Saturday, March 31, 2012

Take It Down A Notch...

These are the words that are on the tip of my tongue.  My Mom is starting to step into the anxious/manic mode.  Frequent phone calls and emails are flowing to me as she is focused on a new crisis/challenge/adventure.  She is not capable of doing anything at a normal pace.  She does not think things through, she is impulsive, and makes decisions without thinking about the outcome.  In her defense, I know she can not help it, nor is she conscious of it.
This is how Mom is.
me, Mom & Dad around 1968

She has had a turmoiled life, full of dysfunction, tragedy, and unusual situations.  She is stressed.  She is manic.  She has been thought and even diagnosed to be bi-polar.  Manic Depressed. And the one I feel most fits her...
 Borderline Personality Disorder

It is an emotional roller coaster life that not only destroys her own life but those around her.  Especially those of us that love her.  My Sister and I refer to it as "The Vortex", fearing getting sucked into it, and ready to rescue or pull each other out when one of us start falling into it.

When Mom gets like this, it is difficult to figure the best way to handle.  My Heart tells me to love support and nurture her.  But my Brain tells me to remember feeding into it can help destroy her.  She doesn't see things for what they are and is quick to twist the reality into a distorted fabrication.

I worry about her.  I want to take care of her.  Keep her safe and sound. But I can't.  You truly can not help someone who is in this state of mind.  They want help...but not good help.  they want you to support and give in to a negative trap.  A ruin.  A stairway to hell. Things get worse and worse as you look the other way and then before you know it that problem has avalanche into a tragedy.

With my pretty rose colored glasses, I fix everything and we all live happily ever after.

Then realaity sets in and you know all you can do is hope and pray and be as loving and gentle but strong and resilient as possible.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Oh There It Is!

Deb's Pansies

Last night as I was driving home from work at midnight, I felt something familiar. 
What is that?
Oh! Now I remember!
That feeling of being happy.

This emotion was on a sabbatical...a leave of absence.  Certainly not excused but for whatever reason... left the building, or in my case, left the body and mind.

It is difficult for me to reason with myself as I ponder the who what and especially whys...  I truly believe that EVERYTHING is for a reason, but that does not make a difficult situation any easier.  Sometimes, I am so....COME ON! REALLY? THIS TOO? ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE? JEEZ LOUISE!  Don't  I deserve a break?

This isn't gonna be a poor poor pitiful me post.  Let's just say, some stuff is over crowding my plate spilling over, therefore has caused some dreadfully dispensed tears. (Seriously!  I hate that so often my tears flow out of control. I'M NOT WEAK! It's just rather than words flowing...tears stream down my face when I am extremely stress/passionate/pissed/offended/etc etc etc.)

Juggling three or four stressful matters is hard enough, but when a handful of unexpected things are tossed in, I'm struggling.

I am finding what an extraordinary strength and prevalence I am capable of.  And I actually was able to use one of my "trials" as an example to one of my Dormies to help her see and grow herself.  Yes, we are sometimes meant to go through things so that others can learn from it and hopeful be in a better situation.

Back to last night...
So after a week of turmoil, and Hubby being out of town on business (meaning I had to toughen up by myself).
Yesterday, I was fussing about running late... 
As I arrived to my bank, irritated with myself for not being there 30 minutes earlier...The door is locked... What now?  Oh My! They just got ROBBED!

Oh My Gosh! Had I arrived when I meant to be there... I would have been stuck in the middle of a robbery!...
So much for banking today, but I'm good with that.  More time freed up for errands.
A difficult class situation proved to be not so bad.  Sometimes, showing that you are not going to stay down when pushed can show a certain character that demands respect. 
(no..not mine, but I like it)

I can continue to dust myself off, and get back up.

Some chaos {too be expected}, the last evening before spring break for a dorm full of kids that are ready for a week out of here.  I did get a pleasant surprise learning a favorite co-worker will be working more with me and our Dormies following Spring Break, giving me an ahhhhhh yes!

The day flowed way better than I expected. And as I was on that drive home, I really felt BLESSED.  I started car singing (oh so scary).  As I drove through the ghetto ...{yes I have to go through a ghetto type area}.. at midnight, mind you, I'm sure some of those sketchy characters that looked my way as I am blaring K-LOVE, Christian Music channel, and singing my little heart out
My God's not dead, He's surely alive
And He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion!

 That was when I felt that oh so familiar but distant emotion.
I think I prefer Happiness.
I think I will try to stay here awhile longer.

Just try to stop me!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Ha Ha Emily

Do you remember a few years ago when so many people not only jumped on board to proudly display their "Support for our Troops" yellow magnetic Ribbons on vehicles... but started doing an overload of support this or that...  Soon it seemed those dang ribbons were EVERYWHERE and in every color!
Now, please don't get me wrong.  I am all about Free Speech and encourage others to be passionate about their causes. 
Once my Besties and I went on a Girlfriends Weekend and were slightly overwhelmed by the over-abundance of Ribbon Power.  We were very politically incorrect at making it a humorous game to pass the time on the highway.
You still see ribbons here and there, but the "craze" has died down a bit.

Enter the new "Look at my statement on my car" fad.
I am sure you have seen them....  Look, this family has six kids.  Oh and how cute... I know what they like by the props they have.
It gets a bit overly TMI, don't you think?
And as my daughter says.... what a stupid way to let pervs know about the fact you have kids , pets, and what you do.  It's like an invitation to your vulnerability.

My daughter hates these, as much as I hated the ribbon power.

So, being mischievous, as I am.... I found some to tag her car. 
Emily loves her cat. Her fat cat.  So, we knew we had to include Izzy.
Sunday she was over for dinner and I had my opportunity to be sneaky.
So freakin' cute!  So funny!  I text her Sis to let her know I finally got them on her car (I have had them since Christmas!)  I keep laughing thinking about tagging her and hope that plenty of time past before she will discover it.

Yesterday, I get a call from her (she is completely cracking up) demanding to know when I did this.  I deny and act like I have no idea what she is talking about.  She discovered while returning to her car after work.. I can't lie... she has so caught me!  We have a good laugh. she has removed them.
Later, she texted me this photo to show they didn't go to waste.. They now reside on her laptop :)

Saturday, March 17, 2012

What A Day!

Bandit telling me his side of this story
I had one of those...
OH MY GOSH! kind of days.
I could probably make this into six different post but I will try to reduce it into one.
I'm not even sure where to begin...
Might as well start with the beginning...
 I fell asleep around 3 am (problem sleeping whenever Hubby is out of town). I woke early to the sound of my cell phone  ringing at 4:39am. It was my youngest daughter (away at college).  Now, anyone with college children know the drill...
{WTH? the phone is ringing? OMGosh.. it's my daughter! what's wrong?}
but when I answered... silence... no voice, no sounds, nothing. It hangs up... I call her back and it goes to voice mail... I try again... and again... then I try texting... again... and again.
Somehow, I calmed myself, and actually feel back to sleep after much prayers!
At 7:22am I receive a text telling me, she thinks she must have "sleep called" me... strange child of mine. 

Made me think of my college roommate, Angela... and the MANY nights, she amused herself talking to me when I was asleep.  Apparently I was a chatty sleeper and you could get ALL kinds of honest information out of me when I was asleep. Quite entertaining so I am told.

Back to my day.. so relieved she was okay!
I "woke" up at 8:30am to start my day. (okay...hang on.. I am sure some of you are wondering, what the heck? 8:30? LAZY! But let me explain, I get off work at midnight, therefore I am entitled to a later morning).. So, I get up, have my cup of Joe, read some emails, fed the pets, take out the Dogs, and jump in the car to head to my 10am appointment with Betsy's.  If you are not a follower from way back, you may wonder who's Betsy.  She is my wonderful Angel ~ Therapist... that has taught me valuable coping skills and helps me to stay sane as well as keep things in check.
Great Session! whoa I love this Gal!  I'm on the right path & always feel fabulous after my Betsy hour.  See you in 6 weeks Betsy!

Now, I have just enough time to swing by Target before heading to my ASL classes, so in I pop.  They have WONDERFUL Dollar Deals, and to my pleasure the Dollar Easter Socks are in. So I pick up a couple dozen for my "Girls" to have (I am becoming, "that Dorm Supervisor that always gives out Holiday socks").  Which is fine, as you can never have too many socks & the girls get a kick out of them. 

I realize as I am in line to pay that I have to go pee really bad.  I am standing there doing my Kegals to keep myself together.  I think to myself, do I really want to go into that public restroom?

I can hold it! At lest till I get to class.
As I am walking to my car in the parking lot I feel myself sprinkle as I take each step. I arrive to my car...with a big wet spot in my crotch.


Did I really just pee myself?

Well, that is some serious... "Becoming an Oldie situation!"

So much for getting to class... I have no choice but to go home and clean up.

You'd think that would be enough...
lets move along to 1:00pm...

We live in a neighborhood that is picky about fences.  The type of fence I am allowed to place would cost us big bucks for the full back yard.  Not gonna happen. So, unfortunately, I am a Hillbilly that attaches my dogs leashes to a long tie down leash outside.  My Dogs LOVE being outside.  We hate having to keep them leashed but, well, Bandit is not real bright, and Riley gets very into scents (she is a Coon hound) and they will take off. We have been using this method for two years, as we debate buying the "Fence" or attempting the "Invisible Fences".
The Dogs were enjoying the sunshine, No barking, just relaxed and happy. They have managed to slip off the main leash a couple of times, but never venture past a neighbor house. Dakota, the little guy, does not require a leash. He stays put although he can be an instigator.
I stepped inside for 5 minutes.
Then I checked on them. Dakota was a nervous Nelly, and Riley & Bandit were GONE.
I mean GONE.

I'm running around calling them. No barking, no howling.
I start to feel panicky.
I jump in the car and spin around the block.
Not a Pup in sight.
I drive around again adding the additional streets.
our neighborhood (we are "A")
Where the Heck did my Babies go?
I have asked every person I see in the neighborhood and NO ONE HAS SEEN THEM...
I exit the neighborhood and circle the exterior perimeter slightly terrified.
I start back into the neighborhood & receive a call. It's a Los Angeles number so I let it go to voice mail  (I'm a little busy).  Then I get another call, this one is from my Veterinarian. I you have our Dogs? Jenn (Vet Tech) says we have Riley... a Good Samaritan picked her up running down the middle of Brookville Road (very busy street with 55 speed limits).  Riley was with Bandit, who apparently was hit by a car...
He ran off though, she wasn't able to get him in her car, although big ole' Riley was tired of this adventure and more than happy to get her 110 pound butt in the nice lady's car.
Riley was taken to our Vet's Office, one of the Gals that work there headed out looking for my Bandit, as I also continued the search... I pulled off the side side of the road, where Bandit was last seen, calling & searching...but where did my Bandit go?
I get another call...
"Hi, I think I may have your Dog..."
Is he okay? Where are you? I will come now!
Turns out, Bandit headed South after Riley got picked up.  Met another Dog and followed it home. The man that called, happened to have been a cilent of mine from my Real Estate days. He said Red, (the Dog that brought Bandit home) was a stray that he & his wife befriended & started feeding.  He came up the drive-way with Bandit. They found us through his tags.
I thanked him, loaded my very happy to see me but very exhausted Dog into the car & headed to the Vet.  Bandit has a couple of skinned spots on his leg, but other than than he is fine!  We picked up Riley who was very thrilled to see us.She started HOWLING as soon as she heard my voice.
I brought them home for a good long nap.
safely home

All this took place within one hour.

Off to work.
Now, work stuff I have to be careful what I am allowed to say. So I am gonna try to be brief but give you an idea of the craziness of the day.
Staff meeting... Grab vehicle keys & paperwork for off campus outing, open Dorm
Roll call, get Girls off to practices, take some to another Dorm and take one with me to get vehicle
At Med Check, for a Resident's Physical appointment, fill out a TON of paperwork, get parent on phone to talk to Med Check person, interrupt for my Girl, get HALF WAY FINISHED when they stop the check up & inform me they have made a serious mistake, and can not complete this.  She can not continue here due to out of network and an insurance issue (although, I have already paid out of pocket personally).  Without going into detail, I got reimbursed, and we left, two hours wasted.
Arby's with my disappointed Girl, talk about possibilities so we can get her IHSAA forms completed and get her playing her team sport. 
Back to work, met with supervisor, take care of my 15 residental Girls, talk to three parents, dissolve some high school girl drama, meeting with supervisors & Dorm Counselor on an issue, tuck my Girls in, clean up Dorm, fill in Night Dorm Supervisor, and clock myself out.

12:30 - 2:30am
Get home, shower, chat with Hubby on phone, (he's in Detroit), grab a glass of wine & LOVE my Dogs.

As crazy as it was, I know it could have been a REALLY HORRIBLE Day.  So many things could have happened...
My Dogs! My precious spoiled Dogs could have been lost, hurt, or killed.
So I peed myself... probably not the last time and
my girlfriends and I have gotten quite a laugh over it.
Work craziness... I may not have gotten accomplished what I sat out to do, but I tried, and I did have a bonding experience with one of my Girls. She will survive and prehaps can get this issue resolved. It gets caotic but it also is wonderful. I love love love this job.  It brings me so much joy.

This all had a lot of value as well. I appreciate the good when I remember that things don't always go as planned. I have once again learned the value of laughing can help you through ANYTHING.
Life is good.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


I stumbled a bit this week. 
A couple of things tripped me up.
BUT... It's all good.
There was a time not so long ago, I could not handle stumbling.  Be it small and personal or something major upsetting me enough to take quite a tumble.

Not so long ago, I would get panicky... frustrated... or overwhelmed.

I would struggle with the stumbling and need help back up.

Things have changed for me.
I still stumble...
Things happen that, well, darn it, wasn't a part of the plan I HAD. 

Something has changed in me.  Something for the better.  Now, I can look past the tumbles and trip ups.

Even if I still get scraps and bruises.
I know I will be okay.

I think I have learned to take things with a little salt...
I have learned that maybe, just maybe, I needed that little trip...
You see, I have learned to make that stumble a part of the plan. Turn it into.. I meant that... kind of like, when you start to stumble and turn it into a goofy dance. 
That's where I am today.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Daylight Savings Time

Don't forget to set your clocks back tonight!

I HATE daylight savings time... We didn't always do daylight savings time... Hoosier just started around 2007. It's so stupid and I still can't adjust to it.

I want them to leave the time alone.

It gets too confusing. Didn't we just change our clocks not that long ago?

I love clocks though...

This one is the Kit Cat Clock, Annie got me for Christmas.  Isn't it grand? I love watching the eyes & tail move back and forth.  I want to get another for the Dorm I work at. My girls would love it.

It's a good thing I have Pinterest to create a clock page. Otherwise I would have a room like this dedicated to clocks.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


Last Friday I had an eye appointment (Don't you hate that they make you come every year just to renew your contacts?). Anyway, apparently age is really creeping up on me.  For the past year I have been attempting to supplement my contacts with readers when necessary. Dr Warner, introduced me to a new contact concept called Monovision. 
Monovision means wearing one contact lens that corrects only distance vision in one eye, and wearing another lens that corrects only near vision in the other eye.
I'm up to the challenge.

It's been four days... I really am trying... but this just isn't working too well for me. 

1st... I feel the contacts in my eyes.  They are not fitting my curvature of the eye. 
2nd... these are 30 day contacts (because as Dr Warner, said, I am a Contact Abuser, not a Contact User), and they are suppose to be more "breathe-able".
3rd... Whooa!  I am still feeling that Vertigo feeling... I have to shut my left eye to see up close, the right to see close.  Working with people that sign to converse I really need my vision to be see clearly regardless as to if the person is in front of me or 20 feet away.  No room for the fuzziness. One word can be mis-intrupted too easily!

He warned me these are not for everyone.  He told me that many just can't adjust to the training of your eyes. But, I wanted to be of that few percentage that is a great success candidate. I embraced the new lenses.  Looked forward to my 2nd appointment, where I could order and be on my way.

I don't think this is gonna happen.

They are driving me crazy, and I have 3 more days...

I miss my old contacts.  I don't care if I must wear the readers too.  Maybe I will try the bi-focal contacts. Anyone have luck with them?


I wish I had perfect vision! Why is lasik  surgery so expensive and not covered by my insurance?


Saturday, March 3, 2012

Once Again...Crazy Indiana Weather

March always has surprises for us Hoosiers.  I can remember wearing shorts in March... and I remember wearing coats in March.  We always have our rain boots ready for March, and sometimes we get to pull out sandals.
You just never know in Indy.

Yesterday was my daughters first "evening" of Spring Break.  It also is the first Spring Break whereas my Girls are not running off to some warmer climate such as Florida or Texas to "celebrate SB".  College Spring Break Style... But not to be for them this year. While many of their buddies loaded up for some fun in the sun, my girls will be home in Indiana.  Annie will be working in Muncie, as her Summer Abroad Program to London nears.  Emily is also working, as a Student Teacher here in Indianapolis, with her 1st graders that will not have Spring Break for a few more weeks.

Back to the weather...
Yesterday was one of those CRAZY  WTH? kind of weather days.  The sun didn't shine much and when it did peek out it was eerie.  We had wild thunder storms, strong winds and big booty hail.  And the tornadoes ripped across the Southern part of our state as well as Kentucky, Ohio and Illinois.
Henryville IN 3.2.12
The photos circulating are amazing.  I can't even imagine what it would be like to capture such strength on film. I so appreciate them sharing their talent with us to see.

We have been close to tornadoes but never in a devastating situation like you see on the news.
I remember a few years back, Tornadoes ripping within a mile of us, tearing through a nearby neighborhood as well as shopping area. Damage everywhere.  That day I was doing laundry. I had the windows opened and remember a strange hot breeze coming through (in March). I returned into the laundry room, where I heard a faint train sound... reappearing into the kitchen to see that our trampoline was gone. The weights were still in our yard, but the trampoline was completely gone, as well as the top of three of my neighbors pine trees.  We later found the trampoline two doors over, mangled into twisted metal. We were so lucky.
I also remember as a child, a friend being caught in the middle of one.  She was hiding in the hall closet... the hinges of the door ripped across her (scarring her), but not as badly as the sight she saw of their rabbit pins flying as well as her dog...

Living in the Midwest, we do get a variety of weather changes. We get 4 seasons, in which I very much appreciate..

Today in Indy we had a high of 37 and a low of 27.  Annie and I saw snow earlier on the north side.  Last week, I didn't even need a jacket! My tulips and daffodils started raising their little green stems and I am hoping this cold front doesn't destroy them.

I am so ready for Spring!

Only in the Midwest!