Sunday, October 9, 2011

the storms

***fotenote~ to my blog friends that only like to read the good, and funny.. you might want to walk away now... this is a little of the ugly***

I have been very hesitate to write some of these feelings and thoughts.  My biggest fear is to hurt or offend someone. Especially someone I love.  But I struggle with... why I started my blog, how I wanted to write about the good, the bad & the ugly. How life throws different things but how we learn to cope and journey forward.  Turning the negative into positive.
I have always tried to be careful what I write. Particularly because of my girls, Emily & Annie. I would never want to embarrass them. They have grown into extraordinary young women, and I could not possibly be more proud of them.
I have gotten negative response on occasion from readers not liking hearing my darker side of life. I have also gotten positive response on how some of the dark helps them as well. So weighing it out.. today, anyway, I will share some thoughts about the not so fun and exciting part of my life that I am dealing with.

I am struggling with my relationship with my parents. I love them so much.  I yearn to have a close relationship. 
For those of you that are fortunate enough to have a Blessed relationship, I am so glad for you! I am overjoyed to know that it does exist and can only pray that my children and their families will feel Blessed to be close to Hubby and I. I try very hard to stay focused on that and perhaps we try harder to make for a calm and peaceful "homelife" so this will be an end result of a "happier family". 

Unfortunately, because of mental illnesses and things that just can not be fixed, neither my husband or myself have that with our parents.  It isn't, "something that happened or something said". It isn't grudges and it isn't resentment. It isn't neglect or even selfishness. 
It is what it is.

As I approach 50, I would love nothing more than to have a close relationship with my parents. I realize that they are only human and can not live forever. I have friends that have lost their parents and miss them so.  Would do anything to hug them again, to have them to love again. Sometimes, I think I am heading there with my parents... I will be talking to them daily, I will be under the impression things are improving and going well.  I will be at that point where I am ready to open up more and embrace them, but then IT happens.

The storm arrives.

Hello manic depressed bi-polar crazy pod person that has invaded my loved one.
The words you say.
The actions you take.
Even after all these years, I am still surprised how they hurt and affect me.
I know you are not my loved one. That person is buried deep within.  That person would never hurt someone so much.

No wine. No magic pill. Nothing to make it go away.

Sometimes, I just have to sit and wait for the storm to take its course and pray the damage isn't too bad.

How dreadful.

Thankfully, I do have so much love and support. My Sis understands what I go through more than anyone can as she too has to live this. I love you Sis and grateful to have you. My Hubby is so supportive and is my rock. Poor Guy just wants to find a way to fix things for me when we know there isn't anything we can do.  Then my daughters... my precious daughters. I promise I will never put you through this. Please know with the right tools, even disorders such as these can be manageable.

I don't need sympathy.  I don't need advice about being positive.
blah blah blah.
I just wanna vent now and then. I will move on.

i promise to post something fluffy soon!

8 comments:

B. WHITTINGTON said...

Thanks so much for sharing this.
LIfe isn't all laughter and light like some people would like it to be.
Just know, Janis, in spite of what your parents are or are not, YOU are worthy of love. Their love and the other loves you have in your life.
As we grow older we realize more and more what we have to do to preserve and save ourselves from others. I'm still learning at 66.
Every family has some dysfunction or other and we each seem to fight our own battles.
My parents are gone. I had a wonderful relationship with my mother. Not all my family did.
Relationships are all twisted and convoluted and we will never understand them. Just realize you are not at fault here.
Sending blessings and prayers. Barb

Mark Pressley said...

Hey kid I wont give advice or support but will tell you that you are not alone. I understand Sergio also and like your blog for similar reasons as I want to fix things like this for Nancy and I can not.

I always remind her this is not about you it is their issue not yours, and we are your family now and we love you.


Hang on to your immediate family it is the support you need.

Peace

rosaria said...

We're all a work in progress, sometimes flawed and fragile, still lovable and loving if given the chance. Mental illness is tougher than physical illness. Not easy to address.

Brutus said...

Jan - your writing skills have grown. The ability to ientify the varying layers of complicated emotionally charged issues and then to stand back and to organize all those heavy thoughts into brief concise direct phrases seems to have greatly improved. Actually, for both you and your sister.

Anonymous said...

My mother died when I was young, that was basically the end of my childhood, my dad went to pieces, we were taken from him, never to see him much in any of our lives, big family of kids, no wife, no money, heartbroken took to alcohol..Sent to many foster homes, went to live with my maternal grandmother for only 2 years and nearly 11 months, she passed away, my world shattered but I survived..I am not close at all with any of my siblings, have not spoken to any maybe once in 33 years living here, have lived in our home 33 almost 34 years..I only consider my husband my family and our only child..Lots of drama in our family and mental illness too and alcohol and poverty..Not for me, I made my mind up to not be with that crap at all, I like myself I am getting older and I don't like to be reminded of the family I came from at all, I had nothing to do with their mental illness, criminal backgrounds, and their no parenting of kids, with no husband or partner(s)..So I decided that my sweet husband and eventually our sweet angel of a daughter would be the only family and I have been happy ever since..Friends are nicer to me and have always been for that matter, I choose my friends and they choose me, I don't have to be around lousy people who choose to live a lousy way! I never let my only child meet them or be around them for fear they would smoke and I don't mean cigarettes and say something to get me riled up, I had them over to our new home they acted like jackasses and I opened the door and said Get Out, they never ever came back, changed our phone to an unlisted number and never heard from them again..I have been far happier since that day, one person contacted me for money I said good luck with that and get out of my life or I will call the police, that is the last I ever heard from them..a bunch of losers I don't need..You are brave to speak of your family, I never ever do to even close friends, just too too painful, I have my family my husband and daughter that is all anyone needs to know..Keep believing in yourself, if your family truly wants to be nice to you and reconcile or see you they should get their act together and act nice..Manners are indeed a lost art..take care..be brave, and keep up a great blog..just saying!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lori ann said...

i feel the pain in your words and can only offer a hug and shoulder, i don't always comment, but i always listen.
wherever your parents have failed, you have been blessed. i've 'known' you for a long time now, and you are one of the sweetest most compassionate people on earth.
xxx

the cake chick said...

Oh Janis, I wish you had what you long for. I love your honesty. This is your space, do it how you want. I have had to come to terms with difficult family stuff too. As you know, you will find your way for better or for worse. It is so difficult being rational in a sea or irrationalness. It can be exhausting. I know sometimes I want to yell, why do I have to be the rational person all the time? It is exhausting!
Just know that you are in my thoughts.

JC said...

Vent away ... my Mom had her ups and downs and my sister is well, worse than Mom. I actually have given up on her. So, I do know how it goes ...