dear friends...

dear friends...
Allow me to explain my heavy heart.
On a day we bid farewell to the best president we have ever been graced with.
My confusion..  my disappointment... my wtf moments...
My plan was to stay away from social media, television, print, and radio for the most part & try to wrap my head around what just happened.  But to my dismay, I am witnessing some changes already that are fucking terrifying me.

Let me step back for a few minutes and set my stage.

My Maternal Great Grandmother... I remember growing up & her tell me stories of women's suffrage.  She grew up understanding it.. IT actually started in 1848 but not until 1920 was it ratified. 1920! My Great Grandmother had incredible stories to tell me.  I felt so blessed to have her throughout my childhood into young adult.
My Fraternal Great Grandmother... got pregnant as a teen and had a shot gun wedding.  So did her daughter, her son, and her granddaughter... these women were not whores.. they were young women that did not have contraception....It wasn't available.  Some of these weddings lasted, some did not...
The women in our lives went through many hard pregnancies and miscarriages.  They did not have options.
My Father... has been handicap since I was nine months old.  I grew up witnessing how the world evolved in prejudice of those that are not as "capable" as a regular Joe. I now am his caregiver and he resides in Assisted Living. Where might I add... even though he worked his entire life.. and never took disability... he now uses a small supplement from medicaid

My Mother... had to grow up fast, from having a mentally unstable parent being bounced from home to home, molested as a teen, and having a marriage to a "crippled" husband & two daughters under the age of three by time she was 22 yrs AND deal with a woman's place in the 60's. She passed away four years ago at the age of 71.

My childhood... slightly dysfunctional (see above), throw in a mentally unstable Grandmother that lives with your household, being too thin, too tall & having a speech impediment, being bullied (from being called Daughter of Frankenstein, to getting beat up daily for 2 years from a neighbor boy while not one single other kid/friend stepped in and stopped it (better her than I), to being molested by adults you are suppose to be able to trust, suicidal parents, and financial dismay. I have a couple of years of college under my belt.

My family... my husband of 30 years is Hispanic.  Born in Mexico. He  has been both a laborer as well as white collar professional.. in fact a highly respected leader. He has worked harder than anyone I have ever met.  Recently retired, but still never stops working.  Our daughters, both adults, are college graduates.  One an amazing teacher that is ready to leave the field because of our broken Indiana system...  The other has spread her winds across the country putting her roots into a new territory, find her place in the marketing world as a Designer for a Marketing company. I remember as they grew up having to check their race on forms....chose to select their race depending on their mood. White. Hispanic. Mixed or bi-racial.  Depends on the day. Although... did you know Hispanic isn't even a category now?  My husband & I did a wonderful job raising strong women. They are open minded.  They are kind.  They are smart and they are sensitive. They are not judgmental.

For more recently I have survived being kicked down a bit too, but I have a strong support system.
I understand being a Christian /Catholic
I understand being a Wife & marriage
I understand being a Parent
I understand Teaching & a Youth Counselor
I understand being a Friend
I understand being a Care Giver & supportive staff
I understand depression & mental health better than many.
I understand what it's like being a minority and what it is like to be married to a minority
I understand how to be respectfully different yet equal.

For many years I have worked with people that have disabilities, differences and or situations that may not be thought as the norm.
I currently work in an industry that health care dictates who what & when a patient can get their medical supplies.  Many depend on Obama Care & had nothing prior.

For the past few months since the election.. I am so appalled at what I have witnessed. It seems some people generally feel they now have a free pass to being a bully. Well, why not? The American people have elected a bully to be our leader.
Wow.
Seriously... wow.
Obviously not everyone feels the same as I.
Give him a chance! We didn't react the way you democrats did when we had to accept Obama. Ohhh. My apologies. I never remember Barack Obama using bully tactics or speaking ill of those less fortunate. Never disrespectful or rude.
Say what you will. I know what I know. I know how I feel. Over the past few months I've felt pretty beat up & even betrayed.
Not just from those who feel they can justify being rude & bullies. But much to May dismay... the lack of others standing up against it.
The fact that some of my FB friends choose to not like a post I put out there I can certainly live with. The fact that my friends want to like a negative comment toward my beliefs and even worse... like someone's derogatory post "because.. oh come on... it's funny!" The lack of respect... the pure meanest...
It pulls me right back...
To the 60's as I attempted to get a drink from a fountain & told I can't because it's for "colors"... I have to drink from the other one...
also in the 60's having an Aunt that was forced by her parents to get a back alley abortion because they were not legal... this was not her choice but her parents. she was underage, just a puppy-love teenager that didn't realize she could get pregnant the first time having sex... but her parents were not going to allow her to be a pregnant teen...
To the 70's getting beat up every day for two years by a bully... a boy mind you... telling a terrified slinky girl it's time for my daily beating... and not one school-bus friend stopping it.
To being molested and not being protected..
To having a boyfriend that occasionally hit me... but only when drunk...
In the 80's when I was 18, I went to Planned Parenthood to get educated more about birth control, safe sex, and be smart PRIOR to becoming sexually active. They provided me with birth control because I was a poor college girl with a boyfriend...
When I married a
This election... it was personal.

catching my breath

Sometimes finding my voice is so complex.  What once was channeled into words has become silent, censored, and even failed. I was so comfortable with my blog, and expressing myself, until I found some loved ones hurt, confused or embarrassed by what came so easily flowing across the keyboard. Rest assure, my intentions were never to hurt anyone.  I merely felt an outlet of expression and well, validation.  I have this heavy filter weighing itself on everything I type now.

So, carefully I am going to attempt to re-find my voice, and pray that others allow me to speak. Perhaps even cheer me on. I am still a work in progress.  Even at 54... I still have many of the same self esteem issues I did at 12, and then some! The blog was a tool for coping. A way to help me breathe and know that my life is really not so different from others.  So regardless to what we are fighting, what we are challenged with and even what we are Blessed with, while different from each other are also the same. Some of the best support I found were from women I may have never "really" met, but I feel understand me and love me nonetheless. I could openly express feelings and be honest. Something I am not always so comfortable with my loved ones.

So with that... I take a deep breath... and start to JUST BREATHE JANIS

It has been a while since I have really written.  I mean really written from my heart. Life has been a whirlwind. Sometimes a fucking tornado. But I am a survivor. Since my daily writings, a few years ago, so bare with me as I come back.

I am starting with several of my drafts that lingered unfinished.  This is actually one of them.  I started this draft 3 years ago, but didn't complete, didn't find the strength to post.  It's like I fell off the horse and frightened to jump back on. The longer I wait, the harder it will be.  I will find my voice again.  I will find my cheerleaders & friends in this wonderful Blog World that truly saved me when I most needed it...

So with that, Hello Blog World. I think I have caught my breathe & ready to jump back on.
Xoxo