stifle

I have been quite for some time.  Slowly my writing was suffocating as I was told to repress... I needed to stop embarrassing others with my thoughts.  I needed to suck it up, constraint myself from expression, and shut the fuck up.

I was merely writing what was in my heart and going through my brain, however... some people took it personal... feeling exposed, or worried I would make myself look ridiculously stupid.  If I "feel the need to write", then why couldn't I keep it private?  Why did I feel I needed to blog? 

Because... it allowed me to breathe.

I wasn't attempting to expose.  I was simply giving my outlook, my two cents, my point of view of how life was for who I am and how I came to be.  In the process, I did on occasion feel validated.  I felt proud, and I felt myself growing and flourishing.

Just Breathe Janis, was never intended to call people out, show off or even to gain pity.  For me, years ago, my Aunt Linda, Grandma Kitty, and sister Julie use to tell me WRITE your story!  They were the recipients of many letters.... Some of my pre-historical blog entries. I had friends that loved my stories as well.  A friend use to beg me to enter them into Readers Digest.  My sister still encourages me to write... she never gave up on me. I have a Bestie, Sheri, who had started her Blog, Living with the Oldies, just a year prior to my launch. Watching her write was so therapeutic for her as well as lessons for all to learn to laugh rather than cry. When my therapist, Betsy, heard it was an outlet for me, she insisted I let it flow.

And so I did.
I wrote....
and I wrote.

Sometimes I could make others laugh, and sometimes cry.  Sometimes I would endorse things I found to enjoy. While other times I just had to put things out there.  My life was far from perfect and blogging made me realize I was not alone.

Three events took place that made me pull the plug a few years ago.
Three important relationships were struggling severely...
I had a job change that was very intense about having anything personal easily accessible...
And my depression was evolving into something different.

I began to Just Stifle Janis.

I have DOZENS of un-published post, lingering like a thought in the back of your brain. Something always stopped me from finishing them and most certainly publishing them. I just couldn't unleash them anymore...  Too afraid of the consequences. I lost my voice.

I started reading less (I know! that alone is a disaster!).
 I felt myself, forgive me friends that this will bother... dumb down.  When I had to change my primary language... using my secondary language, I often found myself losing the power of words. Like when I wanted to say how beautiful, attractive, exquisitive, gorgeous, alluring,.... it's all the same word as pretty.  Which wasn't as powerful as I may have wanted to say. 

Recently, I felt the need to write submerge.  The words forming in my brain.... as I lie in bed, the stories unraveled.  Tonight, I have decided to face my challenges, and let myself BREATHE again.

So... bear with me, and my grammar stumbling as I jump back on this computer journal.  Feel free to comment.... I can even take the negative.  I am writing for myself.  If I help anyone else along the way, as so many have helped me... then please pay it forward. Maybe, we can make each others lives a little better with truthful words and raw emotions.

♪♪Day One♪♪

♪Well, I wish I had a short term memory
Wish the only thing my eyes could see
Was the future burning bright right in front of me
But I can't stop looking back

Yeah, I wish I was a perfect picture of
Somebody who's never not good enough
I try to measure up but I mess it up
And I wish I wasn't like that

I wish I wasn't wishing anymore
Wish I could remember that nobody's keeping score
I'm tired of throwing pennies in a well
I gotta do something
Here goes nothin'

♫It's day one of the rest of my life
It's day one of the best of my life
I'm marching on to the beat of a brand new drum
Yeah, here I come
The future has begun
Day one♫

Well, every single day Your grace reminds me
That my best days are not behind me
Wherever my yesterday may find me
Well, I don't have to stay there

See my hourglass is upside down
My someday soon is here and now
The clock is tickin'
And I'm so sick and tired of missing out

It's day one
And here comes the sun

Every morning, every morning
Every morning, mercy's new
Every morning, every morning
Every morning, I will fix my eyes on You
Every morning, every morning
Every morning, mercy's new
Every morning, every morning
Sun's coming up, the beginning has begun

Starting over, I'm starting over
Starting over, I'm starting over, starting now
I'm starting over
Starting over, I'm starting over
Starting over
Starting over, starting now
I'm starting over
♫♪♪♫

...and that is what is stuck in my head.
maybe a sign,
maybe I can get started again with writing.
life is good, and here comes the sun!