Monday, June 25, 2007

Tick Tock

Is anyone else slightly freaked out how time is flying by so quickly? I mean, I remember my elders saying, "enjoy youth, one day time will fly!" I remember thinking, "Yeah, right!". But here I am constantly saying, "Oh my Gosh! How did it get so late?" Or, "Yikes! I need 5 more hours today!".

It would help if I could be a little more organized. Time management, that's what I need. Or maybe just a couple more hours per day!

Living in Indiana, we recently joined in on Daylight Savings Time. Whatever, it's confusing, then weird to be daylight @ 9pm. It doesn't give me more time.

I probably would be alright if I just slowed down instead of taking more & more on. I can not seem to say, "enough!" Or even, "I 'll pass on that!" I have too much going on & therefore, forget to make time for what is really important. You would think I would learn by now.

I am going to try to slow down & enjoy... I just don't have time today, maybe I will start tomorrow.

Friday, June 22, 2007

spider web

My sister in law says that she believes the theory that family is much like a spider's web.

Beautiful and amazing how well put together. But if you look closer, you will see that it isn't as perfect as it first appeared. It must stick together & be strong. It has several pieces that go this way & that. Sometimes it breaks, but the spider will get right back to work, putting it back together. It is remarkable when a spider web gets destroyed, then the next day, it has been reconstructed, a little different, usually a little stronger. The spider is very determined.

I see that. I get it, but I also see it differently.

Sometimes I try to remember her telling me that little theory, when our family is pulling apart. It makes you try just a little harder, and be a little stronger. Especially for family.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Aunt Linda

We try hard not to have favorites. It's rude to favor one person over another. Or at least to show it. As I get older, I don't care so much about being rude or polite. Don't get me wrong, I am a polite person, for the most part. But today, I want to talk about my favorite Aunt.

I met her when I was about 12 and she was in her early twenties. She was the coolest woman I had ever met! She was a tall pretty Texan with the longest hair I had ever seen. She had just married my Uncle, and best of all she was a "horse person". Linda had a horse named Diamond.

Through my summers spent in Texas, Aunt Linda gave me the best gift ever. Diamond. She was mine for the summer, as long as I took care of her. Duh!!! I would walk on water for that horse! She was a beauty & the sweetest horse ever. That was probably what sealed the deal that I knew Linda was the coolest ever.

But she was so much more to me than the horse Aunt. She was also the person that explained things to me when I was a teen with so many questions. She talked to me. She had faith in me and made me feel so extraordinary. She was my biggest fan as I was hers. I loved that she always made time for me.

She was pregnant when I was 13. I was fascinated with her growing tummy. She'd let me feel him kick & I was just so amazed! Baby Tully was the tiniest thing I ever held. She made me want to be a mother.

I also had a blast with her. She was one of my first "adult friends" and I loved how she treated me like an adult. When I was 17, my Grandma Kitty, Linda & I went out for Cocktails. (The drinking age was 18 in Texas back in the seventies, I don't remember how they convinced the Bouncer I was 18, but anyway..). I got introduced to flaming drinks, crazy drinks & shots. We sang with the band! It was hilarious.

As an adult, I lost touch a bit. We kept up with the Christmas cards, but that was about it. She was always there in my heart. I would pick up the phone, and never miss a beat with her. I sat with her at my Grandparents funerals, and hated that we never see each other. Within the past couple of years, with the help of email, we are close again. I love getting emails from her & she sends the best forwards. She is my confidant, I can tell her anything and she has a gift of helping me see through it.

She is no longer a horse person. She has moved on to goats. Now she is my goat person. And now I too love goats! She is still that beautiful tall Texan with the long hair.

I love my Aunt Linda!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Texas Summers

I was Blessed to spend my summers in Texas with my Grandparents. I did this for five summers from 1975-1979. If I had to pick one thing that I am most grateful for from childhood it would be that my parents allowed me to go.


These summer trips started the summer after 7th grade, ending when I was a Senior in High School. They were magical. I felt safe, happy & loved. I had wonderful friends there. Also was very close to my Grandparents & got to know my roots of who I am. It is true that Texans are different from other Americans. I wish we were all Texans. The world would be a better place.


I earned money babysitting and what not jobs to go on this yearly adventure. My Grandparents had me work hard to earn my keep. They had horses, a small piece of land, and always things to do. I learned alot & sleep well every night.


My Grandparents helped to shape me into the person I am today. They live through me every day. I became quite the little Cowboy, and learned much through the experiences. I am forever thankful for the experiences, opportunities and the memories I got during those summers.

30 years later, I miss being there during the summers. I miss my Grandparents.

Monday, June 18, 2007

44 & HOLDING!!!!

I am 44 years old.

At least for a few more hours. Tomorrow I turn 45! Yuck. That sounds old. I miss 42, 38, and 34. Those are good numbers. I hate the ones that end in 9, 5 or 0.

I don't feel old. Although sometimes my body tells me I am. I really hate when you notice an old person thing going on with the body. Every year it's something new. What's up with that?

What I love is my mind is the same. I am still a silly girl inside this old lady body. I like to sing loudly to any REO Speedwagon, Lynyrd Skynard or Areosmith song. IF "Time for me to Fly", comes on, my friend & I still call each other up & say..."listen, this is for you!!!". Just like when we were 16. Sometimes I still feel the same as I did when I was 16, just smarter.

I share this Birthday Week with one of my oldest (as in time not age) and best friends. She declares it her Birthday week and celebrates or uses the week as an excuse for whatever she needs and wants. I have decided that is such a great idea and I should do the same. I am driving my family crazy. They keep reminding me that I am not S. therefore we don't celebrate all week. I know I am not her, but why not pick up on this wonderful concept!. They say they are not buying it.

Hmmm. I got flowers yesterday. My bed made this morning. Ice Cream this afternoon. Dinner made by the girls. And they are "hanging out with me". It is not my birthday yet.

I like Birthday Week! This might just make up for that ugly number I am turning!

Getting my hair done

I got my hair cut, colored & styled today. I feel way better. It was overdue.

I may have made a mistake though. When S. asked what did I want, I said, "I really don't care, what ever you think. I trust you". When she said thank you, I got that screaming gut feeling, "Wait stop! I do care! Don't f*ck it up! I am sensitive about my hair! especially my bangs." but I didn't say anything. I do trust her. S. decided I look better with it dark, lose the highlights. Okay. It feels so good when someone is doing my hair. I really don't care.

It looks pretty good. Alittle dark, but I will get use to it. S. knows hair well & I love her. Funny how hair isn't the issue it use to be with me. I have learned to relax. Besides if I change my mind, all I have to do is call her & she will happily change it any way I ask. I am lucky to have found her. She is the cheapest therapist I have ever had & is great with hair!

Get Your Heads Together!

Every parent has a different way to deal with sibling conflict between their children. I, being a member of the Mean Mother's Club, found the perfect solution for my daughters.

I don't remember how I came up with it, but ask my girls about it & you are guaranteed a smile and a story. I even used this on the poor children that I babysat. We called it, "Getting your Heads Together".

The girls are arguing, just being mean, not sharing, or anything that involved just the two of them in a conflict. The object of this "punishment" is putting their foreheads together & making them come up with compliments about each other. The compliment can not be repeated. Depending on how mean or hurtful the crisis, would be bases for the amount of compliments that would be owed. Example: E- I love how make me laugh, A- I love your hair, etc. Trust me, after a couple of compliments with foreheads attached, they are cracking up within minutes & sorry for the fight. It always worked. The Babysat Kids thought I was nuts. Their parents loved this punishment & would continue to use it at home.

Recently at a Graduation party of a Babysat Kid, it was brought up. With much love & laughter we had to explain. I still think it is a great idea. I haven't done it in a long time, but I am going to use it on my 18 & 16 yr olds next time they are out of line.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I love photographs! I love looking at my past as well as others. They are little memories captured in a picture. I love to see the detail, beyond the subject. The era, the setting, the mood. Not to mention the hair & clothes!

Sometimes it makes me sad going through these moments of the past. Times of hardship, loved ones gone, or just realizing that time is gone never to be the same.

Mostly I relish the feelings. Regardless to if it was happy or sad times. When I see the harder times, it makes me proud to have become stronger because of it. The happy times just remind me of the love shared or grown from the times.

I esspecially love old photgraphs. To peek into a loved ones past. Seeing a look in Grandma's eye at the young age of twenty-something. Imagining what it would be like to live in another time. It is an opportunity to get to know someone better than you did. Or at least try.

Give me a box of photos and I can be content for hours. I tried the scrap booking fad only to get overwhelmed. I am better at just throwing them together & enjoying them.

I need to take more pictures. Maybe I will this afternoon of my girls.

Village Momma

Hillary Rodham Clinton, has said, "It takes a village to raise a child." I believe this whole heartedly. I feel blessed that I have people involved in my children's lives, influencing them & helping them shape who they are to become. The more the merrier! Help my girls to become strong intelligent women! I love for them to have opportunities to be with other women.

I don't know what I would have done without my Village Momma's. They know who they are. At least the ones that shaped me the most. They gave me strength, wisdom & courage. They gave me style, poise & creativity. They stepped in when necessary & sometimes when I thought wasn't. I can not thank them enough.

I pray that my daughter's Village Momma's will do the same for them. I hope that they embrace these Momma's and pay it forward to become Village Momma's too.

I like to think that I too am someones Village Momma!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

cat lady

I like cats. I always have. I was allergic to them until I was 12 years old. Then one day I got to a cat before my folks headed me off. To my amazement I didn't have any allergy reaction. Praise the Lord I'm Healed! Apparently, I wasn't allergic anymore, or maybe I never was.

I got my first cat shortly after.

Since then, I have had a few. They find their way to me. I have always had at least one, sometimes a couple at a time. I love my cats, but I am not a cat lady. I am not weird about them (I hope).

I met "Cat Lady" yesterday. I call her that because she is an eccentric old woman from California that is obsessed with her cats. She had me stop by her house to talk RE business. I should have ran when I was on the front porch & could "smell" the odor. She saw me though, and I came in. She lead me down a hall through a door. She told me she breeds rare show cats. The smell was getting stronger. I am thinking she must have 50 by the smell. She had 3 adult cats and 3 tiny kittens. She said one of the adults was a show cat that's worth is $50,000.00! OMG, I couldn't pay someone to take one of my cats let alone get paid for one. Who pays that kind of money for a cat? They were pretty, but, Gosh! It was freaky the way she'd talk about them & talk through them. I couldn't breathe in her house. My eyes started watering. Maybe I am allergic to this breed anyway! Or maybe, someone needs to clean the cat smell out! It took forever to shower that smell out of me!


I am re-thinking working with her on a home she wants me to sell for her.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

..just take my keys!

I recently bought a new car. This isn't a big deal, we buy a new vehicle almost yearly. What was different this time is I got a CAR.

For the last 18 years I have driven SUV's, & Trucks. I am use to being the big guy, people get out of my way & rarely cut me off. I am an aggressive driver & have a bit of road rage that I manage to keep just verbal (no one hears me except in my car). I think it's called Big Car Syndrome (I am in a big Bad vehicle, I make my own rules, get out of my way little cars!)

Driving a car for the first time in several years is quite the experience. No one gets out of my way now, and everyone is cutting me off. It surprises me as I am not use to it. Suddenly, I do not look so intimidating in this little car.

Some old lady almost killed me yesterday. She was in a small SUV. We were at a 4-way stop. She had her Right turn signal on, I was going straight. We approached the stop sign at the same time. Silly me, I thought Right Turn signals meant you were turning RIGHT. She turned LEFT nearly smashing into me. Then she had the nerve to glare at me (the way I did to little cars in my way). Did she have Big Vehicle Syndrome or just Old & Stupid?

Here is the thing, if I get stupid like that when I get old, JUST TAKE MY KEYS AWAY FROM ME!!!

I love this little car, and the gas mileage. I miss the big vehicle attitude and intimidation.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

parent guilt

I have a bad case of parent guilt. I love my parents. They gave me life. They supported me, allowed me to reach out and to grow. We didn't have much growing up, but they always provided me the best they could.

I thought my Mom was a saint. She had a very dysfuntional life growing up. I always admired her & couldn't believe how strong and generous she was. She was the "Cool Mom". Always had Koolaide & snacks for my friends. I always got to have the sleep-overs at my house. Was fun to talk to, gave us a ton of advice & enjoyed hearing the "what is going on with everyone". She never tattled on any of my friends for their bad habits or things she knew about them. Once when my girlfriend & I were trying to sleep in after a night out, she asked S. for her keys to move the car parked in the middle of the road rather than scolding us or questioning why we didn't have the good sense to park at the curb.

My Dad was incredible too. He managed very well dispite his handicap. He had been severely injured and has to live with many physical problems. He was funny, sometimes too funny with inappropriate jokes. I could never leave him alone for more than 3 minutes with a date. I made sure I was ready to go out the door without Dad having to have small talk. I would surely get embarrassed. He had a bunch of 8 tracks of Cheech & Chong, Richard Pryor & a few other comedians that would make him crack up for hours. The guys in the neighborhood loved him. He use to let them hop onto the back bumper when we had a ton of snow, and go "Bumper Skiing". Ask any guy from the old neighborhood about that! They loved it. Luckily, no one ever got hurt!

My parents didn't always make good choices though. As I got older it was hard to find out they were not perfect. I realized that my life was pretty dysfuntional as well. We had a revolving door of relatives & friends that would come & go, bringing their problems along the way. My parents always had room to help out. There were always money problems, drinking troubles, and just pure craziness. My sister's idea of coping with it all was to just avoid it. She would leave alot. She was the smart one always staying over at the friends with the strict parents. I always got stuck in the middle of the craziness.

As an adult our relationship changed. I needed distance. Saneness. My parents were developing more dysfuntions and I just wanted to be free of it. It made for hard times. It kills a Grandparent to be cut off from Grandchildren. I did what I had to do to protect my children.

Today it is lukewarm. I still love them & long to be close. I envy my friends that have wonderful loving relationships with their parents. My parents live about an hour away. I hardly ever see them. We email, talk on the phone & get together for the special occassions. Sometimes I forget how we are so oil & vinegar and make the mistake of thinking we are going to have a pleasant visit. My poor Mom says she feels like she is walking on egg shells when she is around me. Funny. I feel like the egg shells. My Dad likes to remind me that I am a bitch and much of the problem is me. My children are old enough to understand the dysfuntions and the consequence of choices. They get it. They love their Grandparents, even when Granny is nuts & Pops is mean.

My Mom has this way of pushing me over the edge. She gets me to have word vomit often. I always regret things I say to her. How come I can't learn to shut up? Do my words really help? Shouldn't I know by now, just to listen & not give my opinion when she ask? She is just looking for support not my two cents about what a mistake she is about to make...again. We exchanged those lovely words again last night. God, I wish I hadn't answered the phone! So, now I am saddened by how instead of making her feel better like she wanted, I got angry & made her feel worse. She wants to come by today. I just don't think I can behave the way she is wanting with her about to make a critical mistake. I have watched her make so many mistakes and really just want to see her & my father enjoy these golden years.

I am hoping that writing this is therapeutic and I can learn to bite my tongue. Mom is a great lady. I should be giving her more love & support, and when the rug gets pulled out... again, catch her instead of watching her fall.

Friday, June 8, 2007

hello?

Okay. I have been reading my best friends blog for a couple of months now. I see that this has been a great way for her to, well, breathe again. Maybe she is on to something. Maybe this will clear my head and allow me to relax and breathe again. Life is so stressful. We all have our plates full and we all have different ways of dealing with it. Maybe this is worth giving a shot.

My life is boring by most standards. I am just your average person. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister. I am a niece, an aunt, a friend and a co-worker. Everyone that know's me knows me by a different definition. Most all that know me know what is important to me and what is not. My friends will tell you that my faith & family always come first and this is very true.

I will try write about things that matter to me. I tend to get long-winded and will try not to with this. This is just an out for me. To express my frustrations, my joys and my sorrows.

We'll see how it goes!