Wednesday, March 4, 2009

When Breathing is Not Enough


What do you do when remembering to breathe is not enough?

When you feel so overwhelmed and so incapable.

I try so hard to keep things in prospective. I try to keep positive. I have so very much to be thankful for. Such a wonderful husband and dear sweet daughters.

Every time I am back up and happy, something or someone cruelly punches me in the gut or knocks me down. How do I keep that from sucking me into a dark place?

I was doing okay, trucking along, when suddenly I was blindsided by the Boogey Man. An evil crusher that takes my self esteem and destroys it.

Last night, I was so overwhelmed. I tried so hard to stop the tears from sliding down my checks. My supervisor, is sweet and reminded me I could take a 10 minute break if I needed. I thanked her, but told her my quota is too low and I could not afford the break. I finally pulled it together after Sergio's texts made me smile (God, how I love this man!).

Why can't I stay out of this funk?

I have so much I need to be doing.
I must find a job that gives me the hours and pay that will adequately subsidize our income.
I must clean this home before Emily and her friends arrive Friday.
I must get photos organized and start Annie's senior slide show.
I must get correspondence and bills together and sent out.
And I must get ready for my visit with Betsy. Ahh Betsy. Hopefully, she can shed some light on my dilemma and bring me to a happy or at least peaceful place.

Sorry to be doom and gloom. Just one of those weeks...

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's amazing how just writing down a few things, or even one, that you want to accomplish per day will help you stay focused. Make sure it's not too big of a task, like save the world, maybe just get the laundry done, look at jobs for one hour. It gives me great joy to physically cross something off a piece of paper. I have to write down everything or I am so scattered. My kitchen counter is a sea of post-its...Love you...Deb.

Linda said...

I've been thinking about this in a similar way this week because everywhere I look, people are saying "be upbeat, be positive, it could be worse". While that's all true, there are sometimes in life where even that, doesn't cut it. For instance, when someone is grieving the loss of a loved one or the loss of any type, for that matter, it's not enough to try to just be positive, and frankly why should someone be expected of that anyway?

There are times in life when one just grieves, and no one should try to belittle another one's grieving by simply saying "Don't worry, be happy!".

My husband is still looking at a very real job loss possibility - it's very hard to just breathe, to just be positive all of the time, when one's world is crashing down around them.

I sympathize with you, fully.

Ziongirl said...

Dear sweet Janis.

Your words bring tears to my eyes. I am sorry to hear it is such a rough time for you. Dang it!!! I will remember you in my prayers. There are no words that can console us at times but how about some laughter...........

"That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger !"

Who in the crap came up with that saying anyway ?????? Are you laughing yet?

lakeviewer said...

Janis, I hope you have talked to your doctor about these moods. Depression goes hand in hand with other stuff that doctors can help with. I know when I was going through menopause, and didn't know it, my doctor identified my depression and other medical problems early enough to help. Don't suffer needlessly.

Mark said...

Jan,

I have always loved your title “Just Breathe” I have said that very saying to my wife for years. I realize it is a simplistic statement and sometimes that does not feel like enough but sometimes simple is the very answer. You have family and friends that love you very much and you know that right now you are all dry, warm, safe, loved, and fed. After those things it doesn’t count for squat anyway.

The sun always comes out it just seems to get lost now and then.

PS
Thanks for the post
I am still around I just did not like the direction my Blog was going.

Fire Byrd said...

'I must'..... bad words that put pressure on you to be a bigger brighter person. Don't go there unless the 'I must' says, I must be good to myself and care for my needs and not put myself under such pressure.Cause when you put yourself under that sort of pressure you will fail and then beat yourself up even more
No-one ever says on their death bed, I wish I'd done more cleaning!
So try saying I need to be kind to me, even if being kind means you cry your eyes out, if that is what you need to do then that is what you should do.
Big hugs
xx

janis said...

Thank you all, just having someone pray for me means so much.
My daughter Emily. has that quote" "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger", and I know that is true.
But, The "Don't Worry, Be Happy". Is a hard one to swallow in these times.
Yes, I talk to my Counselor (that is my dear Betsy). she is an Angel in disguise and has such a gift for putting things in prespective. I am trying to get there.
And finally, Firebyrd, you are so right. I must... take care of myself, I must.. smile today, I must... move on.

Lori ann said...

Sending Big HUGS to you dear Janis. Fire Byrd (and all your friends)are so right, take good care of yourself,be gentle and loving. You are so special.
xxx lori

Anonymous said...

Try living in a tent city like the people in Sacramento! Get over it! Suck it up! It could be worse!