Thursday, December 16, 2010

self worth? what is it worth?

 { self-worth- the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect}


So strange how one can have so much going for themselves and from the outside appear to have it together, when truly inside feel as if they are dying and full of doubt.

Picture perfect.
Nice house. Great husband. Beautiful successful children. Accomplished with work and service.

Inside, dark, sad and full of discontentment.

melancholy.

I can't make these feelings go away.
I certainly can (and do) make it better. I have wonderful coping mechanisms I use, I remember that I can't nor should I feel, I can fix things. Also, I take medication. 

It's the holidays, that make things feel worse. This is a season of joy. Of family and friends. Of celebrating the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. I am full of shame to feel this way at a time of celebration and joy. I am full of doubt, of my self worth.

I'm giddy of the arrival of my college daughters. Of them staying for a few weeks. Of getting to have them with us. Of getting to see the wonderful young women they have become.  But... I am also frightened. I have a habit of having high expectations and getting let down when things go awry.  My husband will be expecting them to be perfect. Or at least see things the way he does... When they don't (and they won't), he will blame me. The girls will then get mad at him, which he will get madder at me, as he thinks, "you girls always gang up on me. it's three to one." Regardless to the content of the subject. He will also tease me, which for the past 25 years he has felt I should not get mad, as he does it "lovingly" and he has forever, so I should be use to it by now. It's usually, nothing or very little & should not bother me, but, for the past 25 years, he KNOWS it bothers me & I wish he'd stop. It's just not funny to me.

Family will gather. And I will stress. Somebody will say something, do something. I will be the peacemaker.

Oh my gosh... when it rains, it pours...
I started this post earlier today. Since starting it, we discovered our car has been broken into, and yes things were stolen. Then the furnace tried to die... but Hubby scared that mean ole furnace into giving some more life into it.

The day has turned to evening.  Things already look brighter.  I hesitate to post this, especially since I am censored more now with readers that I don't want to take things wrong and over react.
But...
Truth be known, this is my life.
I promise myself to be honest.  I keep much to myself, but writing is so therapeutic. I know that I am not the only one that has these feelings.  I know that when I read others, and how they cope, how they made it better, I know I can too.  I hope that others feel that way when reading my blog.

I feel ten times better. Humor has helped. I'm about to indulge in a glass of White Zinfandel. That will help too. (Don't worry, I only have a glass now and then, never abuse and haven't gotten "tipsy" in many years.)

My lovely Therapist told me I must lower my expectations. I must accept things are GOING to happen. When they do, I need to say, "Oh, so that is the "Thing".  And Move On.  Funny.. It works.

I realize life throws us all surprises and disappointments.

Remember I am very grateful for my life, family, and faith. I just really need to work on that self worth thing.

7 comments:

Julie Harward said...

I have learned that lesson too...don't go around expecting great things all the time, it just doesn't happen. I would not let someone put me down ever though and the teasing...I would give it right back! LOL

Lori ann said...

i think you are a kind sweet giving lovely person and mom (and i'm sure wife).

i am the peacemaker too and sometimes it can feel tiring, although it can't be helped, the nuturing impulse is strong.

i hope that all the love you send out to everyone comes back tenfold to you, and that you can start with yourself my friend.
hugs, love :)
lori

p.s. your card made my day today! thank you so much!

Natalie said...

Don't ever censor for someone else. It is your blog, about your experiences.
Many people who have high expectations come from a home of high expectations and then marry someone with high expectations. 'Good enough' should really be good enough. From what I see you are certainly good enough.

Mark Pressley said...

That is those demons we have discussed, give them their minuet and then tell them to F—K off. You will be fine and the sun always comes back out.

JC said...

I hope your Holiday is peaceful with less stress than you might imagine.

Fire Byrd said...

When you have time after Christmass check out MIndfulness on the internet. it's the art of living in the moment and not hooking into the past or projecting into the future. Both of which are destructive. You are here right now in this moment. If it's a good moment then savour it. if it's bad then ask yourself can I change it right now.The answer is always yes.
Have a wonderful time with your family and a great Christmas
xx

Anonymous said...

Il semble que vous soyez un expert dans ce domaine, vos remarques sont tres interessantes, merci.

- Daniel