Tuesday, July 12, 2011

life breaths

Sometimes, things are going so splendidly~ You find yourself actually smiling every day. Feeling giddy. Enjoying the little things.  You see the world with a brighter attitude.  You are proud of yourself for the first time in a long time. The way you handle the bumps in the road and the coping skills you have learned.
Life is good...
you are happy.

Then in a blink of an eye, something flips. Just like a light switch.

Maybe it is the weather...
Maybe it is financial...
Maybe it is just too many harsh words from someone you love...
Or maybe, it is all the above.

I look around me, and see so many things to make me happy. So many reasons to rejoice.
but sometimes I can't stop the vortex sucking me in, feeling myself spin, getting that sick feeling in my stomach, my head gets hot, and my heart starts to crumble.

I think about those less fortunate and carry many larger burdens. How impressive it is that they can manage and be so positive.

I try so hard to not carry a self pity for myself.  I remind myself that I must trust God's plan for me and not question it. To have faith that God is in charge and WILL see me through everything always. I can't change what is my destiny and instead embrace and try to better understand what I am to learn through each experience given to me.

My beautiful breeze has left us.  In it's place is horrible hot humid days with a heat index of 111. Yesterday, I feared I would have a heart attack as I cut the grass in this heat.  I know that the lawnmower stopped those three times to force me to catch my breath and to hydrate myself.

I am anxiously waiting to get back to work (not until mid-August), so I can receive my much needed paychecks to contribute to our cost of living. Also my work makes me happy.

I struggle with not being able to "fix" things for those I love.  I want to make things easier, I want to give comfort.  I want to give reassurance.  I keep trying to "turn that chair into a couch".

The Hubby's work is very intense and grueling lately (actually always).He is a tough negotiator and doesn't get contracts completed by being gentle. The tougher the situation the more likely it will trickle home. Which makes life at home hard for me.

There are other problems within those walls that is putting too much pressure within. In respect of my family, I don't write about this, but it doesn't mean it isn't there. Part of my biggest problem is the fact that I know I will never live up to high expectations. Nor be loved as much as I give. It is a harsh, taxing, and destructive walk. Sometimes I feel so ready to give up. But, God keeps me going.  I know He's got my back.

If you are a reader of Faith... I would appreciate some prayers.  If you are not, any positive energy sent my way would be appreciated.  I know I will get through this all, but I feel a definite struggle  with this.

Life is so short...


Judy Miller said...

prayers were sent! God bless you!

Vanna said...

Janis, I will be praying for you. Although I will say I am not sure how much that will help considering I am, too, in a very dark place inside of myself. I can't seem to pull myself out of it either. But I know we can help each other get back to ourselves with love and prayer. Love you too far away cousin. Hope it gets better. I know it will!

Scribe said...

The book of James is great for reassurance in seasons like these... I've been in the same season for quite a long while and I get it... I do... and my prayers are with you...

rosaria said...

Just another rough patch, Janis. Your body is telling you to be attentive, be active, fix everything. But, no person can. Your willingness is your nature, your loving, giving nature.

Tell yourself, this will pass. I have blessings and support and nothing will come my way I cannot handle.

Fortify yourself for these tough patches. Read, pray, hang out with girlfriends. Tell yourself, over and over, this will pass.

Lori ann said...

rosaria is right dear. this is not fair, you are one of the most sweetest people i know. i wish i could take away your sadness. just remember as sure as the sun rises and sets, every day is new day.

praying, hugging and sending much love,

Reality Jayne said...

Janis, I am a struggler too. I grew up with very little reassurance, in knowing who i was and, that i was loved.
I made my own way in finding out who i was. It is harder that way ,but i really do think God gave some peeps a harder route because he thinks thay are the stronger ones. I also think he wants some people to have special skills to know the hard way emotionally in order to help others through the briar patch....so to speak.

I also think that we are supposed to look at some very misfortunate people, and be in awe of them.

Reality Jayne said...

I wll be thinking of you today...I hope you feel better. Families are a tough one for sure.

janis said...

Thank you dear Peeps♥
Your encouraging words mean so much. I have a date reading the Book of James this evening... also my Hospice Coordinator called and has a dear patient needing some respite. I think hanging with her this week will be good for us both. The Oldies have so much for us to learn from. I will listen to her whole-heartedly.
I'm cleaning out my office, dogs at my feet and listening to some wonderful mix of Internet radio. (David Cassidy is currently singing "It's One of those Nights". Love it!

Anonymous said...

i love you and so does izzy.

Erin Wallace said...

WHat I was thinking as I read this is "all you can do is pray." I certainly will keep you in my prayers.

oceankisses said...

Hi Janis! I am Pam's sister (scottys-place) and that is just wild that you happened to run across my blog. I'm going to share your comment with Pam. She is currently training me to be a transcriptionist like she is, although I have 2 other businesses at the time. I'm looking toward retiring from the cleaning business in 2 years and I need something to replace that income with.

I just love your pets! I think it is funny that all of your pets have Mask-like faces. Is that a Papillion dog you have...like Pam's? Your cat Izzy is absolutely adorable! And how could anyonee resist The Bandido?

I will put you on my prayer list. I am big on praying because I need God to take on so many burdens for me. It makes my life more joyful knowing that He is looking out for me. I pray that He will bring you comfort and joy to replace your troubled heart.

Please visit me again. I signed up your your e-mail following. I am kind of bummed that blogger seems to have done away with our "followers".

Patti Neal on FB
oceankisses on Twitter

Bee Lady said...

Hi janis,

I'm just getting caught up with blogging and had no idea you were struggling. Scribes right..James is good. Did you have your date with Him? or HIM! I had a rough day this week and was dealing with a lot of negative self-talk from people who talked negative to me. One time at a seminar we were taught that we will talk negative to ourselves, more than positive, and that when we do that we should say no, even if we have to say it out loud, then stop! I hope you are feeling better.

Cindy Bee

Mary said...

Janis, Sorry I missed this post, I need to rearrange to blogs that appear on my page, so that it doesn't happen again. My prayer would have gone up in your need.
I have been there done that many times, working at trying to catch it before it gets too bad, but doesn't always work. Ephesians 3:20 has become very dear to me. He indeed can and will do infinitely more than we might ask or think.
Hugs to you!