Saturday, November 29, 2008

Always My Fault

When ever something doesn't go according to plan, it seems to be my fault. Seriously, my whole life I can recall either being told it's my fault or feeling as though it was.

As a child, I had a lot going on. The short of it is our family was dysfunctional. I remember thinking it was my fault when ever my parents fought. When I was 9 and my Dad attempted suicide. When my friends couldn't get along. My daily "beatings" as Jamie would put it, when he beat me up every day for a year 6th grade. When my family didn't get along. When I couldn't get a boyfriend. Etc. You get the picture.

As an adult, somehow that guilt thing followed me. I am 46 and still feel responsible for things going wrong. My loving family doesn't help. They tend to blame me as well. The girls get there smart mouth from me (ha ha!). The house isn't clean (guilty). The dog makes a mess. Something is missing. Dinners, or lack of them. Anytime somebody does something that someone else doesn't approve or understand in this household, my fault. My Dad's fourth attempt of suicide (remember from previous Suicide Blog), he even called to tell me it was my fault in case he suceed and couldn't tell me later (no wonder I am f*cked up). Money issues. Mailing in things. Scheduling appointments. Etc.

I think you get it.

I am so tired. I am mentally exahusted from the worry and words and the expectaions. I just want to throw my hands in the air and scream F*ck It!

When will I learn to relax and be calm? When will I learn to teach others that they are responsible for their own actions? When will I know my best is good enough and the world going to Hell is not my fault?

I want to be that person.

4 comments:

Linda said...

Dear Janis, I am praying for you and I care. I can relate to feelings of guilt though the circumstances were different. Warm regards, Linda

kim said...

I KNOW.....LOVE KIM

sroman said...

Your childhood WAS dysfunctional. But even though your immediate family may make you feel like everything is your fault, they love you and give you more credit than you realize.

I, on the other hand, had a totally charming childhood. And I've managed to put the fun back in dysfunctional for my entire adult life.

The only person who can convince you that everything is not your fault is you. But I will help.

janis said...

Thank you... I was in a dark place the other day and fine now. I know that I shouldn't blame myself for everything & my family doesn't mean to make me feel that way. I know I am blessed & keep reminding myself that God has a reason for me to be going through this. Your prayers are always welcomed! I know that your prayers help & I did have a beautiful Friday. And as far as Sheri, what would we do without each other? Our situations are different but we need each other so much as we are both facing new struggles.
I love you all.