Saturday, March 31, 2012

Take It Down A Notch...

These are the words that are on the tip of my tongue.  My Mom is starting to step into the anxious/manic mode.  Frequent phone calls and emails are flowing to me as she is focused on a new crisis/challenge/adventure.  She is not capable of doing anything at a normal pace.  She does not think things through, she is impulsive, and makes decisions without thinking about the outcome.  In her defense, I know she can not help it, nor is she conscious of it.
This is how Mom is.
me, Mom & Dad around 1968

She has had a turmoiled life, full of dysfunction, tragedy, and unusual situations.  She is stressed.  She is manic.  She has been thought and even diagnosed to be bi-polar.  Manic Depressed. And the one I feel most fits her...
 Borderline Personality Disorder

It is an emotional roller coaster life that not only destroys her own life but those around her.  Especially those of us that love her.  My Sister and I refer to it as "The Vortex", fearing getting sucked into it, and ready to rescue or pull each other out when one of us start falling into it.

When Mom gets like this, it is difficult to figure the best way to handle.  My Heart tells me to love support and nurture her.  But my Brain tells me to remember feeding into it can help destroy her.  She doesn't see things for what they are and is quick to twist the reality into a distorted fabrication.

I worry about her.  I want to take care of her.  Keep her safe and sound. But I can't.  You truly can not help someone who is in this state of mind.  They want help...but not good help.  they want you to support and give in to a negative trap.  A ruin.  A stairway to hell. Things get worse and worse as you look the other way and then before you know it that problem has avalanche into a tragedy.

With my pretty rose colored glasses, I fix everything and we all live happily ever after.

Then realaity sets in and you know all you can do is hope and pray and be as loving and gentle but strong and resilient as possible.

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