important) and my Mom, Husband, and Daughters mean the world to me. To let any of them down is devastating.
I lost a close friend this year. Well, I didn't lose them, I had to make a decision to let them go. A healthy decision but painful never less. I miss them, but can't deal with them.
I can't find a job. What the flying fish? I'm 48 yrs old. Am I really that under-qualified or undesirable to everyone?

I am not looking for a pity party.  Really. I would happily accept prayers though. I guess I just need to vent. Therapy is a few weeks away and my Hubby doesn't "like" when I feel this way. I don't share this with him. He believes a person can "toughen up" and not be weak.
I am trying.