Sometimes finding my voice is so complex. What once was channeled into words has become silent, censored, and even failed. I was so comfortable with my blog, and expressing myself, until I found some loved ones hurt, confused or embarrassed by what came so easily flowing across the keyboard. Rest assure, my intentions were never to hurt anyone. I merely felt an outlet of expression and well, validation. I have this heavy filter weighing itself on everything I type now.
So, carefully I am going to attempt to re-find my voice, and pray that others allow me to speak. Perhaps even cheer me on. I am still a work in progress. Even at 54... I still have many of the same self esteem issues I did at 12, and then some! The blog was a tool for coping. A way to help me breathe and know that my life is really not so different from others. So regardless to what we are fighting, what we are challenged with and even what we are Blessed with, while different from each other are also the same. Some of the best support I found were from women I may have never "really" met, but I feel understand me and love me nonetheless. I could openly express feelings and be honest. Something I am not always so comfortable with my loved ones.
So with that... I take a deep breath... and start to JUST BREATHE JANIS
It has been a while since I have really written. I mean really written from my heart. Life has been a whirlwind. Sometimes a fucking tornado. But I am a survivor. Since my daily writings, a few years ago, so bare with me as I come back.
I am starting with several of my drafts that lingered unfinished. This is actually one of them. I started this draft 3 years ago, but didn't complete, didn't find the strength to post. It's like I fell off the horse and frightened to jump back on. The longer I wait, the harder it will be. I will find my voice again. I will find my cheerleaders & friends in this wonderful Blog World that truly saved me when I most needed it...
So with that, Hello Blog World. I think I have caught my breathe & ready to jump back on.
14 hours ago