Monday, January 10, 2011

A Bruised Heart

My heart is heavy and bruised a bit.
I have been hurt by those I love and I am having a hard time processing it.
Things were said, emotions flowed. I am blaming myself, because that is what I do.
I am raw. I have been over-analysing  and reliving the conversations.

The past couple of weeks have been difficult.  I few different situations, involving different loved ones, have collided at the same time. I feel like pieces of my heart have been torn out little by little and I am weak.

Today, I got yet another tongue lashing.
You have no ideal. 
My shoes you have not walked. 
My path is not yours. 
Things are not always what they seem.
How dare you assume you can have this discussion with me?
I walked away, but, in tears.  Maybe it is me. Maybe, I am a bit of a fuck up.

I am searching for answers. And for solutions. My Therapist has given me wonderful coping skills that I am applying (which seems to be part of which some loved ones are resisting. They like me better as a doormat). I am grateful I got to see her this week. God is hearing much from me as well.  My prayers & conversations with Him are long winded, and I am trying to listen to what He is telling me I should do. It is only the tenth of January and I have already made it to three churches. Dear friend to vent with is valued and adored. (What would I do without her?). I have a ton to write but feel the censorship thus I think I will put these thoughts in my private Blog.  I am perplexed...

Today, it's just me, the dogs & cats. My daughters went back to the University over the weekend. Hubby is out of town on business. I know it crushed him to hear of today's little encounter. He wants to comfort, he wants to protect. He wishes I went with him on this trip. We needed it, and it is a brief one. But, who'd take care of my spoiled pooches & Puss'? My dogs don't like everyone, they are spoiled and want me to care for them. People are scared of them. People are also afraid of one of the cats. I wouldn't use a kennel, nor can I afford one (I have 6 pets). The girls, dang it, they are back in Muncie... too far to help with my mutts. It's yet another thing that is MY FAULT, imagine that? I should have trained them better so we could have neighbor kids help like we use to with prior pets.

I'm sitting here with my first glass of wine. I'm about to indulge on some Mac N Cheese. I think I am tossing the notion of cleaning my carpets and getting the house spotless aside, and engrossing myself in comfort foods. So, I am not even going to peek at the calorie & fat content that I am going to consume this late afternoon /evening... I will blame the extra pounds on those that have been cruel, although we all know that in reality it is, of course, like everything else, my fault.


mary said...

you are loved...and it is not your fault that someone else hurt you...

Tina said...

I'm sorry you are hurting like this. I completely understand how you feel as I have been in this position before and I blamed myself also. Later, after my own pity party, I made myself realize that it's not my fault that I was treated that way. I have learned that sometimes it's hard to do, but it's better not to say anything and keep my opinion to myself.
I'll be praying for you and for God to soften the heart of the one that hurt you.

Fire Byrd said...

Hey soul sister you are loved from faraway as well as at home.
And when people are mean to me I just think it's a shame they just can't help it, poor them.If they loved themselves then they wouldn't be mean to anyone else. And I may be feeling like shit right now but you and I know these feelings will pass and we will feel good again. Will the mean people feel like that about themselves.Take care of you hon and it will be okay.

a.myrick0430 said...

Jan you are a strong person, but I really know how it hurts. My loved one yelled at me this weekend and told me that I was never there for them. Sad thing is I am closer to them than anyone in the family. I even gave up my job for them! You can only do so much. God will help you through this. He always does! I will pray for you, and if you ever want to talk, just call me. Love you!

rosaria said...

Janis, are you going through menopause? You are probably protecting yourself and asserting your needs and people expect you to be the old Janis.

You know, too bad for them. You have to take care of you, first of all.

p.s. these passages are normal; they are not easy, but they are normal. You'll get over this and be stronger too.

Linda said...

As I already shared with you privately, I understand. ♥

Kitty Stampede said...

don't be so hard on yourself. these struggles will bring you strength. they always do. keep praying!!!
people can be cruel but it is their own problem, don't let there unhappiness bring you down. i know it hurts.. i've been hurt before but you must move ahead and smile and be grateful for all that you have, and that you have a loving, caring husband and lots of furry beebs to comfort you.

Mark Pressley said...

This to shall pass, mean while quit it with the self blame and mix in some Doritos’s with the Oreo’s a solid mix for sure.

janis said...

Gosh Thanks all! Really Im fine & it is all good. I truly am Blessed with a Wonderful Hubby & Adorable Daughters, as well as much Family & Friends that love me. It's just sometimes, when we change (yes Rosaria, I am MENOPAUSAL! :) )people have a hard time seeing you not a pushover or able to do things you once were...but anyway, I know that my loved ones would not intentionally hurt me, it just happens.Also, I do know it is not my fault.. Remember my Blog is to allow me to vent, to express and to well breathe...
I love you all and much appreciate (except that German comment that was spam! GRR I translated it & shame on you! Delete!)
Okay, well, my Capt'n Crunch is calling me to gorge some more :)
ps Welcome to my Blog Amy!!!

JC said...

I'm sending you a BIG virtual HUG !!! You sound like you need lots of them.

I can so relate. I too have been doing the emotional roller coaster. I really thought by my age, I'd have smooth sailing.

Hope things improve for you ...


I keep thinking if I live long enough I'll learn how to handle difficult situations like the one you describe where you were so hurt, heart bruised as you said which is a beautifully sad way to describe your feelings. But I find I will never be old enough to handle certain hurts from certain people. We just have to learn to like ourselves more and stop the blame game.
It's helpful just sharing it. So take care of You. Sending you blessings and prayers.

Kristen In London said...

You poor dear! I love you even from very far away in Connecticut,and soon to be London, because you hold the rights things as dear. This too shall pass! And Oreos rule. They cost almost $10 in London!

Reya Mellicker said...

Oh man. Do you want me to punch out some of the people who are hurting your feelings? I'll do it, just say the word.

IN the meantime, keep breathing. Send your heart some sweet pink healing energy or some beautiful emerald green love.

Things will turn around. Don't take it in!

Carolynn said...

I think you nailed it when you said you thought some people liked you better as a doormat. There are those in your life who will not welcome the changes you're making and the growing you're doing. It requires them to do some changing and growing too. And their relationship with you will inherently change, often requiring more of them.

Stick with it. The journey is worth it, even if it does get a bit muddy at times.


Ziongirl said...

Seriously! I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. Remember......You are not responsible for other peoples actions or hurtful words. Some people just love to share their misery! Keep smilin! Enjoy that comfort food girl!