Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Are you happy?
I mean REALLY happy?
How does that feel?
I should be happy. I have so much to be grateful & happy for.  A wonderful husband, beautiful smart daughters, an Arkful of animals. A roof over my head. Friends and family that love me.

So, what is wrong with me?
I feel like it is always three steps forward, two steps back for me. Every happy occasion in my life seems to come at a cost. I have happy moments but so many sad ones. I don't know what, where, or who I should be. I don't know.

I know so many people that have it bad, so many that have reasons to be sad, yet the are inspirational. They certainly don't play the poor me card. Again, I have so much to be happy for...so why do the things that get me down, get me so down.

Why am I so unhappy?
Why do I question what I am doing so?

I have a wonderful therapist that keeps me on track. She has taught me many coping mechanisms that help.  I am trying to let go and remember that I can't fix things.

But, I feel helpless with some things.

I feel a disappointment and failure to some that I love so dearly.
I can't change this, and that frustrates me.
My relationships are so important, (too important) and my Mom, Husband, and Daughters mean the world to me. To let any of them down is devastating.
I lost a close friend this year. Well, I didn't lose them, I had to make a decision to let them go. A healthy decision but painful never less. I miss them, but can't deal with them.
I can't find a job. What the flying fish? I'm 48 yrs old. Am I really that under-qualified or undesirable to everyone?

I am not looking for a pity party.  Really. I would happily accept prayers though. I guess I just need to vent. Therapy is a few weeks away and my Hubby doesn't "like" when I feel this way. I don't share this with him. He believes a person can "toughen up" and not be weak.
I am trying.


Tess Kincaid said...

Don't worry. Be happy, now. (haven't thought of that song in ages!)

My great aunt Winnie's skating friends in the photo are Ava Ellerman and Vella Hendrix. Any connections?

Em said...

Janis I totally know where you're coming from.
I have so much to be happy about and yet I battle daily with depression.
I take a cocktail of strong medication and that takes the worst of it away but then I think ..'I don't want to spend my life on medication'.
I try and take each day as it comes at the moment and things are looking up a bit now.
Hope you're feeling a bit brighter soon and if you email me your address I'll send you some english chocolate.
Love and *hugs*
Em xxxxxxx

janis said...

Great Willow~ now I will be singing Bobby McFerrin's Happy song. (Tis what I need before bed). The names are not familiar. But that would have been grand. I have some amazing old photos and family history. I need to post more about that kind of stuff.
Em~ Thanks sweetie! About the chocolate, I can wait and only if I win, the drawing. (I just ate a chocolate peanut butter bar).
BTW~ I med too. I know I will be on Lexapro for the rest of my life, but I try to only take the Xanax when absolutely necessary. I opt'd for some wine instead :) Gave me the relax I needed. Sometimes I just need to write, and I feel a ton better.
Thanks & Love♥

Carolynn said...

I was going to say something really brilliant and supportive and then, I saw all the little stars that flew off my cursor when I moved it and, pffft....gone. And, in it's place? Happiness. It's so silly, but I totally love that stuff!

Okay, now, where was I....? Oh, yeah. It's good to vent and if you can't do it with impunity on your own blog, then what the heck, right? It's okay to be in the struggle. Spend a little time on the silty bottom, letting your toes get all squishy in the muck, and then push off and rise to the surface. We all bottom out sometimes, the trick and the joy in life is spending as much time as possible riding the waves.

My gawd, I'm brilliant! Now, where did those little stars go....


Kitty Stampede said...

It sounds like you need some vitamin b supplements, and possibly omega 3's.
you are probably lacking. seriously diet has a HUGE impact on depression and irritability.

check out this link if you're open to non prescription natural options.


i hope you get through this.
we all have our ups and downs. there is lots of ways to get yourself out funks. outdoors and animals really help me!!! :D
and i think the vitamins help too..hehe.
no meds for me, toooo many side effects. there is always a natural solution, doctors just don't recommend vitamin supplements cause they cannot make money off them, that and they are not trained in nutrition.
blahblah..sorry off on a tangent.

wishing you a healthy, happy week!

ps.- a glass of wine or two is good too for a relaxer. ;)

Ziongirl said...

and BTW..........I had never heard of the word "morose". Wow.....See you can now add "teacher" to your resume! Have a super day today and remember to count your blessings!

janis said...

Carolyn~ I left you a message sharing the fairy dust. I love it too!
Kitty S~ thank you! I had forgotten that diet had such an impact on moods. I will run to get Omega 3 when the snow settles. I have the Vitamin B (they are my daughters, but she also has them @ school).
Love you all♥

Nome said...

Hi! I am new to the blogging community and am just surfing around reading pieces of blogs.... yours struck a chord with me! I'm 48 also, and have been on Prozac for years. Am currently struggling with menopause on top of that...UGH. So, you are not alone, girlfriend! One of the mantras I learned in Alcoholics Annonymous... One day at a time. Remember that if it gets too overwhelming! Chin up!

Andrea said...

Hi Janis! Thanks for noticing that I'm was back on my blog! I'm sorry that you struggle with depression. I do too, to be honest. I guess I'm always hoping that it will go away but it never does. Kind of like bad weather, you know it's always gonna come back around. Sometimes I just try to forget I'm sad when I'm sad. "Mind over matter~I don't mind 'cuz it don't matter."Perspective, I guess. Hope today is a good day for you.