Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Haunting Images

This is going to be depressing so forgive me, I just have something heavy on my heart and want to get it out.

Today, I saw a TRACKER. It is a little SUV wannabe. I hate them. They make me think about the last time my father tried to commit suicide. This was a few years ago. He drove his Tracker around for an hour. Passing the same Train Trestle again and again. Until his timing, speed, and nerve was in sync. Then crashed the Tracker into the Trestle. Although, like his other attempts, it was just not his time. He gave himself substantial injuries, but nothing life threatening. After time in the hospital & rehab, he returned home, but with more pains and more handicap. Trestle make me sad too. This attempt was different than his past. This one was personal. The night before, he had made a phone call to me, letting me know what a disappointment I was. And that I was ungrateful. That I was mean. If anything should happen to him, it would be on my shoulders. My fault. Thanks Dad. I still love you. I sat with my Mom through Dad's surgery. Mom showed the nurse and I the pictures of the bloody Tracker. Thanks Mom, I still love you.

Years earlier, he hung himself in a hotel room. My uncle found him just in time.

Prior to that, he overdosed when I was about eight.

My cousin, Rob, in a depressed fit shot himself with a shotgun in his front yard with his common law wife and son in the house. Rob, bleed a slow, painful death.

My Mom's mother locked herself and my Mom (she was around 9) in a bathroom and slit both her wrist. She blocked the door but my Mom was able to crawl out of the window to get help.

I somehow can picture these events even though I was not there. I have also been known to have haunting visions of hurting myself. I wont hurt myself. I have more respect for myself and my own family. I also feel this is an unforgivable sin. I love my family, my husband and girls. I have a good life and I want to enjoy it for a very long time. I wish I could make the visions go away. Surely it is a combination of genetics and the dysfunctional childhood we had. I do not blame anyone. I love my parents and know they gave me the best they could. It is not any one's fault we are all a little crazy. Kook Koo as Sergio says :) You have to teach yourself to laugh or you will cry.

Yeah, we have a few skeletons in our closets. Just a few.

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