Thursday, January 22, 2009

Censorship within the Blog

This Blog has been very therapeutic for me. I find that writing my feelings and thoughts, validate how I am feeling and help me to understand that I am not crazy, just struggling with my life.

I try to be be very careful in what I allow myself to write. I don't dear write all that is playing inside my head. Frankly, I would scare the crap out of people that love me. There has been a couple of times when close friends called to talk to me about reconsidering some of what I "let out". I have edited a couple of things. Their opinions mean more to me than any.

I also do not share the fact that I have this blog with some people. No one from my employment know, nor would they have an interest in blogs. I also keep a tight lid with the family. My parents love me in our strange dysfunctional way, however, my Mother could easily be hurt and not read things for what they are. She jumps to conclusion and I would never want to hurt her. She would also worry way to much about things that she must not.

My oldest daughter, Emily reads this. She even posted an blog, that I was very honored. She gets me. And I think at 20, she is mature enough to see this side of me. It helps her to understand me.

My Annie has read a bit. Basically, at 18, in her Senior year she is just to busy with her own life. I always give her a heads up if the posting regards her, and she reviews them.

Sergio has read a little as well. He doesn't really have an interest in reading them. He doesn't understand my love of this and thinks it is a little weird. Letting strangers read about me freaks him out and he thinks some nut will stalk me or something. He thinks it is odd, but he tries to understand why I feel better when I write. He is supportive, but would rather see me pour my frustrations, depressions and energy into something like baking so he could "appreciate the outcome better".

My sister, and a few close friends read it. I have reconnected with a couple of friends that have found me. And I have a wonderful small circle of Blogger friends that have made me feel very good about myself and I so appreciate their interest.

This is my way of feeding a need of feeling more appreciated and heard. Everyone I am close to is so busy with their own crisis and life in general. I also have a therapist that keeps me from going over the edge and helping me to get back the me I miss.

Sometimes I may write about things that are heavy, but if I can help just one person that is going through this see they are not alone I know that would help. Also I appreciate advice from people that may have struggled like me.

I will continue to be careful with what I write. I will keep the too private stuff out. But I will continue to write from my heart, and hope that this will continue to bring me joy.

4 comments:

Lori ann said...

I get you too. If you ever need to say more and don't know where to turn, please email me and if I can help by just being a neutralunbiased(loving)listener, i will.
take good care Janis :)
xxx lori

janis said...

Thank you Lori, you seem to have awonderful heart.

Anonymous said...

Janis,

Your concern to censor is justified; I wrote of my political believes on another blog while logged on with my wife’s computer once and now information is out there that is under her name that she did not write.

I found your blog by total accident, when the Howe site was down I was trying to find another way to it and found your site because you had referenced Howe in one of your posts. So yes people that you may not want seeing your site may find it.

With that said I will tell you that I enjoy your site because it is real, and family dysfunction is different for all of us but we all get our share. You are not alone your words help me understand several family members that I try to help.

My father told me I was going to burn in hell most every day from about 12 to 17 till finally I decided if that was true I was going to have a good time getting there.

While your writing helps you, I know it helps others.

Thanks
Mark

PS
I will keep you in my thoughts on this and your medical issue.

PSS
Linton and Fern still own Fountain Square but I did not get a return call.

sroman said...

I know I am often the cautionary one that calls with an OHG reaction. It is out of love and concern -- not a reflection of your judgment.

On the other hand, your writing helps so many. Your talent AND your honest glimpses of emotions help us all.