An Aaa-Haaah Moment

Tonight I had one of those "Aaa-Haaa" moments. You know, when suddenly something has become clear. Crystal clear.

It is a Betsy(my Therapist), evening. I was rambling on about a relationship that hurts me and I just don't understand. Someone, whom I have loved for 20, no, make that close to 30 years. We were close, had a period of time we drifted. Then brought back together. Close again, then, not.

I have always given my all. Always been there, lovingly and caring. Things happened along the way. I always give the benefit of doubt and have also turned the other cheek.

Each time I was crapped on, I assumed this person didn't do it on person. Why would they?

A few things that happened over the years were icing on the cake. I decided, to keep my distance (& watch my back). Because of circumstances, we will always be connected, through a third party. There is no getting around this. However, I have grown a little spine and have set safe boundaries. Why set myself up for cruelity? Some people are just mean.

Back to my moment... This meanie is making waves again. Tonight, I was asking Betsy, why, I can't accept this and move on? Why do I let it hurt me so much? Why do I care?

After hearing our history. She told me about "Karpman's Triangle".

http:/en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

OMGosh! Thank you for having a term for this! I get it now. This person needed me, then turned to resent me for not being as needy as them.

Anyway, I can accept it now. I won't try to rescue this person anymore (the only rescue I have done lately is defend them). I am perfectly okay with what I have done and how I have always treated them. They are not going to get to me and make me become the Perpetrator. Finally I can see it is okay if they want to blame me, make up stories to make me look bad to the third party, and beat me down. The third party, has made it very clear that they know what kind of person I am, I need not feel I need to prove anything.

How does that saying go we all learned in Kindergarten?...
"Sticks & Stones can break my bones, but names can never harm me!"

Temps

Being a Temp has been an eye opening experience for me. It is difficult for a person like me that has to have "boundaries". I like knowing I am secure. Grant it no job is completely secure today. It use to be, at least in the job market I am in, unless you screwed up, you were safe. Come in, work, give the employer what is expected of you and you can keep coming back.

Today, because of the economy, sneaky political tactics, or supply & demand, jobs are so much more dispensable. I never thought I would "sign up" for a Temporary position.

I have been a Temp, or as my place of employment prefers to call us, "Contractor", for ten months now.

I have met some pretty amazing people and some pretty flaky people. We come from different backgrounds, we have different expectations. The majority, unlike myself, feel this is just a stepping stone. A job while they finish getting their MBA, or till something better comes along. I completely respect that. Most are young and have the world at their beckon call.

I, on the other hand, have been blessed with some wonderful careers. Have had some great accomplishments. And can happily call myself a Jack of all trades. Today, my expectations for a job are much different than when I was younger. Today, all I ask, is a safe environment, a decent pay with a consistent paycheck. And hours I can live with. Give me this for the next 10 years, and I can happily retire.

Temp friends I hope are anything but temporary friends. Already we have lost a few and sadly although promised, we do not stay in touch. Life goes on. New office friends, etc. Which is fine. I have met a few though, that I would be very disappointed to have lost touch with. (you know who you are!). I have lovingly been dubbed the "Office Mom". Not just because I am old enough to be Mom to several of them. But, because I care. I have a reputation of making sure everyone is okay, needs are meet, advice is given, and hugs are always available.
I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to become friends with these co-workers. I know that I have learned through them, and appreciate that they have become a part of my life. To get along and know someone has your back.
Today, being a Temp isn't the same as it was twenty years ago. Temps back then typically worked temporary positions because they enjoyed working for a couple of weeks/months covering a maternity leave or vacationing regular employee. You "wanted" to work, now and then, and not be committed to a "regular" shift kind of job.
For me, I keep hoping my temp position will turn into a permanent one. Or lead me to one in this corporation.

A Perfect Day for Pampering!

Yesterday we awoke to a normal dark chilly morning. Within 24 hours we were awaking to 6 inches of a bright blanket of snow. My intentions were to stay home, do laundry and clean the house. My sweet hubby changed my mind rather quickly. Instead he whisked me off to get a Spa Manicure/Pedicure and lunch in Broad Ripple at one of my favorite places.
Ahhh, what a beautiful day!

Collections of who I Am

I am a collector.

I like stuff.

I like things that bring a smile. I like things that reflect parts of me.

I remember my Great Grand Mother, had bright primary dishes when I was young. Many years later I "rediscovered" Fiestaware. It is my dinnerware choice. I can never have enough of the different colors. My table settings are festive and fun. I remember vaguely My Great Grandmother saying she like the variety of bright colors. (I gratefully have a few of her pieces, within my collection). I have China too, but my love goes to the Feistaware.
I love baskets. I am ashamed to say I have more than a few. But, I use every one! They each have a purpose! Especially the ones my cat loves to sleep in! (Rocky is in one now!)
You already know I collect photos... I can't ever seem to have enough of them. I like REAL photographs. Yes, I download and have many only in the computer. But, my true loves sit in albums, photo boxes, picture frames, and those useful Basket.
Books...Books are my friends! How could I not collect them? Yes, I borrow and give away, but some have to be kept. They are re-read, referenced to, loaned out, and a wonderful reminder of stories, facts, and memories.

I have alot of this and that. Fiction and Non.

A bunch of Children's Books in storage that are waiting to be brought back to life with Grandchildren (many years from now!)

You can find books on shelves, tables, counters, in cabinets, and yes, in baskets too. I like to display them along with "stuff".

I have a lot of stuff. Sergio sometimes call it clutter. BUT I see him sometimes looking at an ornament, an art object the girls had made once upon a time. I see him smile at this clutter stuff. And of course photos are tucked within the books & stuff too.
Strange, (nah...make that more interesting) stuff, are my collections like... stuff in jars and vases. I have jars with change, cups, & vases full of pens and colored pencils. I have an interesting jar full of the girls old toys and even ballet slippers. Funny.. I never could part with these items. Part of my desire to hang on to them I think is because I can. I remember when my sister Julie, and her family lost their home to a fire, it was the little things gone that hurt the most. Maybe, in turn, it made me appreciate them more. That and they are just so darn cute!

I have a cylinder vase with 27 beautiful stones. They each represent the young adults that went through my confirmation groups. Each young adult, chose a stone to represent themselves. I cherish these stones. They are a part of me & I hope that I am a part of these kids. Little reminders to pray for each one of these lovely young people. There is also a jar next to the cylinder, of old jewelry. The watch I got at high school graduation, ear rings from Deb's wedding, some of my Mom's & Grandma Kitty's "junk" jewelry, Disney jewelry that the girls wore, my ski pins, Realtor pins, gold chains, and charms. I could never turn the "good stuff" in to GOLD FOR CASH! I like it mixed together in this jar.
I could go on, but this has gotten quite long already. Recently I had a Partylite & Wine party. Several friends stopped by. One work friend, walked around looking at many of my displays and "stuff". she smiled and said, "Janis, I have learned so much about who you are looking around. I can tell God & family are very important to you. I like what I see. I am glad I have gotten to know you more." I said that's good right? She laughed and said, "Oh yeah, that is good!" Thank you M. that and you, made me feel very special.