dear friends...

dear friends...
Allow me to explain my heavy heart.
On a day we bid farewell to the best president we have ever been graced with.
My confusion..  my disappointment... my wtf moments...
My plan was to stay away from social media, television, print, and radio for the most part & try to wrap my head around what just happened.  But to my dismay, I am witnessing some changes already that are fucking terrifying me.

Let me step back for a few minutes and set my stage.

My Maternal Great Grandmother... I remember growing up & her tell me stories of women's suffrage.  She grew up understanding it.. IT actually started in 1848 but not until 1920 was it ratified. 1920! My Great Grandmother had incredible stories to tell me.  I felt so blessed to have her throughout my childhood into young adult.
My Fraternal Great Grandmother... got pregnant as a teen and had a shot gun wedding.  So did her daughter, her son, and her granddaughter... these women were not whores.. they were young women that did not have contraception....It wasn't available.  Some of these weddings lasted, some did not...
The women in our lives went through many hard pregnancies and miscarriages.  They did not have options.
My Father... has been handicap since I was nine months old.  I grew up witnessing how the world evolved in prejudice of those that are not as "capable" as a regular Joe. I now am his caregiver and he resides in Assisted Living. Where might I add... even though he worked his entire life.. and never took disability... he now uses a small supplement from medicaid

My Mother... had to grow up fast, from having a mentally unstable parent being bounced from home to home, molested as a teen, and having a marriage to a "crippled" husband & two daughters under the age of three by time she was 22 yrs AND deal with a woman's place in the 60's. She passed away four years ago at the age of 71.

My childhood... slightly dysfunctional (see above), throw in a mentally unstable Grandmother that lives with your household, being too thin, too tall & having a speech impediment, being bullied (from being called Daughter of Frankenstein, to getting beat up daily for 2 years from a neighbor boy while not one single other kid/friend stepped in and stopped it (better her than I), to being molested by adults you are suppose to be able to trust, suicidal parents, and financial dismay. I have a couple of years of college under my belt.

My family... my husband of 30 years is Hispanic.  Born in Mexico. He  has been both a laborer as well as white collar professional.. in fact a highly respected leader. He has worked harder than anyone I have ever met.  Recently retired, but still never stops working.  Our daughters, both adults, are college graduates.  One an amazing teacher that is ready to leave the field because of our broken Indiana system...  The other has spread her winds across the country putting her roots into a new territory, find her place in the marketing world as a Designer for a Marketing company. I remember as they grew up having to check their race on forms....chose to select their race depending on their mood. White. Hispanic. Mixed or bi-racial.  Depends on the day. Although... did you know Hispanic isn't even a category now?  My husband & I did a wonderful job raising strong women. They are open minded.  They are kind.  They are smart and they are sensitive. They are not judgmental.

For more recently I have survived being kicked down a bit too, but I have a strong support system.
I understand being a Christian /Catholic
I understand being a Wife & marriage
I understand being a Parent
I understand Teaching & a Youth Counselor
I understand being a Friend
I understand being a Care Giver & supportive staff
I understand depression & mental health better than many.
I understand what it's like being a minority and what it is like to be married to a minority
I understand how to be respectfully different yet equal.

For many years I have worked with people that have disabilities, differences and or situations that may not be thought as the norm.
I currently work in an industry that health care dictates who what & when a patient can get their medical supplies.  Many depend on Obama Care & had nothing prior.

For the past few months since the election.. I am so appalled at what I have witnessed. It seems some people generally feel they now have a free pass to being a bully. Well, why not? The American people have elected a bully to be our leader.
Wow.
Seriously... wow.
Obviously not everyone feels the same as I.
Give him a chance! We didn't react the way you democrats did when we had to accept Obama. Ohhh. My apologies. I never remember Barack Obama using bully tactics or speaking ill of those less fortunate. Never disrespectful or rude.
Say what you will. I know what I know. I know how I feel. Over the past few months I've felt pretty beat up & even betrayed.
Not just from those who feel they can justify being rude & bullies. But much to May dismay... the lack of others standing up against it.
The fact that some of my FB friends choose to not like a post I put out there I can certainly live with. The fact that my friends want to like a negative comment toward my beliefs and even worse... like someone's derogatory post "because.. oh come on... it's funny!" The lack of respect... the pure meanest...
It pulls me right back...
To the 60's as I attempted to get a drink from a fountain & told I can't because it's for "colors"... I have to drink from the other one...
also in the 60's having an Aunt that was forced by her parents to get a back alley abortion because they were not legal... this was not her choice but her parents. she was underage, just a puppy-love teenager that didn't realize she could get pregnant the first time having sex... but her parents were not going to allow her to be a pregnant teen...
To the 70's getting beat up every day for two years by a bully... a boy mind you... telling a terrified slinky girl it's time for my daily beating... and not one school-bus friend stopping it.
To being molested and not being protected..
To having a boyfriend that occasionally hit me... but only when drunk...
In the 80's when I was 18, I went to Planned Parenthood to get educated more about birth control, safe sex, and be smart PRIOR to becoming sexually active. They provided me with birth control because I was a poor college girl with a boyfriend...
When I married a
This election... it was personal.

catching my breath

Sometimes finding my voice is so complex.  What once was channeled into words has become silent, censored, and even failed. I was so comfortable with my blog, and expressing myself, until I found some loved ones hurt, confused or embarrassed by what came so easily flowing across the keyboard. Rest assure, my intentions were never to hurt anyone.  I merely felt an outlet of expression and well, validation.  I have this heavy filter weighing itself on everything I type now.

So, carefully I am going to attempt to re-find my voice, and pray that others allow me to speak. Perhaps even cheer me on. I am still a work in progress.  Even at 54... I still have many of the same self esteem issues I did at 12, and then some! The blog was a tool for coping. A way to help me breathe and know that my life is really not so different from others.  So regardless to what we are fighting, what we are challenged with and even what we are Blessed with, while different from each other are also the same. Some of the best support I found were from women I may have never "really" met, but I feel understand me and love me nonetheless. I could openly express feelings and be honest. Something I am not always so comfortable with my loved ones.

So with that... I take a deep breath... and start to JUST BREATHE JANIS

It has been a while since I have really written.  I mean really written from my heart. Life has been a whirlwind. Sometimes a fucking tornado. But I am a survivor. Since my daily writings, a few years ago, so bare with me as I come back.

I am starting with several of my drafts that lingered unfinished.  This is actually one of them.  I started this draft 3 years ago, but didn't complete, didn't find the strength to post.  It's like I fell off the horse and frightened to jump back on. The longer I wait, the harder it will be.  I will find my voice again.  I will find my cheerleaders & friends in this wonderful Blog World that truly saved me when I most needed it...

So with that, Hello Blog World. I think I have caught my breathe & ready to jump back on.
Xoxo

stifle

I have been quite for some time.  Slowly my writing was suffocating as I was told to repress... I needed to stop embarrassing others with my thoughts.  I needed to suck it up, constraint myself from expression, and shut the fuck up.

I was merely writing what was in my heart and going through my brain, however... some people took it personal... feeling exposed, or worried I would make myself look ridiculously stupid.  If I "feel the need to write", then why couldn't I keep it private?  Why did I feel I needed to blog? 

Because... it allowed me to breathe.

I wasn't attempting to expose.  I was simply giving my outlook, my two cents, my point of view of how life was for who I am and how I came to be.  In the process, I did on occasion feel validated.  I felt proud, and I felt myself growing and flourishing.

Just Breathe Janis, was never intended to call people out, show off or even to gain pity.  For me, years ago, my Aunt Linda, Grandma Kitty, and sister Julie use to tell me WRITE your story!  They were the recipients of many letters.... Some of my pre-historical blog entries. I had friends that loved my stories as well.  A friend use to beg me to enter them into Readers Digest.  My sister still encourages me to write... she never gave up on me. I have a Bestie, Sheri, who had started her Blog, Living with the Oldies, just a year prior to my launch. Watching her write was so therapeutic for her as well as lessons for all to learn to laugh rather than cry. When my therapist, Betsy, heard it was an outlet for me, she insisted I let it flow.

And so I did.
I wrote....
and I wrote.

Sometimes I could make others laugh, and sometimes cry.  Sometimes I would endorse things I found to enjoy. While other times I just had to put things out there.  My life was far from perfect and blogging made me realize I was not alone.

Three events took place that made me pull the plug a few years ago.
Three important relationships were struggling severely...
I had a job change that was very intense about having anything personal easily accessible...
And my depression was evolving into something different.

I began to Just Stifle Janis.

I have DOZENS of un-published post, lingering like a thought in the back of your brain. Something always stopped me from finishing them and most certainly publishing them. I just couldn't unleash them anymore...  Too afraid of the consequences. I lost my voice.

I started reading less (I know! that alone is a disaster!).
 I felt myself, forgive me friends that this will bother... dumb down.  When I had to change my primary language... using my secondary language, I often found myself losing the power of words. Like when I wanted to say how beautiful, attractive, exquisitive, gorgeous, alluring,.... it's all the same word as pretty.  Which wasn't as powerful as I may have wanted to say. 

Recently, I felt the need to write submerge.  The words forming in my brain.... as I lie in bed, the stories unraveled.  Tonight, I have decided to face my challenges, and let myself BREATHE again.

So... bear with me, and my grammar stumbling as I jump back on this computer journal.  Feel free to comment.... I can even take the negative.  I am writing for myself.  If I help anyone else along the way, as so many have helped me... then please pay it forward. Maybe, we can make each others lives a little better with truthful words and raw emotions.

♪♪Day One♪♪

♪Well, I wish I had a short term memory
Wish the only thing my eyes could see
Was the future burning bright right in front of me
But I can't stop looking back

Yeah, I wish I was a perfect picture of
Somebody who's never not good enough
I try to measure up but I mess it up
And I wish I wasn't like that

I wish I wasn't wishing anymore
Wish I could remember that nobody's keeping score
I'm tired of throwing pennies in a well
I gotta do something
Here goes nothin'

♫It's day one of the rest of my life
It's day one of the best of my life
I'm marching on to the beat of a brand new drum
Yeah, here I come
The future has begun
Day one♫

Well, every single day Your grace reminds me
That my best days are not behind me
Wherever my yesterday may find me
Well, I don't have to stay there

See my hourglass is upside down
My someday soon is here and now
The clock is tickin'
And I'm so sick and tired of missing out

It's day one
And here comes the sun

Every morning, every morning
Every morning, mercy's new
Every morning, every morning
Every morning, I will fix my eyes on You
Every morning, every morning
Every morning, mercy's new
Every morning, every morning
Sun's coming up, the beginning has begun

Starting over, I'm starting over
Starting over, I'm starting over, starting now
I'm starting over
Starting over, I'm starting over
Starting over
Starting over, starting now
I'm starting over
♫♪♪♫

...and that is what is stuck in my head.
maybe a sign,
maybe I can get started again with writing.
life is good, and here comes the sun!