When ever something doesn't go according to plan, it seems to be my fault. Seriously, my whole life I can recall either being told it's my fault or feeling as though it was.
As a child, I had a lot going on. The short of it is our family was dysfunctional. I remember thinking it was my fault when ever my parents fought. When I was 9 and my Dad attempted suicide. When my friends couldn't get along. My daily "beatings" as Jamie would put it, when he beat me up every day for a year 6th grade. When my family didn't get along. When I couldn't get a boyfriend. Etc. You get the picture.
As an adult, somehow that guilt thing followed me. I am 46 and still feel responsible for things going wrong. My loving family doesn't help. They tend to blame me as well. The girls get there smart mouth from me (ha ha!). The house isn't clean (guilty). The dog makes a mess. Something is missing. Dinners, or lack of them. Anytime somebody does something that someone else doesn't approve or understand in this household, my fault. My Dad's fourth attempt of suicide (remember from previous Suicide Blog), he even called to tell me it was my fault in case he suceed and couldn't tell me later (no wonder I am f*cked up). Money issues. Mailing in things. Scheduling appointments. Etc.
I think you get it.
I am so tired. I am mentally exahusted from the worry and words and the expectaions. I just want to throw my hands in the air and scream F*ck It!
When will I learn to relax and be calm? When will I learn to teach others that they are responsible for their own actions? When will I know my best is good enough and the world going to Hell is not my fault?
I want to be that person.
resolution of the blues and other matters
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