Monday, September 10, 2012

...little things

Last night as I brushed my teeth, I was reminded of something my Dad told me recently.

He said, "it's funny because it's the little things that make him miss Mom the most".

He told me over the 50 years he and Mom were married, some things she did just drove him nuts. (I'm quite sure he did her as well). He said, he always tried to get her to squeeze the toothpaste from bottom up.  She always just squeezed it from the middle and he hated that.  He constantly found himself "fixing" the tube, curling the end tightly to get every bit of the paste.  Now that he doesn't have Mom to share the toothpaste with, it makes him sad to see the tube as he left it, and not "messed up".

I thought about all the little things my own Hubby does, that drive me crazy.  And the things I do that drive him "nuts" as well.  One day, we will miss that.

My Dad is doing amazingly well since my Mom died.  He still blames himself.  He knows he was a "burden" and his demanding needs wore her down.  No matter how hard I try to explain it wasn't his fault, I can't change what he feels.

It's funny,  Because he can't convince me either that I wasn't to blame. Mom and I had a strained relationship to say the least.  I do not blame her for that.  Her illness, her mental state, is to blame.  She was sick, and did not mean the things she did.  Still I wonder if only I had done more, forced my presence into their lives, could I have changed the outcome?  Could I have made their lives more comfortable, less stressful?  Could I have convinced her to make different choices? Could I have given her what she needed?

I realize I can't change what happened.  And I can not put myself through the should of, could of, would of's.  Still, no matter how hard I try, I feel the pain of maybe I did not do enough.  I am a strong Christian believer that accepts, only God knows the day, hour, and minute, of our deaths. Our plan is in His hands and no matter what, we must find acceptance of what He has planned for our lives.

As I struggle to move forward and grieve her death, I also have been Blessed to have a second chance with my Father.  He has been put in my hands and I have showed him what I am capable of. He is thrilled with how things are going.  He is healthier than he has been in years.  He is laughing again, and I think he actually is enjoying life again.  He does miss Mom.  But he and I are getting through this together and in the process getting very close as we once were many years ago.  I am proud of him, and I believe he is proud of me.

One thing I have learned through my Mom's death, is not to take the little things for granted.  For these things are grander than we know.

8 comments:

Mark Pressley said...

nicely written!

Kristen In London said...

This is just lovely. I miss my dad terribly and wish so much I had taken more advantage of his wisdom and love while he was still able to give it. But like you, I'm forging an even stronger relationship with the parent I have left. Good for you!

Judy Miller said...

Nicely said! How wonderful the memories you and your Dad are making!

Teacup Mosaics said...

A sweet and honest tribute to your mom and dad, the best kind.
You express your thoughts in a wonderful way.
Kelley

Scott said...

I am so glad you and your father are again getting closer. It is a great gift for both of you. And you are right in not playing the could have, would have, should have game. You could not have changed your mother's illness. Things proceeded as they were meant, and perhaps had you not experienced those difficult times, you just might not be having this wonderful rebuilding period with your father. By the way, your last two blog entries have been some of my favorites.

Mimi Sue said...

It's so hard to think about what could've been and wasn't. We all just do the best we can and hopefully learn from our trials. I do know that your mom is in a much better place and she is whole and healthy. Prayers to you and your family. Mimi

themahoganyway said...

You are so right. I've been married going on 9yrs and realize I still have so much to learn. Thank you for the reminder that life is precious. I take my husband for granted all the time. I'm so glad that you and your dad are able to be close again. You have made me want to go hug my husband just because.

Julie Harward said...

Hi sweet friend, thanks for your visit. I think that in the next life there will be SO much love...people will have found healing and when they come together, there will be nothing but love. Have a wonderful Fall season Janis. :)